How to Make Wishes with Your Magical Genie

"Hi! I'm a magical genie and I've been sued a dozen times for deceptive wish-granting."
"Hi! I'm a magical genie and I've been sued a dozen times for deceptive wish-granting."

Yeah... no, genies are not gonna be like this. Disney's full of it. Believe you me.

In the interest of writing an astoundingly impractical, nearly useless how-to, I have decided to share my thoughts on how one is to make wishes. We've all, I think, had fantasies about what we might wish if we, like our buddy Aladdin, found a magical genie. We might have wished to have a box of calorie-free chocolates that never goes empty, a yacht, and the cure for cancer. What we don't think about is that the box of chocolates is left on our kitchen table, which is then crushed under the yacht the genie drops there--along we you! And he put the cure for cancer rolls out of your blood hand into the eager paws of an exploring squirrel, never to be seen again. In other words, genies are jerks and not to be trusted. There's no reason to think otherwise. So there you go: it's a scientific fact. That's why when you make your wishes, you have to beat them by carefully laying out the terms. Even if your genie is a good genie, he could still be stupid and screw everything up. Trust me, it doesn't always turn out like a Disney cartoon. I've seen genie experiences that'll put hair on your chest and turn it white.

First Wish

You're thinking, "Oh, this'll be fun, I'll just wish for--" Let me stop you right there, Lucy, cause I have some 'splainin' to do! You don't just dive into your wishes. Good heavens, no! You have to think, think! If your first wish is for one of every animal, then where are all your cages? You'd have to wish for the cages first! Think! Now for your first wish, because you just don't know how big a jerk your genie is, you have to make yourself indestructible somehow. You gotta make sure you can't die. Protect yourself, folks.

That's why my first wish would be for indestructibility. Don't just say that, though! Genies thrive on stupid wishes like that. He'll say to himself, "Haha, okay, I'll make you a proton!" (What an ass!) Nuh-uh, none of that. Here's what we'll have to do. We'll have to stipulate the implications of indestructibility. It'll seem like making a whole bunch of wishes at once, but it's not: indestructibility is a pretty nebulous word and if you don't give it definitions, he'll never get it. So of course you keep your present form. That's important. No turning you into a diamond statue or something. Okay, the next thing is to explain just how it's going to work. It means, for instance, I can't age. Because if I age, right, that's cellular damage. That's not indestructibility at all! So no aging. The negative side is that I can't lose or gain weight, build or lose muscle. And certainly no plastic surgery--what knife can cut me? So I'm stuck looking like this forever.

If I'm hit by a bus, what'll you think will happen? That's right, I won't be hurt at all. Not a cut, not a bruise. BUT! I will go flying. I'm not superheavy, just indestructible. If I were superheavy, I could never go ice skating. And here's a scientific fact: every single year, there is a 1/200 chance you'll decide to take up ice skating. Since I'll be living well over 200 years, I'll certainly take up ice skating eventually. So I don't want to be heavy. Besides, that'd take another wish.

If I get chucked out of a boat in the middle of the ocean--it could happen--I can sink down to the bottom of the ocean and just walk around down there. The tons of pressure won't harm me at all. I don't even have to breathe! Breathing is something I can do if I want to on land, but I don't have to do it. I'm indestructible. If I hold my breath, I'll be fine. My body'll just keep working anyway. So maybe the genie'll have to make it so that my body either doesn't need oxygen or can make its own or something. But I certainly can't have brain damage and I shouldn't even pass out. Because if I'm on the ocean floor and I pass out, I'll have to wait down there until someone finds me and fish will be laying eggs in my nose and stuff.

If I get chucked into outer space without a space suit--it could happen--I can just float around out there. I won't suffer decompression, of course. Nor do I have to breathe. And the extreme cold of outer space won't affect me. My cells can't freeze, after all. Even if I get sent directly into the sun, I'll be fine. Won't even get a tan. Won't even hurt my eyes. I'll just be like, "Oh yeah, I'm in the sun."

