Ask a Drag Queen! Advice Column for Celebrities Only
As a famous person, you're probably in need of someone who ISN'T kissing ass, and can be, in a word, REAL. You want some truth, diva? Well, you found it! Every celebrity should have her own Drag Queen personal assistant to tell them that MM, that is NOT your color, mama! and OO, girrrrrrl, he is only after ONE THING. But, alas, Drag Queen wisdom is only granted to the few, the proud, and diva is here to bestow some pearls to those she deems in dire need. So read on, rich and famous and beautiful, because even those who are rich and famous and beautiful need the sizzling words of a Queen.
Lindsays of the world: PULL IT TOGETHER!
First of all, if your name is Lindsay, God help you sister. Working against all the odds your name has set you up against, being a celebrity just adds another burden to your already difficult, star-crossed life. You KNOW who I'm talkin' bout: Ms. Lohan, you are in SERIOUS need of a Drag Queen's words, and here they is:
BITCH, PLEASE! I don't know a girl who HASN'T given herself a little discount of the five-finger variety, but rule #1: DON'T BE FAMOUS. Lindsay, I hereby strip you of all your princess points: but not because you were shoplifting, and not even because you got caught, but because of THAT GOD-AWFUL HAIR. There is only one word for those sad-looking locks we all saw in court: fried. The best hair dye is no hair dye at all, I always say (especially when you have great natural color like you, Lindsay!) - if you want to change your hair, wear a wig, just ask Tyra!
And can we please drop the whole I'm-dating-a-girl act? You could get any guy you want, maybe even one of the guys from Jersey Shore if you're lucky. Listen up, Lindsay: feigning an interest in women is soooo dumb-bimbo-trying-to-be-hipster-in-college, and having witnessed it first hand, the only one getting hurt here are the poor lesbians who fall into your little girly spider trap. So please, get on some dick ASAP before I blow my freaking head off with this "pan-sexual" barfness that seems to be de rigeur for women who want attention.
Plastic Surgery = SATAN
The only reason anyone should be getting plastic surgery is in the case of a sex change, (listen up, Bruce Jenner!). When you start looking like Donatella Versace and you're not even 25, you are just making some fool with a scalpel rich from your own stupidity - just buy some concealer at the make up counter, hello!
Yes, I'm talking to you Farrah from Teen Mom. I'm all about fake boobs, I mean I'm a Drag Queen come on, but we all know that the whole reason you got those titties is because you're desperate for limelight. News flash mama: YOU'RE NOT A REAL CELEBRITY. And if you're really going to get plastic surgery, start with your nose, duh. But don't worry, the boys won't be looking at your face anyway.
My plastic surgery queen is Jennifer Aniston, who had a subtle nose job and that is all. Girl, my only Queen Advice for you is keep up the good work, MM-HM. You look so good, I'd go lesbian for you, and girl, you 40! Hot diggity! But for you Heidi Montag, my words are these: just because you got 11 surgeries in one sitting does not make you less of a stupid bitch who is marrying a complete IDIOT who mistreats you like all hell: how many times have I seen a beautiful woman throw away everything for a man? Girl, thank your stars you're stupid because if you ever DID wise up, I feel like you would spiral into alcoholism. My advice: STAY DUMB.
All Men are Idiots
I have many theories on men, most of them are not very pleasant. Girl, put this in your pocket: all men are idiots. Maria Shriver, wife of Arnold Jackass Schwarzenegger, here's my two cents: don't feel too bad, mama, he's only a man, and we can't expect much of anything from the "men" these days, who are really only boys who never grew up running around with their weiners flapping in the wind (yes, I'm glaring at YOU, Mr. Woods).
And how glad am I that Jennifer Lopez is single! I want to throw this girl a parTAY for dumping Marc Anthony's punk ass, which I never understood in the first place because he's so weird looking. But I got to give it to you girl, you ain't in it just for looks, and that relationship did last for eons in celebrity time! So applause, my friends, for the queen named most beautiful woman of all time (right?), I bow to you, Jenny from the Block.
Don't be shy, my little Diva Queens
Are you rich and famous, yet feeling... unfulfilled? detached? wayward? Well, SNAP OUT OF IT, your Drag Queen fairy godmama is HERE, queer and fa-bu-LOUS. Submit your questions to diva, and she will see to it that her musical words reach those ears in need. We can't ALL be Jennifer Lopez or Jennifer Aniston or RuPaul, aka purrrr-fect, I mean sometimes you gotta break loose, live a little! But then you end up broke and on coke and a washed-up joke, and that's when you come to Drag Queen Advice Column, mama!