Bad Ideas for Today
Every day is a new day. Every day you get a brand new start. Yes, this is the first day of the rest of your life, buckaroo. Don't screw it up.
In the interest of helping you not screw it up, bucko, here is a list of things to avoid doing today:
- Avoid getting out of bed. The trouble starts then.
- Avoid eating anything that is made of things you can't pronounce. In fact, you would be much better off eating nothing, given the stuff you find in what we call food.
- Avoid direct sunlight and buildings with central air conditioning. Both can kill you.
- Don't drive. Driving is the biggest cause of early death.
- If you do drive, don't drink and don't drive too fast. (This will not save you from those who do.)
- Don't walk. Automobile accidents involving pedestrians almost always result in injury to the pedestrian.
- Don't ride a bicycle. See above, same as pedestrians.
- Don't stay in your house. Most accidents occur in the home.
- Especially stay out of your bathroom. In your house, that is the most dangerous place.
- Don't climb above the step on the ladder designated by warning labels as the topmost usable step.
- Don't flush the toilet. When you do, germs fly two meters up into the air. And for God's sake wash your hands after you use the bathroom, will you?
- Don't free the jammed garbage disposal with your hand.
- Don't pet dogs that are foaming at the mouth.
- Don't cross the street.
- Don't talk to anyone. Whenever you talk to someone, it might give you an idea, and ideas are the most dangerous thing on earth.
- Whatever you do, don't have sex. Sex is the second most dangerous thing on earth. The most dangerous idea on earth is having an idea that you will have sex.
- Don't read a book. Reading a book will most likely give you an idea, see above.
- Don't have kids. Raising kids will definitely kill you, but not before it has driven you completely insane.
- Don't talk to your family. If you do, they will tell you their problems and then they will be your problems.
- Don't learn anything. A little knowledge is the third most dangerous thing on earth.
- Don't write Hubs. It's addictive. It's more addictive than cigarettes, crack or heroin.
In fact, anything you do in life is dangerous and a bad idea. So stop it, okay?
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