The problem is, if someone puts cement on my feet before chucking me in the ocean, or I get caught in the gravity of the sun, or somebody chucks me into lava or wet concrete or quicksand, I'll be stuck! I'll be alive and unhurt, but it'll be really boring getting stuck there forever. So I'll have to have some second ability to get me out of those jams.

Dream on!
Dream on!

Second Wish

You see how the second wish just flows out of your first? And the first was necessary if you didn't want to be cheated by that genie. So there's two wishes used up just to make sure you can make your third wish safe. But anyway, them's the rules, so without further ado, let's get to this second wish.

You have to be able to teleport anywhere you want whenever you want. But, y'know what?, I haven't a clue how that would work. I mean, there are places you've actually been to, so you know what they're like. And there are places you can actually see, so you can just teleport there, 'cause you see it. But how does the magic teleportation ability know exactly where you want to go? See, it doesn't make any sense. If you think, "I want to go to Brazil," well, where in Brazil? If you've never been there, how do you know? You might just say the biggest city you know, but where in that city? It's like your brain will have to have some graphical interface with dropdown menus that you can click through to find where you want to go. But that'd be cumbersome and really inefficient. It should be like moving your arm. You don't think, "Move arm" and then your arm moves. You just do it, Boom, like that. Except without the boom sound, usually.

It also seems you'd need some sort of coordinate system. But that would require a graphical interface again! Or it would require you to keep way too much information in your brain. I mean, we're not talkin' just earth here! If you want to teleport to some distant star, you can do that! After all, you're indestructible now. You should also be able to have a point that you call 'home' and you can just POOF appear there safely whenever you like--except without that poof sound.

So I don't know how that would work, but you just have to explain all of this to the genie so HE knows just what it is you're looking to be able to do and that you really don't want to have a graphical interface in your brain. Then you let him make the arrangements. He's the magic one.

Third Wish

Okay, now you can finally wish for anything you want. It should probably be something selfless, or I think people will generally think ill of you until the end of time. That would suck. But if it's a genie who specifically says, "Oh yeah, you can only wish for stuff for yourself," then you shouldn't feel guilty. Also, just out of courtesy, ask, "Can I free the genie?" He'll tell you, y'know, "This isn't Disney, moron!" and you'll be thinking, "Up yours, pal, I was just trying to be nice."

So if your third wish is a selfish one, it's up to you, but I think for me I'd really like to get anything I want off eBay instantly. It's important that it be the real item, though, and not some magically-produced duplicate. Also, I don't want to take the item without paying, because I don't like to steal, right? The genie's going to have to give me some way of producing money out of thin air, then. But it has to be in a way that won't negatively affect the economy, because I don't want to cause severe inflation just because I went crazy on eBay one night.

So there you go, be careful what you wish for and remember: THINK!

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Comments 45 comments

Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 7 years ago Author

I'd love to hear what you would wish for. Don't worry; there are no wrong answers. Just let me know right here in the comments section. Or else!


cosette 7 years ago

I wish I could fly. I always thought that would be tremendous fun. I would also like to be invisible sometimes; that would be cool. I also think the ability to transport yourself anywhere in the world just by blinking would be great - Imagine going to Rome, or Paris or the top of Mt. Everest all in one day!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 7 years ago Author

Oh yeah, flying's a great idea! But you'd need that indestructibility wish. Because, you're flying around, enjoying yourself, start chasing a bird of some sort--then suddenly the thin air causes you to black out and you plummet into the middle of a cannibal tribe's village. Boy would your face be red! Or maybe you can call it fly-floating, so if you do pass out, you'll just hover there until you come to. Just hope you don't get sucked into a jet engine while you're out (and invisible). That's just what a genie is hoping. Trust me.

Thanks for your comment, cosette!


Tatiana  7 years ago

i wish i cud i had a purple bracelet on my hand that granted any wish i made 5 seconds after i made it and that i was able to take the bracelet off when i wanted to but it still granted my wishes. i just want to be happy that's all u dont know the half of it.please grant it anyway.


pgrundy 7 years ago

I wish I hadn't found this bottle with a genie in it.

