Bachelor Brad Second Chance ep 1

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Whatcha Been Up To Since 2007?

Well, well, well, Brad Womack, so we meet again.  I’m a little sad he fell for the “Second Chance” ploy, when clearly the producers are desperate to inject some intrigue into this aging series.  Things haven’t been quite as spicy since Jason left ol’ whatshername crying on the couch, and Lady Rozlyn was banging the help.  Sigh, the good old days.  Since the producers are unable to have their main character become possessed by the devil while romancing his teenage son’s girlfriend (like in a REAL soap opera), we are stuck with a recycled still-single bachelor from 2007.  Oh well, at least he’s easy on the eyes.

Speaking of the temperature in the room, in case anyone forgot what a smokin’ hot bod Brad has, the producers made sure to include snippets of him showering, swimming, and running topless on the beach, while playing his national <unnecessary> apology.  Why on earth is he sorry?  Because he didn’t choose the beaten path of proposing to a chick on TV, having her move 2,000 miles to his hometown, then quietly breaking up with her 3 months later?  I say, stop the apologizing, Braddy boy; you’ve always been A-Okay in my book!

Alas, this season opened with the revered Chris Harrison standing outside the mansion and declaring this the “Most Shocking Season Ever!”  There’s something comforting in the predictability of this show.

Since we last saw Brad, he has spent plenty of time in therapy for his commitment issues.  Blah, blah, blah.  I wish I would have drunk every time he said “soul searching” during the episode—I would have been on the floor by the end.   During the catch-up chat, we learned that Brad has daddy issues.  That’s original.

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Jenni & DeAnna Return

To fill fifteen minutes of airtime, Brad was forced to go face-to-face with the ladies he scorned:  Jenni and DeAnna.  He graciously greeted them with “You guys look beautiful” which Jenni accepted with poise, while DeAnna seemed to be on the verge of giving him three-snaps-in-a-Z-formation and declaring “mmmhmmm, see what you’re missing out on?”  The whole confrontation was short and pretty pointless.  It’s been three years and both ladiez are in happy relationships with other dudes, while their not-even-a-real-ex-boyfriend is back on TV courting 30 harlots.  Everybody wins.

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Ladies, Start Your Engines!

After all 30 of the wolverines got out of the limos, Brad decided to give a fireside address to update everyone on what he’s been up to since he left the last two crying in their limos. He offered everyone a way out if they were unimpressed with his stories of therapy and loneliness, but all the ladiez decided a broken man was better than no man at all and stuck around.

Speaking of the shrews, let’s discuss the pool of desperados Brad has to sort through this season (or at least hit the highlights…and lowlights).

Ashley H is a dentist who loves to dance (much like Jenni), but kinda looked like one of those dancing balloon men found in used car lots. She has a bit too much energy for my taste, but that could make her an early frontrunner.

Rachel, the professional manscaper, demonstrated her job for the cameras, to which my male companion involuntarily said “Jesus in the Heavens.” Later, she treated Brad to a wrist waxing, which is at the top of every man’s wish list. He made a point of letting all of America know that he has no interest in having his “undercarriage” waxed. He’s a real man’s man, after all.

Madison is a vampire-obsessed weirdo with actual fangs. Brad wasn’t sure what to make of her at first, and thought she might not be taking the whole experience seriously. I can’t imagine why he’d think that! He found something about her intriguing because she managed to wrangle a rose. He’s into freaks, obviously (plus she makes good TV).

Emily from Charlotte (Big ups to my home state!) came out swinging, and is definitely being set up as a fan favorite. If she doesn’t get chosen in the end, expect her to be the next bachelorette. Her fiancé died in a plane crash while she was pregnant with his child, and now she’s a sweet single mom who works at a children’s hospital. I’m not sure if the producers are trying to get her married off or canonized a saint!

Chantal was the first girl out of the limo, and quickly slapped Brad in the face on “behalf of every woman in America.” Speak for yourself, sweetheart, I ain’t mad at the dude. Side note: Brad said bloggers everywhere trashed him, he obviously doesn’t read the right ones…ahem.

Alli AKA Big Boobs McGhee asked Brad if he could handle her bootyliciousness because she was previously dumped for having too much junk in the trunk. I suspect she was actually kicked to the curb for asking stupid questions, but I wasn’t there so I can’t know for sure. Anywho, I think Brad specifically requested ladiez with ample “elbows” because most of them were blessed with overflowing cups.

Marissa told Brad that her entire life revolved around sports. To this, Brad uttered the three words he’s never said to any woman on television “I love you.” We’ll see how long that lasts.

Ashley S was one of the few who did not badger him with the same questions about his perceived commitment phobia, and instead offered him friendship. Smart move, as it earned her the coveted First Impression Rose. However, something about her is a little Gia-esque and I don’t think I like it.

The episode ended with the typical first-night beer tears from several of the 10 rejects. At least I hope alcohol was the source of the waterworks, otherwise, I see a lot of cats in their futures.

Frontrunners

Emily

Ashley S

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Quote of the Week

“Can I ask you a strange question?  Are you wearing fangs?”—Brad

Roses

Ashley S

Michelle

Kimberly

Madison

Emily

Rachel

Keltie

Ashley H

Meghan

Lisa M

Lindsay

Alli

Sarah P

Marissa

Britt

Stacey

Shawntel M

Jackie

Melissa

Chantal O

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