Bachelor Brad Second Chance ep 7: Breaking The Rules

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Breaking The Rules On Gilligan’s Island

Ashley thought running on the beach wearing jeans and her Saturday night earrings was “just like Baywatch.”  What David Hasslehoff show was she watching?

Anyway, Brad took Emily to a lovely deserted island (that happened to be shaped like a vital part of the male anatomy) via helicopter.  They both were crazy excited to spend more alone time together, until the huge cloud of awkwardness took over.  Brad holds her in such reverence that he loses all ability to speak around her (which some may argue is not a bad thing). 

Luckily for Brad—and the viewers at home—Emily forced him to spit out some words.  Once the flood gates were open, Brad broke Bachelor rules by telling her how much he cares for her and guaranteed her a rose at the next ceremony. Gee, what a rebel. 

Also helping their conversation along were some big ol’ glasses of wine.  They shoulda played a game of “Slap the Bag” (Google it) to keep things classy.

Conversation turned serious as they discussed Brad meeting Emily’s daughter, Ricky.  She was paralyzed by the thought of bringing him to Charlotte—not a good sign.  He was quite the opposite; he had a sincere pleading look in his eyes, which made her cave.  We’ll see if she made the right decision next week.

Side note: how did Emily’s hair go from soaking wet to super dry with such quickness on the beach?  Editing much?

Shawntel Slappin’ Da Bass

Shawntel brought her A-game to her one-on-one with Brad.  She immediately attacked his face and was down for any activity, even proclaiming that a farmer’s market date was her ideal afternoon.

In a moment of clarity, Brad made an astute observation:  You learn a lot about a person by traveling with them.   In this case, “travel” meant riding bikes to a predetermined, television-scouted location, but you work with what ya got.

Brad and Shawntel met a lovely little old lady named Auntie Bee (if I understood her correctly) who happens to be one of the coolest people alive.  She got all up in their business, asking if they were in love, and then offered some sage advice:  hold hands and kiss every once in awhile and when you get married, let your parents know.  Who can argue with that?

Interestingly, Shawntel felt like she didn’t need a second one-on-one to know how she felt about him. One date is totally enough to know that you’re in love and want to marry someone, right?

Throughout the date, Shawntel looked like she was ready to hit up the fantasy suite.  Not judging, but she does have a HUGE butterfly tramp stamp.  All I’m saying is, Chico must be a seriously classy place.

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Most Boring Date Ever

Instead of a helicopter, the producers switched things up and threw Brad and Britt on a yacht hoping to heat things up on the high seas.  Unfortunately, what they got was one of the most boring dates ever.

Sadly, Michelle may have been correct when she (bitchily) called Britt a “waste of a one-on-one.”  They seemed like they were on an awful first date (the kind where he never calls you again) when everyone else was on their 15th (the kind where he climbs in your bedroom window). 

It was awkward from the start, as Brad’s lack of attraction to her was blaringly obvious.  They were in a romantic place, and he wasn’t trying to reenact the scene From Here to Eternity.  “He’s just not that into you” is an understatement.

Brad decided to break the rules again, and put everyone out of their misery, by sending Britt home in the middle of the date.  The situation turned cringe-worthy when Britt pushed for more time; forcing Brad to basically say, “please leave.”   While he was walking her out all he could muster was “uuuuuhhhhhh, please watch your step.”  That says it all.

Three Teeny Bikinis

Brad showed up at the butt-crack of dawn to wake Ashley, Chantal, and Michelle up for their date.  He thought it was every girl’s dream to be in the SI Swimsuit Issue.  Sure it is, when the girl has at least 6 months notice to get into bikini shape! 

Ashley kept a positive attitude in spite of being unable to fill the top half of her suit and having some of the craziest tan lines ever.  Thank god for airbrushing.    

Chantal, on the other hand, was possibly surfing the crimson wave because she was an emotional mess, crying about feeling like a fatty.

In typical Michelle fashion, she made Brad participate in her photo shoot and proceeded to lay all over him like peanut butter on jelly.  Not to be rude, but Michelle’s photo shoot = veiny boobies and runny mascara.  Yikes.

Michelle’s animal-like behavior put Brad in hot water with the other ladies.  He spent the rest of the date reassuring Chantal and Ashley, and making me feel embarrassed to share my gender with them. 

Ashley was awarded the date rose for being the least-teary insecure freak.  Doesn’t he realize he’s rewarding bad behavior?

All the while, Michelle sat there licking her lips like The Joker and plotting her next attack.

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Disappointing Rose Ceremony

The ladies showed up to the cocktail party shoeless and ready to desperately plea their cases.  However, Brad opted to skip right to the rose ceremony.

I want to know if Chris Harrison actually had the authority to say “Ok, we’ll skip the cocktail party” or if he had to check with the control room. I picture him speaking into his watch and saying “How we doing on time, guys?  Did we get enough tears for the week?  Good.”

I was disappointed in Michelle’s exit.  Not that she got the boot, but that she didn’t burn the house down or at least kick a camera man.  Instead, she opted to assume the fetal position in the limo.  Boring.  If ya can’t count on a certified lunatic to cause a scene, what can ya count on?  Sigh.

Frontrunners

Emily

Chantal

Quotes of the Week

“I care for you more than I should at this point.”—Brad

“I think she’s the most beautiful woman.”—Brad about Emily

“I’m not trying to focus on the other girls; if I do I’ll go crazy like the other girls here.”—Shawntel

“I don’t think I even see them friending each other on Facebook”—Michelle

“Can I have your hand or not a chance?”—Brad to Michelle

Roses

Ashley H

Emily

Shawntel

Chantal

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