Best 300 Facebook Status Messages and Updates

Thinking of your next funny, cool or sassy Facebook status message update? Here I present a compilation of top 300 funny and top Facebook status message updates that will leave your heart pounding for more :)…

I am never on schedule, but always on time.

Whooops… I just stepped on a cornflake. Now does that make me a ‘cereal’ killer?

"Changing the face” can change nothing…
But,

“Facing the change” can change

“Everything”…:)

_________ is legally dead for tax purposes.

If you're allergic to nuts, avoid Facebook, it's full of em'.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: Everyone knows it, but only you can get the warm feeling that it brings with it.

My doctor told me the way to achieve true happiness is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished a Cheese burst Pizza and a chocolate Gateau cake. I feel better already.

It’s okay to be ugly. Anyways Obamacare will not cover your preexisting condition.

Extraordinary: This bag of chips has half crisps and not half a bag of air.

If you need to borrow any money, borrow it from a pessimist…he won’t expect it back.

My ex is like a parakeet. She just would not shut the f**k up.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.


I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said fuck that, I’ll just get a tan instead.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?

Hey Life… Please be simple !

More Funny Status Messages

Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.

TODAY has been cancelled. Go back to BED :)

Some people should have multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.


It is a sad fact that 20% of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the remaining end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones.

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?


If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.

Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.

I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day. :)

GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.

Boys, if you don’t look like Calvin Klein models, don’t expect us to look like Victoria secrets angels. (From All Bachelor Girls Association) :)



When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.

My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it in the morning.

I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice :)

If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking :)

HUMAN BRAIN: Forgets what we want to remember & remembers what we want to forget.

I have to admit, God was just showing off when he created me.

Kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are.

When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, It is love,
.
.
.
After marriage, it is self-defence.



A Touching Story: A little boy saw a puppy. He went near it & touched it. Again he touched it. Again he touched it and touched it again,Oh! What a touching story.

"Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at home = weird. Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at work = chef."

FACEBOOK is the second most
popular word that starts with
"F" and ends with "K"

Relativity:
"its 6 am, you are in your bed, you close ur eyes for 5min, its 7:45"
at college "its 1:30, u close your eyes for 5 min,its still 1:30"

After reading this sentence

You will realize

that the the brain doesn't recognize
a second `the'

Now you read it again
see if that's true!

Just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot.

Please don’t interrupt me while I’m ignoring you!!!

A husband and wife meet again in Heaven. The wife says " We're together again!" The husband says "Oh, heck no! That document said only till death do you part!" =))

No one is as ugly as their drivers license picture, or as good-looking as their Facebook profile picture.

Wife buys a Dozen underwear of d same color 4 Hubby...
Hubby - Why same color ?
People will think I never change underwear...
Wife - Which People ... ?

Total Silence......


GALILEO:
-Great Mind
EINSTEIN:
-Genius Mind
NEWTON:
-Extraordinary Mind
BILL GATES:
-Brilliant Mind
ME:
-Master Mind
YOU:
-Never Mind......


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese and there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


According to the anti-piracy ads "Copying DVDs is stealing" By that logic, taking a photo is kidnapping.

I saw Lebron before the game and I asked him for a dollar. He gave me 75 cents. I said "where's the rest?" he said "I dont have a 4th quarter"


If Cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?

Thanks to all those who ask the awkward questions on yahoo answers so that we don’t have to.

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions :)

All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.

I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi :)

Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture :)

The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. :)

Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?

Staring at a dead body in a movie to see if you can catch them moving.

If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.

I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”

I’m over the daylight savings, I’ve decided I'm not doing the whole “turn your clock-back” routine this year. If you need me, I'll be in the future.

If I've learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it's that everyone speaks English after they die.

Hey guys, just a heads up from Australia. Monday was shit.

I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.

I'm not calling you an idiot but we should use people like you to test if stuff is safe.

You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You don't find something? MOM!

If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?


Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.

There’s really no need to raise your voice, it’s not that I can’t hear you, it’s that I’m not paying attention to you.

Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy...you just hoped nobody found out.

At the end of the day, life should ask us, "Do you want to save the changes?"

Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant....chocolate is a salad.

The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single one of them.

Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” have a “Use By” date?

If every day is a gift, then Monday is from someone who knows nothing about you and doesn't bother to include the receipt.

