Why some saints have the most boring jobs possible.

Saint Anthony the Abbot (Patron Saint of Gravediggers).

This hub is not intended to offend Christians in any way, but I have to ask myself why on earth would anyone want to be most Patron Saints after looking at the job description? Now in no particular order I am going to list a few of the Patron Saints I feel the most sorry for in terms of what the people praying to them require to answer their prayers. If I were one of these Saints I think I would be going back to God and begging for decanonization as soon as possible.

St. Anthony of Padua
St. Anthony of Padua
St. Matthew
St. Matthew
St. Ambrose
St. Ambrose
St. Fiacre
St. Fiacre

St. Anthony the Abbot (pictured above), is the Patron Saint of Gravediggers. Now this sounds a really depressing job to me. Why do gravediggers need a Saint of their own to pray to and what do they ask him for? More graves to dig! Not good news for the rest of us if he decides to answer their prayers!

St. Anthony of Padua is the Patron Saint of lost items. This is fair enough if he is finding your lost child or pet for you, but can you imagine spending the rest of eternity letting people know where their missing keys have got to, or worse, their lost condoms? With the exception of the first two items, the most useful thing I think he could find for a lot of us is our lost virginity, as most of us lost it to a person we now wish we hadn't.

St. Matthew is the Patron Saint of accountants, now forgive me for pointing this out, but most accountants are doing pretty well as far as I can tell, and this either means they don't need St.Matthew, or he is doing far too good a job. Apart from anything else, what could be more 'soul destroying' than listening to accountants praying to you? Imagine all those figures and the number crunching!

St. Ambrose is the Patron Saint of Bee Keepers. Why do bee keepers need their own Patron Saint? Do they pray to him not to get stung, or for more honey!

St. Fiacre is the Patron Saint of cab drivers. This must be a total nightmare, as they would be praying to him looking over their shoulder, and would no doubt charge him an exorbitant price for listening at the end of it.

St. Vitus
St. Vitus
St. Isidore of Seville
St. Isidore of Seville
St. Appollonia
St. Appollonia
St. Roch
St. Roch
St. Polycarp
St. Polycarp

St. Vitus is the Patron Saint of comedians, which I guess might not be too bad so long as you get the good ones praying to you and not the likes of Bernard Manning or Ben Elton.

St. Isidore of Seville is the Patron Saint of computers. Yes you did read that correctly! Now correct me if I am wrong, but the last time I looked computers haven't quite reached the stage of praying just yet, so I imagine this poor Saint has to sit twiddling his thumbs for large amounts of time.

St. Appollonia is the Patron Saint of dentists. This is another one that baffles me, as what do they need to pray for, more cavities? They already make a load of money out of our misfortune, and a fair chunk of the population are terrified of them. Perhaps they pray for less people to wet themselves before going in for treatment, after all, the waiting room needs to be cleaned up each day by some poor Dental Nurse.

St. Roch is the Patron Saint of dogs. I love dogs, but cannot remember seeing them praying to anything, and I assume they are not aware of religion or that they have chosen their very own Patron Saint to pray to! Poor old St. Roch would probably be fairly bemused if they did, unless he speaks dog and can translate all the barks, whines and growls.

St. Polycarp is the Patron Saint of earaches. Gosh, I bet he gets some earache over this. Imagine having to listen to people complaining bitterly about their earache 24/7, and all the time all you wanted was to be the Patron Saint of children, or something nice like that!

St. Joan of Arc
St. Joan of Arc
St. Bernardine of Siena
St. Bernardine of Siena
St. Martin de Porres
St. Martin de Porres
St. Dymphna
St. Dymphna
St. Dominic Savio
St. Dominic Savio

St. Joan of Arc is the Patron Saint of funeral directors. Why do they need a Patron Saint of their own? Is it much the same as gravediggers above? (which would be very worrying as between the two camps there would be far fewer of us here if their prayers are answered!)

St. Bernardine of Siena is the Patron Saint of compulsive gamblers. Ooooohhh, I can just imagine the desperate prayers that go up to him whenever a roulette wheel spins, a one armed bandit's arm is pulled, cards are dealt or a horse race starts!

St. Martin de Porres is the Patron Saint of hairdressers, so is probably an expert by now on everyone's holiday's and where they have been. Quite possibly one of the most boring Saint jobs of the lot. He can also no doubt tell you all how to avoid those dreaded split ends, what brand of shampoo you should be using, how often you should be getting your hair cut and why your last hairdresser made such a muck up of of your hair!

