Bad Fortune Cookies

Welcome to Bad Fortune Cookies

Imagine yourself dining with friends and family. After a wonderful meal, your obsequious waiter doles out fortune cookies intended as a thoughtful denouement to a lovely evening. Unfortunately, these cookies contain fortunes composed by irritable authors forced to work overtime. Perhaps these irascible writers were locked up in a fortune cookie sweat shop. Perhaps they worked for pennies a day, toiling beneath the hobnailed boot of a fortune cookie taskmaster.

Read on if you dare.

Bad Fortune Cookies

Travel ambitiously the freeway of life, keeping the guardrail to your right.

Mind your manners, and man your mine, if you are a miner who is also a man.

Send a gift card when in doubt.

Look out the window of the soul to see what the neighboring souls are up to.

Why are you reading this? Pay your bill and go home. Reality shows await you on cable TV.

Never open a mortgage brokerage unless you are licensed in all 50 states.


Fortune Cookies Gone Bad
Fortune Cookies Gone Bad

Bad Fortune Cookies Continue Unabated

Old money spends like new money, but the bills tend to be crinkled and smelly.

Don't look to the government to provide high speed rail when you need to go to the bathroom.

Sports are exercise for the body, betting on sports is exercise for the mind.

No one truly understands WiFi. Access the Internet on faith when you visit Starbucks.

Carefully plant your Canada Green, for you may be mowing your lawn twice a week and not have time to read fortune cookies.

Help! I am toiling beneath the hobnailed boot of a fortune cookie taskmaster.

When the DVD of your life is published, always hold back a little extra for the bonus disk.

Soar with eagles, work with turkeys, stand around on one leg with pelicans.


A Few More Bad Fortune Cookies

Fear is never boring, but a short nap on the sofa followed by a bowl of Pringles never hurt anyone.

Always have have the telephone number of your emotional plumber on your speed dial.

Every sitcom is filmed 'live', but not every reality show is good enough for basic cable.

The ocean of your soul harbors the tugboats of your ego that nudge around the wallowing ungainly barges of your hopes and dreams.

Yet Another Bad Fortune Cookie

The price you pay for a life of sloth may not always include tax and gratuity.

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Comments 5 comments

drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Well at least, nicomp, you didn't include the bad fortune cookie that states: "Help, I'm being held hostage in a fortune cookie factory!"


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj : You have taught me not to be predictable.


Springboard profile image

Springboard 6 years ago from Wisconsin

lol. Love these. :) True story, when we were kids our family used to eat at China Town in downtown Edwardsville (which I am certain is still there). At one of our meal times she cracked open her fortune cookie and lo and behold, her fortune was blank. We rolled around a few ideas about what that could mean. Finally we decided (not knowing Fortune Cookies are actually as American as apple pie) that if anyone would know, it would be the Chinese waiter who had served us our food.

"My fortune is blank," my mother told the man. "What does that mean?"

The waiter took a step back and dropped his arms to his side, and said rather ominously, "Very bad."

Seeing the horror in my mother's eyes, the man went to a grimace and then said, "It just mean the printer no print."

At least the guy had a sense of humor. :)


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Springboard: Hilarious! Did you tip him for that?

Thanks for sharing.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

I never met a fortune cookie I didn't like. They are the perfect "dessert" after a big oriental meal. It's like eating flavored airy light cardboard with an inspiring dish for your inner self. I particularly love the ones that you add "in bed" to afterward. IE: The ocean of your soul harbors the tugboats of your ego that nudge around the wallowing ungainly barges of your hopes and dreams in bed.

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