I have enough trouble just making sure my socks match each morning. :)


MyWebs profile image

MyWebs 6 years ago from Sheridan, WY

A nice amusing, entertaining fun Hub, well done.

1) No knowledge is never lost again and is always retrievable to everyone in a manner that's understandable. So humanity can keep advancing and always learn from past mistakes. I must add this one after reading your other hub about all the lost books.

2) The devil and all of his demons must be locked into an inescapable cage for eternity from which he has no way to influence anything in the known universe, any other dimension or parallel universes. There is no way for anything living or dead to help free him either. No devil eliminates all evilness from this world like murder, rape, theft....

3) Since we have an abundance of resources on this Earth I think we could eliminate money from society. Then people would no longer go without food, housing and other basic necessities. Everyone is required to still work and contribute to society in a positive manner or they only get the bare minimum needed to survive. No wii, Internet or hot Asian babes for them.

I realize I have left myself wide open to the wrath of the evil Genie and his gang but that's alright. This world will be much better off if my wishes come true as planned. I realize there are probably tons of things that could go wrong I didn't think of, but its bedtime so that's my excuse. I wonder where the flaws are in my wishes?


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Thanks for commenting. I'll leave other intrepid explorers to imagine the flaws in those wishes. There's just no telling what a genie might do. But I can say, assuming they all worked out, I'd be fairly unhappy with the third wish. All this knowledge and no internet? Oh dear. Judge Arthur sentences you to three days browsing Almighty Wikipedia, where ye shall know of its Infinite Wisdom. Just ignore its Abundant Inanity.

Cheers!


MyWebs profile image

MyWebs 6 years ago from Sheridan, WY

I meant that for those who chose to be lazy and not work the penalty would be that they only get the bare necessities in life. Nothing extra or nice like the things I mentioned. I was attempting to combat the Sloth that would likely happen if there was no monetary incentive to work.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Oh, I gotcha. I misread your final paragraph. I missed the "or" somehow. Good wish, then! "To each according to his deeds". So I'd still get my harem and collection of pewter jellyfish.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

"He'll say to himself, "Haha, okay, I'll make you a proton!" (What an ass!)" That was pretty funny man. I liked this one you really seemed to let your guard down! I read another hub here somewhere on a similar (though not as funny) version and they said, "If you ask a genie, I want to be a millionaire" then the genie will say, "POOF! OK Your wish is granted, you want to be a millionaire!" Damn genies, always trying to ruin peoples fun.

My dream would be to earn a better living than I do now through my writing and my painting. Whether the genie grants me that or a rotten tomato instead I can't bare to witness. Fun article AW.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Thanks for the Zoltakerific comment, Ben!

Yeah, my natural mode is actually humourous, but I got the idea that I'm supposed to be relentlessly serious on hubpages. I don't know why. But 9 out of 10 cats agree, on the topic of genies, there's just no holding back. I'm working on an article about the 10 animal species I loathe the most. It's supposed to be another humourous one.

Your wish sounds pretty incorruptible. Those are the benefits of virtue, I guess. hehe

Cheers!


advisor4qb profile image

advisor4qb 6 years ago from On New Footing

I love Barbara Eden's character in "I Dream of Jeannie!" I watched that show religiously as a child.

My wishes?

1. Good health for me and those I love

2. Wealth

3. Love

4. Perfect Self-Expression


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Thanks for the comment, advisor4qb. I won't even begin to go into how a genie might ruin your wishes, let alone a wish-granting rattlesnake.

Cheers!


Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

Ok Arthur (and Ben) I'm the not so humorous author of that hub. You forgot the funny line.."make me a malted" POOF, you're a malted.

What would I wish for? I would wish for wisdom and a great sense of humor.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

haha good one. But uh, what's a malted?

I remember seeing a birthday card where a guy asks a wizard "Make me a cake," and the wizard turns him into a cake. Hopefully he doesn't get eaten. That'd be perverse.

Wisdom and a sense of humour? Pfft! I already have those! ;)

Just kidding. Good wishes!


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

A million dollars deposited into my account every year for the rest of my life.

To live to be a hundread with no illness or handicaps in my future.