That awkward moment when 'one size fits all' doesn't fit you.


To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.

If I can't be weird around you, we can't be friends.


I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole “think before you speak” thing.

That awkward moment when you're on an embarrassing website and your computer freezes.

In some ways I’m similar to a dog….
For instance, I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.

Headphones: The international sign for "Do Not Disturb".

That awkward moment when someone shows you pictures on Facebook, and you have to pretend like you're seeing them for the first time.


Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.

Just ONCE I'd like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."

Fortune cookie: Some good things will happen to you and then some bad things will happen. It’ll pretty much continue like this until you die.

I've never met a weekend that I didn't like.


Q: What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

Ans: An algae bra.

I have a condition which prevents me from going on a diet...it's called hunger.

I get my... Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It’s people I don’t trust.

DO NOT TEXT ME WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING I’m not trying to be the last unfinished message they find when your ass is wrapped around a tree.

I don't think I could scientifically prove it, but I'm pretty sure 90% of my brain space is filled with movie quotes.

I hate it when I'm singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.

Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.

God made everything that has life, everything else is made in China :)


For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept. :)

If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.

Dear Google, Please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

Thanks to Google, Wikipedia, and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you Guys.

It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

Today's Horoscope: You're gullible

I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it's an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.

No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"

That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don't know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.


Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.

Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

You're not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it

The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.

Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?

Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?

What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.

Some people are like water balloons; they're more fun when you throw them out the window.

I hate mixed messages. They're great.

Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you're yelling at him.

There's a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.

I'm so lonely that my cat owns a cat.

The worst thing about rich people is I'm not one of them.


Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.

If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!

So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I'm going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.

Party like you will never be invited to another!

If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.

Dating Tip: If she hasn't kissed you by the third date, she's there for the food.


You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.

I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet

A cop pulled me over and said ''Papers...'' So I said, ''Scissors, I win!'' and drove off like a boss!

If its true we're here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid

I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.

I'm surprised kids haven't found a way to trick or treat online yet

Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes…

When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I can't relate to people who "forget to eat"

What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?

This status has been censored by Facebook

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.


I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.

Why aren't we letting blind people think that dragons are real?

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Boss: You're on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 45 minute flute solo.

I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.

Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.

The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.

There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.

Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible

The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.

I've been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come to work

Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesterday, yesterday you were pretty f*cking annoying.

I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.

If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you're over 40.

I think the discovery channel should be on a different channel every day.

Botox doesn't make you look young, it makes you look like you think you're old

I treat my body like a temple. A Temple of Doom, but a temple nonetheless.

My boss is an inspiration that one day someone as lazy as me can be in charge.

I've never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.

Can someone help me with a way to permanently stop my husband's snoring? Any size pillow will do…

People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.

I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program…

I want piñatas at my funeral so people can be happy, but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

New iPad Air will also make your wallet way lighter.

My room isn't messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.

Why do pickup truck commercials think it's very important that I'm able to tow a plane?

People think I'm crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?

If you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin. Muffins are considered a healthy breakfast.

My therapist just offered me my money back.

It's hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

How do they tell if Facebook employees are procrastinating?

I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.

The people who whine about cell phones don't remember how much pointless staring at people there was in the 1990s.

If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where I can return Monday.


You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.

How long does it take to shoot an apple off someone's head with a bow and arrow? Time Will Tell.

Thank God I have the newest, fastest iPhone so I can mindlessly check the same three apps 5000 times a day.

You don't know broke until you've rinsed off a paper plate.

I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

I don't go to the gym because I saw on Oprah that's how most staph infections spread. See, I really do care about my health!

Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.

There's a not so small part of me that believes that Harry Potter was sold to us unassuming muggles as fiction.

Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.


Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.

The first rule of condescending club is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

I prefer to think of myself as a freelancer instead of unemployed.

The last couple of days I've been feeling really empty inside.....these new laxatives are working wonders!

Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a beautiful day.

Did you know? Its impossible to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian? Like if you tried it!

Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again.

I love sleep so much, it’s the first thing I want to do when I wake up.

If I haven’t said something vulgar to you then we probably aren’t good friends.

That awkward moment when people are singing “Happy Birthday” to you and you don’t know where to look.

So far this is the oldest I’ve ever been.

Dear Subway, chill out with the lettuce. Sincerely, everyone.

Full of peace and calm this morning. Googled my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep.

