Why Can't Average Guys Be Male Models?

I COULD DO THIS

be a male model. No problem. No sweat, well except in those high-end photo shoots for Vogue, GQ and Sports Illustrated. I could do all of that. Standing on my head. And this, being a male model, would be another dream realized. My two previous lifetime dreams of being an all-night DJ in an FM rock station and being a Pulitzer Prize winner for humorous stories, has vanished like the proverbial magician's rabbit in the hat, so now, I set my sights on being a male model.

Just tell me so I can get my head around it, what is so hard about standing still, looking distant as cameras click and flash, pursing my lips, squinting my eyes, and getting paid? I tell you. I can do this. Today. And all without an agent, press manager, or entourage. All on my own. I even have a name picked out for me: "Lone Wolf," male model. Nice, huh?

See this guy to the right? What has he got that I haven't? Looks? I got looks. Well, he has hair, and I have 'some' hair. And his shape is better than mine, but since I would only pose for from chest-up, I haven't a problem. Just imagine 'me' in this guy's place--looking sexy, hot, sultry. Not too much, ladies. I don't want a full-blown riot on my hands. But all in all, I do not see what the fuss is about to be a successful, highly-paid male model.

LOOK AT THIS GUY

What do you see? A shirtless man with some beads and necklaces things around his neck. So what's the hold-up? Why can't I, with the help of a Chuck Norris home gym, (for 4 easy payments of $39.95), work out just enough to be in shape for a photo spread in GQ magazine? Huh? And this guy doesn't even have a flashy name like, "Lone Wolf," like I do. You see. I am already on the fast-track of becoming the South's Next Famous Male Model.

HAIR? IS THAT ALL THE FANFARE IS ABOUT?

Hair? What a joke. I admit freely that I do not have the hair of a young man. Old man. Or common domestic beast, but hey, I hear that Bosley Hair Clinics, that I see on television, can do wonders for men like me with little or no hair. And when they fix me up with a head full of ravishing hair that pretty girls love to run their fingers though, I will well be on my way of being a famous male male model, "Lone Wolf," known by magazine editors, photogs, and writers here and abroad. And the cost of my hair can easily be traded-out by me agreeing to wear a Bosley Hair Clinic t-shirt all the time in and out of photo shoots. And even that, wearing a Bosley Hair Clinic t-shirt, would start a fashion craze. "Hey, if 'Lone Wolf' wears it, it has to be good," millions of adoring fans will say.

ALLOW ME TO HOLD UP MY ARM

for the tough-looking tattoo that some male models sport to get attention. "Lone Wolf," is no different. I need attention. All the helpful-attention I can get for my easy-climb to the top of the male modeling game. And if all that stands between me and a lucrative career as a male model is a tattoo, well, friends, I have a grand nephew, Greg Pannel, who is a tattoo artist. He makes a good bale or two of money each week tattooing the arms of guys and girls in his hometown, so one call from me telling Greg my plans and suddenly, I am sporting a rough, manly-looking tattoo of a rattlesnake, a Canadian moose, or maybe a sexy Carnation to excite the female fans who will clamor for my attention.

HERE WE GO WITH FINE CLOTHING

so what? With the paychecks I will have as "Lone Wolf," male model, I can purchase a suit, pants, shirt, shoes, and underwear for every day of the year. Hey, I might even buy out the entire stock of men's fine clothing from Brooks Bros. suits, Joseph A. Banks, or Men's Warehouse, "you'll look good. I guarantee it," and strut my stuff around big Southern towns such as: Atlanta, Birmingham, Baton Rouge, Panama City even in Hamilton, Alabama, my hometown. But as you well know, male models' fine clothing, when they use clothing, is all furnished by the fashion client, so what's the worry about me not being the next famous male model?

THINK ABOUT IT AVERAGE GUYS, LIKE ME

are you weary of your day job? Tired of just 'getting by'? Well if we pool our resources, think this thing through, then we all stand a chance, (but me first, since I didn think of this), to be successful male models. I know for a fact that all men born and bred in the South, are real guys. Manly, tough, rough, not afraid of death itself, and I feel that you would be willing to to lay down your macho bravado if it meant making enough money to not only pay off your Ford 250 Super Duty 4x4, but buy the entire lot. Right? Sure you would. I am so willing to reinvent myself that if someone from a famous magazine, say Vogue, Gentlemen's Quarterly, were to call me NOW, I would stop this story and be on the next Greyhound bus out of town. I am that serious.

And what I'm talking is . ..

• a certain amount of sacrifice
• a willing attitude to get in shape
• a desire to be dedicated to the job even when buddies make fun of us
• an honest heart that will not change once fame is achieved

Simple. How simple it can be. And I hear the current male models on A&E network whining about how they had to 'work their hinnies off,' in low-paying modeling jobs before they were discovered. Maybe so. That does not have to apply to us.

Here are just a few of the simple, free things we can do to have a head start on our male modelilng careers . . .

• borrow a few fancy suits, shirts, pants, shoes, and stand out in the public on sidewalks--posing like the models seen in this story with our pouty looks, gelled hair and our eyes squinted. I guarantee someone WILL talk about us. And sooner or later, 'that' one key person who works for a male modeling agency will contact us.
• start a jogging, running, exercise regiment by running up hills, around the block, doing 100 push-ups, and get our abs in shape to be photographed by the world's best photographers. And look at the money we will save on gym fees and personal trainers.
• invite ourselves on the local television afternoon talk shows telling the producers that 'we' ol' Southern boys, have 'the' inside scoop on being a male model. Local television is always searching for news, so there you go. We are on a good roll.
• get someone to donate a 1,000 8x10 glossy photos of ourselves and we simply post them in laundry mats, anywhere they have community bulletin boards, and our names will soon be the talk of the town. Word of mouth, my friends, helped Ron Poepeil, the CEO of RONCO, become wealthy and famous.
• get some cheap-but-quality business cards printed up telling potential clothing clients that 'we' are freelance Southern male models and will negotiate our own contracts. No agents or lawyers to pay. What an genius idea.

Who's with me?

Don't let me be like John "Blutarski" Belushi, in Animal House where he rallied the Delta's into getting even with the elite fratmen at Ferber College. Let's not just sit here. Let's go.

Why Do "I" Want To Be A Male Model?

1. I can't be a female model
2. I want to be respected
3. I want to be loved by everyone
4. I want to be envied by men
5. I want to be on the cover of Vogue
6. I want photos taken of me--everywhere
7. I want my name to be a household word
8. I need some cash
9. I love new clothes, when I get them
10. I have the time