Bachelor Brad Second Chance ep 9: Getting Wild In South Africa

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Chantal Gets Eaten By a Lion

Brad showed up for his safari date with Chantal lookin’ like Indiana Jones.   Meanwhile, Chantal was decked out in her spiffiest pair of daisy dukes.  Good thing their date wasn’t dinner with Nelson Mandela (you know he’s a HUGE fan of The Bachelor).

Brad and Chantal may really like each other, but they confuse their often-idiotic conversations for moments of deep connection.  Brad acted like Chantal’s comment about the giraffe, “What a beautiful animal in a weird way, you know what I mean?” was the most profound thing he’d ever heard.  Then again, he’s not the sharpest pencil so maybe I’m being too harsh.

How many times does Chantal have to declare that she absolutely loves him now?  She seems to think she’s making some new revelation, but she’s just repeating what she said 5 minutes ago. 

I actually agreed with her rant about how getting engaged is not the time to figure out if you want to be with someone.  She said if she’s ready to accept an engagement ring, she’s ready to walk down the aisle 2 seconds later.  If she was sincere in those thoughts, maybe accepting a proposal from a semi-stranger after a few weeks of courtship on national TV isn’t the best idea ever. 

Chantal was ready to go once the fantasy suite key arrived.  She declared “no more dinner” and ran off—guess she didn’t want to bloat up before disrobing.

If memory serves me right, for the first time in Bachelor history (do I sound like Chris Harrison?), the fantasy suite was in a tree.  All I could think about was “2 little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and…plummeted to his/her death.”

Brad called each girl “amazing” and claimed to miss each of their families.  He needs new material.

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In Love With Emily

Brad was as giddy as a schoolgirl when he saw Emily, but then left her standing alone for five minutes.  Does he not realize that there are LIONS out there?

They took a romantic ride on an elephant (I heard those things smell like butt), which delighted Emily to no end.  They had a serious discussion about Brad being ready for a 5-year old, and he hesitated but claimed he’s ready.  They talked about more real-life stuff in that one conversation than he has with all the other girls combined. 

Also of note, unlike Chantal’s bold declarations, Emily kept saying she’s “starting to fall in love” and she’s kept her senses about her.

Brad gets nervous around Emily because he can’t quite believe a woman like her would be into a dingo like him.  She made it sound like he was the one she’d been waiting for since Ricky’s accident.  If he had any sense at all, he’d drop the other ladiez immediately and thank his lucky stars that Emily is willing to drop her standards so low!

Emily made it very clear that she that she wanted to go to the fantasy suite to TALK.  She declared her feelings for him, and Brad broke yet another rule and told her that he is falling in love with her too.  He would not let her say it and him not say it back.  He respects her way more than everyone else combined.

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Steppin’ Back With Ashley

Ashley was the proud winner of the Shortest Shorts Award, and competition was tight.  The girls heard they were going to Africa and decided to wear less than a loin cloth on their booties.

Ashley is terrified of helicopters.  Had she never watched this show before?  Very few people have escaped Bachelor Land without at least one ride.  All future applicants need to keep that in mind! 

Brad went on and on about how nice Ashley’s family was.  Of course they’re nice, they’re practically Canadian!

Ashley and Brad have zero in common.  He compared her to the way he was in his 20’s (which was like 100 years ago).  Brad ignored the huge red flag last week when her dad told him about Ashley’s lack of maternal interest, when he’s clearly ready to settle down and pop out babies right away.

Their whole date was a big awkward mess.  Ashley’s answers about her future were all over the place, which is fine for someone in their 20’s but not when trying to marry a 38-year old man.  It seemed like every time she sensed he didn’t like an answer, she’d backpedal.  That isn’t gonna getcha anywhere.

When Brad got frustrated with her flippant answers, she tried to turn the tables on him by saying he was looking for some perfect obedient girl to fit into his world (which he kinda is—old dog, new tricks?).  He’s well established in Austin and does not have the flexibility to up and move for a 24-year old at the beginning of her career.

Instead of talking it out, they decided to throw back some drinks and have a sloppy make out session.  Deal with the future after the hangover-- always a great plan.

Who Needs A Ceremony?

Brad pulled Ashley aside before handing out any roses.  He ummed and ahhhed like a machine, and the whole break-up scene was uncomfortable. 

He pulled out his famous “I have to tell you goodbye” line (rewatch his original Final Rose episode).  Let’s be real, he knew he was gonna let her go way before this.  It’s been Chantal and Emily since day 1.

Brad went to stand on the balcony to think, and I had flashbacks that wimp, Jake.

It ended with group hug!  Big Love anyone?

My Pick

Team Emily (who cares what that ridiculous In Touch magazine says!)

The Final Two

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Quotes of the Week

“Emily is one in a million”-Brad                                          

“This feels like The Lion King but better”

“This is like my dream right now.”-Emily

“Is this real life?”-Ashley

“When we were together, it was like magical for me.”-Ashley

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