Why some saints have the most boring jobs possible.
Saint Anthony the Abbot (Patron Saint of Gravediggers).
This hub is not intended to offend Christians in any way, but I have to ask myself why on earth would anyone want to be most Patron Saints after looking at the job description? Now in no particular order I am going to list a few of the Patron Saints I feel the most sorry for in terms of what the people praying to them require to answer their prayers. If I were one of these Saints I think I would be going back to God and begging for decanonization as soon as possible.
St. Anthony the Abbot (pictured above), is the Patron Saint of Gravediggers. Now this sounds a really depressing job to me. Why do gravediggers need a Saint of their own to pray to and what do they ask him for? More graves to dig! Not good news for the rest of us if he decides to answer their prayers!
St. Anthony of Padua is the Patron Saint of lost items. This is fair enough if he is finding your lost child or pet for you, but can you imagine spending the rest of eternity letting people know where their missing keys have got to, or worse, their lost condoms? With the exception of the first two items, the most useful thing I think he could find for a lot of us is our lost virginity, as most of us lost it to a person we now wish we hadn't.
St. Matthew is the Patron Saint of accountants, now forgive me for pointing this out, but most accountants are doing pretty well as far as I can tell, and this either means they don't need St.Matthew, or he is doing far too good a job. Apart from anything else, what could be more 'soul destroying' than listening to accountants praying to you? Imagine all those figures and the number crunching!
St. Ambrose is the Patron Saint of Bee Keepers. Why do bee keepers need their own Patron Saint? Do they pray to him not to get stung, or for more honey!
St. Fiacre is the Patron Saint of cab drivers. This must be a total nightmare, as they would be praying to him looking over their shoulder, and would no doubt charge him an exorbitant price for listening at the end of it.
St. Vitus is the Patron Saint of comedians, which I guess might not be too bad so long as you get the good ones praying to you and not the likes of Bernard Manning or Ben Elton.
St. Isidore of Seville is the Patron Saint of computers. Yes you did read that correctly! Now correct me if I am wrong, but the last time I looked computers haven't quite reached the stage of praying just yet, so I imagine this poor Saint has to sit twiddling his thumbs for large amounts of time.
St. Appollonia is the Patron Saint of dentists. This is another one that baffles me, as what do they need to pray for, more cavities? They already make a load of money out of our misfortune, and a fair chunk of the population are terrified of them. Perhaps they pray for less people to wet themselves before going in for treatment, after all, the waiting room needs to be cleaned up each day by some poor Dental Nurse.
St. Roch is the Patron Saint of dogs. I love dogs, but cannot remember seeing them praying to anything, and I assume they are not aware of religion or that they have chosen their very own Patron Saint to pray to! Poor old St. Roch would probably be fairly bemused if they did, unless he speaks dog and can translate all the barks, whines and growls.
St. Polycarp is the Patron Saint of earaches. Gosh, I bet he gets some earache over this. Imagine having to listen to people complaining bitterly about their earache 24/7, and all the time all you wanted was to be the Patron Saint of children, or something nice like that!
St. Joan of Arc is the Patron Saint of funeral directors. Why do they need a Patron Saint of their own? Is it much the same as gravediggers above? (which would be very worrying as between the two camps there would be far fewer of us here if their prayers are answered!)
St. Bernardine of Siena is the Patron Saint of compulsive gamblers. Ooooohhh, I can just imagine the desperate prayers that go up to him whenever a roulette wheel spins, a one armed bandit's arm is pulled, cards are dealt or a horse race starts!
St. Martin de Porres is the Patron Saint of hairdressers, so is probably an expert by now on everyone's holiday's and where they have been. Quite possibly one of the most boring Saint jobs of the lot. He can also no doubt tell you all how to avoid those dreaded split ends, what brand of shampoo you should be using, how often you should be getting your hair cut and why your last hairdresser made such a muck up of of your hair!
St. Dymphna is the Patron Saint of insanity. Can you even imagine the kind of prayers he must receive, e.g. 'Dear St. Dymphna, please can you tell my friends on Jupiter that they need to pick me up by tomorrow at 5pm and I am in padded cell number 429, two doors down from Hannibal Lector?'
St. Dominic Savio is the Patron Saint of juvenile delinquents. The prayers he must get would be hard to answer graciously, e.g. 'Oy Dominic! I want to get into this gang, make it happen, or else!' or perhaps ' I want to divorce my parents because they won't let me graffiti the local community centre wall'. I wouldn't want to be the Saint answering this prayer as I would tell the little 'Oick' to go take a running jump.
St. Nicholas is the Patron Saint of pawnbrokers. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but don't these people already profit enough from other's misfortune, without needing a Saint to help them along?
St. Thomas More is the Patron Saint of politicians. I guess they might need him more than he needs them! Do they pray to him to allow them to get away with their lies, or to beg forgiveness for them?
St. Matthew (poor guy), is not only the Patron Saint of accountants, but also of tax collectors, seems he gets all the jobs none of the other Saints want!
St. Fiacre gets the other raw end of the deal, as he is not only the Patron Saint of cab drivers, but when they stop for breath he has to endure being the Patron Saint of venereal diseases as well! What a choice, do you want to be told of every famous person that has been in the back of a taxi driver's cab, or would you prefer to listen to all the symptoms of some nasty venereal disease!
Sts. Ann and Joachim, St. Elmo are Patron Saints of women in Labour. I don't know about you, but the last thing I expect to be able to do in labour is voice a coherent prayer, and I suspect these poor Saints listen more to screams, swearing and crying than they do prayers they can understand.
St. Monica is the Patron Saint of alcoholics. My hope is that when they pray to her they are not under the influence, or I defy anyone to understand them, or for them to know what they are praying for, e.g. 'Dear St. Monica, you know, you have the most booootiful eyes. Can you tell me where the toilet is please, I think I am going to be sick, whoops, too late!'
St. Barbara is the Patron Saint of builders. I wonder whether they pray for one of two things, 1) a good looking girl to walk by so they can wolf whistle her. Or 2) Their next tea break as it has been 10 minutes since their last one.
So basically I think the Saints get a pretty raw deal, or at least most of them, as it seems to me most of these people don't need the Saints they are allocated, and the poor Saints get stuck with either endless complaints or the ramblings of the insane and alcoholics, not to mention what a computer might have to say to them, if anything!
My prayers are with them !!!
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