St. Dymphna is the Patron Saint of insanity. Can you even imagine the kind of prayers he must receive, e.g. 'Dear St. Dymphna, please can you tell my friends on Jupiter that they need to pick me up by tomorrow at 5pm and I am in padded cell number 429, two doors down from Hannibal Lector?'

St. Dominic Savio is the Patron Saint of juvenile delinquents. The prayers he must get would be hard to answer graciously, e.g. 'Oy Dominic! I want to get into this gang, make it happen, or else!' or perhaps ' I want to divorce my parents because they won't let me graffiti the local community centre wall'. I wouldn't want to be the Saint answering this prayer as I would tell the little 'Oick' to go take a running jump.

St. Nicholas
St. Nicholas
St. Thomas More
St. Thomas More
Sts. Ann and Joachim
Sts. Ann and Joachim
St. Monica
St. Monica
St. Barbara
St. Barbara

St. Nicholas is the Patron Saint of pawnbrokers. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but don't these people already profit enough from other's misfortune, without needing a Saint to help them along?

St. Thomas More is the Patron Saint of politicians. I guess they might need him more than he needs them! Do they pray to him to allow them to get away with their lies, or to beg forgiveness for them?

St. Matthew (poor guy), is not only the Patron Saint of accountants, but also of tax collectors, seems he gets all the jobs none of the other Saints want!

St. Fiacre gets the other raw end of the deal, as he is not only the Patron Saint of cab drivers, but when they stop for breath he has to endure being the Patron Saint of venereal diseases as well! What a choice, do you want to be told of every famous person that has been in the back of a taxi driver's cab, or would you prefer to listen to all the symptoms of some nasty venereal disease!

Sts. Ann and Joachim, St. Elmo are Patron Saints of women in Labour. I don't know about you, but the last thing I expect to be able to do in labour is voice a coherent prayer, and I suspect these poor Saints listen more to screams, swearing and crying than they do prayers they can understand.

St. Monica is the Patron Saint of alcoholics. My hope is that when they pray to her they are not under the influence, or I defy anyone to understand them, or for them to know what they are praying for, e.g. 'Dear St. Monica, you know, you have the most booootiful eyes. Can you tell me where the toilet is please, I think I am going to be sick, whoops, too late!'

St. Barbara is the Patron Saint of builders. I wonder whether they pray for one of two things, 1) a good looking girl to walk by so they can wolf whistle her. Or 2) Their next tea break as it has been 10 minutes since their last one.

So basically I think the Saints get a pretty raw deal, or at least most of them, as it seems to me most of these people don't need the Saints they are allocated, and the poor Saints get stuck with either endless complaints or the ramblings of the insane and alcoholics, not to mention what a computer might have to say to them, if anything!

My prayers are with them !!!

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Comments 33 comments

Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 8 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

No so much boring as difficult, didn't most saints die painful deaths?


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Probably yes Uninvited Writer, but I am referring to what they do after they died, and if they did die a painful death don't they deserve better than to listen to someone bang on about their earache? Thanks for the comment though :)


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 8 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

A saint's life is never easy...even in death :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks for commenting, but I think you may be taking this hub a wee bit too seriously and possibly haven't read it right through, just looked at the title!


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 8 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

Sorry...I forgot to put enough smileys ;) :):):)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

No worries, smileys are always good :)


Anitha1978 8 years ago

Who assigns these Saints with their jobs anyway? Earaches?? :=). Maybe someone should make you a saint Mistyhorizon for giving these poor guys job recgonziation?How about Saint of Unsung Heroes?


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 8 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

LOL!!! I  may not be a practicing Catholic but had priests and Monsignors in my family and most of my family are Catholic, but I found your hub humorous;  am sure the Saint of comedians  must agree with me! Today you have entertained me with your articles. Never heard of the saint of earaches. LOL!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Hey Misty: I've never heard of most of these guys. They keep kicking St. Christopher out of sainthood, and then taking him back, and then kicking him out again. I'm not sure if he is a Saint now. Patron St. of Travel - At least he makes sense. Oh well, I'll never give up my St. Christopher medals!

Great hub and very fun to read!

Violet: Did you see my answer to your question?


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

OMG! I don't know what time you posted this, Misty, but I swear to God (and any number of patron saints) I DID NOT see your hub until just now! I just finished and posted a hub on the very same topic, but from a slightly different angle. Must admit I had the same reaction as you. Beekeepers? Gravediggers? Crazy!! Oh well, guess it just shows ta go ya, great minds think (and pray) alike!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Anitha, yes I wonder who assigns them their jobs too. Thanks for passing by.