I named my TV remote Waldo, you know why.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Dear LOL, thanks for being there when I have nothing else to say.

“Wow, that is a nice lookin’ pair of Crocs.” Said no one ever.

Interrupt my sleep and I'll interrupt your breathing

I'm great in bed… I can sleep for hours

I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I'm delicious but damn

My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness



I need new swear words..."..."

The awkward moment when the most annoying person is complaining about someone being annoying.

99% sure my neighbors have seen me naked through my window at least 20 times. 1% sure 21 times.

"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka

Admit it, you’ve answered Dora at least once in your life.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder

I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!

The best feeling: when you wake up at 5am and realize you still have more hours to sleep…

Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever person.

Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?

If gas gets any more expensive I'll have to file for tankruptcy!

If your name is John, your parents were just lazy when they named you.

Exercise…ex…er…cise…..ex…ar…..size……eggs…are…sides….for bacon. Bacon.

Things I didn't learn in high school...
how to pay bills
buy a house
apply for college
but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.

If you’re one of those people who say “quote, unquote” more than once a day, I hate you.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

They say better late then never, but never late is better

Don't you dare like this status


Dragonfruit tastes nothing like dragons…

My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

Stu(dying)
Stu(died)
Coincidence? I think not.

Tell someone, "You wore that shirt the day after yesterday" and see how long it takes them to get it.

Those of you who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" don't really get how the whole "dead" thing works, do you?

Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.

Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.

–^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death

__________ is Loading ████████████ 99%

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." -Ron Swanson

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself!

If your bored write your password as a comment plz

Cut here —————–✄———————-

Coffee to me is what mushrooms are to Mario.

I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you’re a train wreck from all the way over here.

Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

If only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP

Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.

You say stalking. I say protecting you with binoculars.

That awesome moment when someone cancels plans that you didn’t want to have in the first place.

2013 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."

Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?

Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."

Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?

You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.

Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.


My favorite colors are Grey Goose & Red Bull

"I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

Hey Facebook search, way to guess the guy I’m stalking after I only typed in 1 letter.

There was a time when I was thin. Sure I was six years old, but I’m confident I can get back in those clothes.

romeo tells juliet she's fat

No thanks, doctor's office that used to be a house.

If you’re a vegan w a gluten allergy who doesn't own a TV do you put it on a business card or just wait to force it into every conversation?

I make the Transformers sound when I change into sweatpants.

He doesnt always use the internet, but when he does, he shares recipes & inspiratiomal quotes. he is..the most pinteresting man in the world

29 months? Yeah, no, I meant how old is your kid in HOURS.

Buzz Lightyear's ful name is "bumblebee 9.46073×10¹² kilometers"

What base is it when he catches you sucking on a ketchup packet


There should be a jail just for people that don't break apart kit kats before they eat them

Nobody under the age of 23 has any recollection of life before the internet. I hope that fact makes you vomit like it did me.

ok that's baby's 17th word *opens baby journal* so far we've got flerch, yarf, veerm... honey has it occured to you our kid is an idiot

When I see a homeless person, I usually don't give them money. I just go out and buy some drugs for them.

I dream of a world without war, without poverty and without girls who post sexy selfies with unrelated inspirational quote captions.

Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.

Fear Factor would have been much scarier if it had just been people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers

Why put cookie dough in the oven when you can put it in your mouth

Why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness

I don't think i'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

I just want a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday 'cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

If the person next to you on a flight wont stop talking, take out a Skymall catalog & eat the entire thing while never breaking eye contact.

"Yo dad, did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?" *dad checks & realises his mistake* "you know what else isn't in here son? Adopted"

Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout your day.

Wrote a letter to Santa today because i don't want him to think that we only talk when I want something from him.


The moments I'm not eating are somewhat torturous.

I'm quite confident that the reason i'm single Is because i didn't forward that chain letter in 2008

Facebook has really revolutionized how quickly we find out friends from high school gave up on their dreams.

30+ and single? There's an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat.

What do you call a dog who loves to be dominated? A sub woofer. Thank you & God Bless


I wish behavior in football was acceptable in all jobs. Like if u clear a paper jam out of the printer you can stanky leg on your boss’ desk

You must have a special kind of death wish if you have your read receipts on and still ignore my texts.

Schizophrenia? More like Schizofriendia. *voices agree*

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think "Look at that healthy jogger"

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