Best Job Ever
Breaking Wind Professionally
Today, I was researching quantum physics when I came across an interesting YouTube video, which, oddly enough, had nothing to do with quantum physics. I'm not sure why the video was there in the middle of Niels Bohr, Werner Heisenberg, Max Planck, Louis de Broglie, Albert Einstein, Erwin Schrödinger, Max Born, John von Neumann, Paul Dirac, Wolfgang Pauli, and David Hilbert. I only name these incredibly smart quantum physics guys to give more credence to the fact that I was, in fact, researching the aforementioned quantum physics.
Anyway, there I was, being very studious, smart, and completely and intensely intense on this quantum theory physics thingy, when up pops this video-much to my surprise-about a guy who breaks wind for a living. I'm pretty sure he makes a living at it, anyway. He was on a really famous talk show, and he had his own costume. I can't see him being able to afford a costume like that unless he was pulling down some serious dough doing, well, what he does.
It was pretty amazing. I could tell he had practiced his craft for many years. He was in pretty good shape, and had found a way around the varied pitfalls in the toot-toot game.
First, he made sure to take talcum powder and apply it liberally to the backside of his impressive costume. I'm going to assume it was a non-staining powder, as the suit showed no signs of previous powdering. Once he had applied the powder, making sure to cover both sides of his rather sparse working area, he began to do his thing.
He was careful, as one who had no doubt studied this for years, would be. He started small and worked his way up. He did a few test-trumps to make sure the audience could see that he wasn't just pretending to cut the cheese. There have been, in the past, imposters; those who claimed to be stepping on a toad, but were in fact only stepping on a frog. It takes a special person, or a horrible toxic waste accident, to generate the ability to be a true bean blower.
Back to testing the blowing of gas. He must have studied quantum physics, because he knew just the right amount of pressure to let go to throw a puff of talcum powder out into the air. PUFFfffff-f.
It was like watching a train wreck, only not.
Next, he incorporated food into his act, because we all know that bottom burps and food go together so well. He had the host of the very famous TV show light four candles on a birthday cake. I am totally not making this up (unlike the 'researching quantum physics thing, which I was, of course, completely making up). So the very famous host of the very famous talk show in, of course Europe somewhere (American's don't always appreciate the art of a good toot like our European neighbors), brings the cake with the four-lit candles over to the back end of our expert. He then proceeds to blow out the candles-one at a time. Low-end stink bomb throwing at its best.
The segment was concluded with a microphone held up to the area of most sound, while our friend in the neon spandex with a mask (why the mask?), made good on the fact that he full of culture by venting in rhythm with the symphony Blue Danube by Strauss. It was an amazing site. Truly amazing. I had tears in my eyes by the time he was finished.
At first I was pretty jealous. This guy is spending his life, wandering around, eating beans and blowing people away. I have to clean the house and do research on things like quantum physics. Then I thought, "Hey, wait a second, he has to wear that really weird expensive-looking neon green super hero type outfit. I can sit here in my sweats, have my kid do the dishes, and figure out ways to write an article about a guy farting for a living without ever once using the word fart and call it quantum physics." Cool. So I guess, even though his life may seem pretty glamorous, my job is way better after all.
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