VioletSun, so glad I have amused rather than offended you as you come from a Catholic background. Glad you enjoyed the hub and thanks for commenting :)

Great to see you here Christoph, I guess with a name like yours you have to keep your St. Christopher medals. Don't worry, my Mum wears one too. Happy this hub made you laugh :)

Mighty Mom, no worries about you posting a similar hub, I shall go and check it out as I am sure it will be good. I posted this one in the early hours of the morning (UK time). Anyway, like you say, 'Great minds think alike'. :)


Madison Parker profile image

Madison Parker 8 years ago from California

Misty,

That is a funny hub! There's no explaining the goofy stuff that The Church does! I went to Catholic School, and it is pretty amazing, the stuff we had to do..like collecting for Pagan Babies!!! Yep, you read it right, Pagan Babies. (If you want to read a funny bit about that, take a look at a posting that a friend pointed out to me:

http://asksistermarymartha.blogspot.com/2006/08/an...

The reply is written by a friend who went to the Convent with me. It's pretty funny!

Thanks for this good laugh on a Sunday morning.

Madison


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks for commenting Madison, will check out that link and happy I made you laugh. Hey, I am a Pagan, so I guess I must need saving LOL :)


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 8 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

Christoph writes: Violet: Did you see my answer to your question? >>>

No, where did you post the answer to my question? Now I am curious! :)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country

Loved this--- very humorous (one of those where I think: "I wish I had written this")


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Rochelle, that is a great compliment and I am pleased this hub made you laugh :)


Aya Katz profile image

Aya Katz 8 years ago from The Ozarks

Mistyhorizon, I gave you a thumbs up. I would like to point out though that the patron saint system is just an adaptation by the Catholic Church of the specialized system of gods found worldwide in various pagan religions. It was not uncommon for every profession or trade to have a special god in charge of it, as well as each city and village. Even each clan and hearth had a private god in charge of its own welfare.

In a way, this makes more sense than monotheism, because there are conflicts of interest between and among individuals, and having everyone pray to the same god to intercede in their favor against someone else is a little bizarre.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Aya, thanks so much for the thumbs up and for your comments. Really good points that I can identify with as a Pagan myself. :)


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 8 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

Some of the saints here get taken out a boat trip around the bay once a year and that's it! Then they get put away back in a church! I suppose it gives them something to look forward to! lol


Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 8 years ago from UK

Fun hub Misty. I love all that Catholic church stuff that they used to do, like selling relics (usually 'saints' bones) and doing pilgrimages to go and visit places that saints are buried in. Religion AND a holiday. A winning combination!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL Steve, thanks for stopping in and I love the idea of the Saints looking forward to their annual boat trip :)

Amanda, yes, it is rather funny how many Saint's bones were available, more than there were Saints! Thanks for dropping by and commenting :)


Peter 8 years ago

What in the heck are you talking the the dentist saint??????


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Absolutely, crazy isn't it Peter? Thanks for commenting :)


Fiacre 5 years ago

I love what you've said about Saints. If nothing else mocking religion should be a saintly duty. I found your HUB after naming my HUB Page after Saint Fiacre. But you missed the most humorous aspect of Fiacre. In addition to cab drivers and gardeners, Fiacre is also the patron saint of toilets and hemorrhoids per the book God's Lunatics, by Michael Largo. My HUBs are intended to be about gritty, thought provoking subjects so I think that name works. - - Fiacre


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL Fiacre, great info that it a wonderful addition to this hub. Thanks for commenting :)


Blessed53 profile image

Blessed53 5 years ago from Dalton, Georgia

Funny, even though I am a devout Christian, (not Catholic) and no offense taken, although I am a fan of St. Francis and St. Augustine's writings, beliefs and lives. To each his own. I'll keep mine, thanks.

Blessings for the entertainment!

Always, in all ways, to God the honor and glory!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks for maintaining a good sense of humour Blessed53. That is so important, and whilst I too am not Catholic or Church of England, I do believe there was a Jesus once. Won't go into my beliefs here, not appropriate for a humorous topic, but I am sure you get my drift.

Really pleased you enjoyed this. I enjoyed writing it too :)


Max 4 years ago

What's really awful is that Polycarp not only hears the prayers of those with earaches, but he's also the patron saint of diarrhea!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Terrible, I wonder how on earth that combination happened Max LOL.


SkeetyD profile image

SkeetyD 4 years ago from Barbados

Great hub! I have always wondered why there are so many saints in the first place.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Glad you enjoyed this SkeetyD, I often wondered much the same as you, but it appears they all have their pointless jobs to do like looking after accountants and dentists ;)


Unregistered User 3 years ago

That sounds really boring...


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 3 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Exactly lol!

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