Ashley The Bachelorette: Worst Dates Ever
Ben Finds His Groove
I was so disappointed that Ashley’s date with Ben F went well because I really wanted to name this capsule “Ben F’s Up.” Ah well…maybe next week.
In another revelation, I’ve decided that Ben F is the love child of Josh Groban and Rafael Nadal. Romantic.
Moving on, Ashley’s date with Ben F hit a new level of creepiness when they had a “mental kiss” outside of a religious temple. They shared a mutual moan after, which was enough to make my body want to reject food for a week. Icky.
Later they had dinner in very strange outfits. He was wearing some sort of a smock and she was rockin’ a 1970’s jumper. There is something very high school and awkward about these two, but they seem to like each other. Whatever makes your hands jive, I guess.
Mama Said Knock You Out
The producers really outdid themselves planning a Fight-To-The-Death date. First, the lucky fellas took off their shirts and got their asses worked over by martial arts trainers. After they drenched themselves in sweat for three hours like they were in a Thai labor prison, the guys were assigned cage-match partners.
The guys were expected to beat each other down in a boxing ring in the center of town. They all were terrified to participate and Ashley was shaking on the sidelines. This might go down as the worst date idea ever.
Blake won his match, which made him even cockier than he was before. He is quickly moving up the jackass totem pole. Reach for the stars, Blake!
During the Mickey/JP faceoff, JP was prepared to take a beating like a man (mad respect!), but he came out of nowhere and unleashed all his pent-up testosterone on Mickey. So hot.
Then there was the beat-down that had everyone chatter-boxing: Ames vs. Ryan. Two of the most seemingly happy-go-lucky dudes squared off in one of the most overly-dramatic fights. It was uncomfortable to watch, but there wasn’t any crazy blood splatters or broken faces. Poor Ames suffered from a brain jiggle as a result of a girly punch to the ear. It was a sad, sad concussion.
Ames was so dazed that nobody even watched the final fight. It was really sad how embarrassed Ames was. When he arrived at the after-party, he tried to mack on Ashley, but was spewing pure gibberish with the words “you’re pretty” thrown in every once in awhile. Even with a mild concussion, he formed better sentences than most of these other morons.
In other news, Ashley is still trying to force an attraction to boring nerd Lucas. He gave her a golf lesson, as an excuse to rub himself all over her back. Anyone who stands behind you and says “so sexy” repeatedly probably drives a windowless white van. Think about it.
Lucas called Ashley out for being into Bentley. For some reason, Ashley likes Lucas more every time she talks to him. I find him more and more boring and snooz-a-rific.
Just When I Thought It Couldn’t Get Any Worse
The worst group date was followed by the worst two-on-one date ever. Where was Chris Harrison when these superlatives are actually appropriate? Worst. Dates. Ever.
William started childishly bitching about Ben immediately. I physically cringed when he said he could be the funniest guy in any room. He couldn’t even be the funniest guy in a room full of rocks.
In the classiest move, William pulled Ashley aside and started making all sorts of allegations about Ben C’s excitement to get on Match.com. The most absurd thing of all is that Ashley believed William without even speaking to Ben. What a sucker!
Ben was blindsided by his elimination about 30 minutes into the date. Ashley completely disregarded the fact that she and Ben had a great date just a few days earlier. If she knew before the date that Ben wasn’t the one for her, she should have sent him home last week.
I love a double elimination just as much as the next guy, but the way the whole date went down seemed like she wasted everyone’s time. William is awful, so clearly he should have gone home. However, she just made a big speech about giving everyone a chance at the last rose ceremony. Where was Ben’s chance? The burning of the rose was just the vomit icing on the poop cake. What a mess.
It’s official, she is the WORST.
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I Need A Drink Watching This
Ashley had an interesting conversation with Constantine about their connection. He feels closer to the other guys in the house than to her, which makes sense. He was being completely honest (and logical) with everyone about his feelings—or lack thereof—for Ashley. He doesn’t want to be around for hometown dates if he is still on the fence about her. Good for him.
Then the Bentley whining started again. I wish Chris Harrison would slap her or at least throw some cold water on her face. Chris told her that it’s not fair to the other guys that she’s sitting round pining for some idiot who left her. It was a waste of breath, she wasn’t listening anyway.
Nick got sent home for not speaking at all, ever.
“I am starting to see her as a fiancée or wife….of mine?”-Ben F
“Spandex was invented for people like her.”-Blake
“What a terrible way for things to end.”-Ben C
“I’m the world’s biggest jackass.”-William (understatement)
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