For Spencer and my son and my brother to all live to be a hundread with no illness or handicaps in their futures as well.

And maybe to weigh 110 pounds for the rest of my life and my prebaby boobs back!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Pinkie,

So after the million dollars is illegally deposited into your account, you can all live to 100 in the maximum security prison. hehehe

Aren't pre-baby boobs smaller? I think I'll have to talk the genie out of that.

Seriously though, good wishes! (Except the smaller boobs wish.)

Cheers!


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

No No no, my boobs were substantial before the baby, and gravety takes its liberty with them after a baby if they are already nicely sized. Id much rather have my bouncing babies back...

Guess i was thinking i covered all angles on the million dollar thing...touche' my friend, touche'.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

gee whiz A.W. - I feel a top ten coming on after reading this hub - it's so darn good that I left the computer screen on for 24 hours at this very hub space ......


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

top ten forthcoming .... where are you these days A.W. ????

I've been around (as you know) these pages of hubs and there's a heap load of wild women lusting over every word you write - believe me I haven't seen this since Beatlemania - or since they gave Charlie Sheen a free weekend pass at the Best little whorehouse in Texas ------


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Pinkie,

Ohhhh, so that's what happens to post-pregnancy boobs? See, talking to you is both entertaining AND informative. hehehe


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey epigramman,

Busy busy these last few days. Unfortunately not due to the load of wild women lusting over every word I write. I keep trying to get settled to write a new hub, then new things crop up. Don't you hate it when duties impinge on fun? But my slacker equanimity will not be disturbed. I am as a still pond surrounded by butterflies and the occasional deer laps up my juices.

Cheers!


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

:P that's me sticking my tongue out at you...only im not good with little expresion faces.


wandererh profile image

wandererh 6 years ago from Singapore

Wow, wish I thought of this hub. Seems that you have covered all your bases. But, even if you are indestructible, and can teleport anywhere that you want, you might get pretty lonely a couple of trillion years down the road when the universe starts to run down and everybody starts dying on you.

And so, for my third wish, I would like to power to create life. :)


The Shadows 6 years ago

lol why not wish for 1.an unstopobale army that will serve your for an eternity(so you can do whatever you wanth with it.) 2.Imortality(Abivouslly so you could live forever and ever and never die-(dosent mean you would be invinclbe you simplly woundt die) 3.in fact i would be cool with those 2. but my 3rd wish would be either A to free the genie and tell him that under no circumstances he can kill me or attack me. or B-To Merry The Genie(Okay this one is extra mean... not sure bout it)


The Shadows 6 years ago

Reason well you problly think why not wish for alot of money well abviouslly if i had an undefeatable army i would simply take what i wanth.... some of you think wishing for love... in my opinion no offense waste of a wish i mean cmon you can easilly get a gf or bf(depending on your gender) well unless you got no skills... oh and some of you may say if you wish for immortalliy you'd get lonly i doubt that.. although i would be bored as centuries would pass but agen i could live till the time itself ceases to exist.


myownworld profile image

myownworld 6 years ago from uk

Just laughing here. Very imaginative and well written. Who knew to be granted wishes wasn't such a great thing after all and required careful and deliberate planning! I always wonder though why when someone is granted those three wishes, they don't ask to have 'all their wishes answered!.' I mean, just imagine that... the convenience of it - one could then relax with a drink and wish for things to one's heart's content! ;)


vernia Katrina Short 5 years ago

i wish i was born in the year 1993 so i can get a job to support my two babies


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 5 years ago Author

Katrina, what a depressing thought. If you're too young to work, someone should be supporting you. Well, good luck with your life and children.


Crystalyn 5 years ago

1. Drivers licenses

2. A corvette car that's automatic

3. wish I had my N


Starsky 4 years ago

I wish that the universe would send me a magic wishing rock that would grant me unlimited wishes of whatever I asked for, even the impossible ones, and would come with instructions on how to use it, and it would come within the next hour.


Jenny 4 years ago

1 i wish i was a human when dry and a mermaid when wet

2 i wish that the guy i like would like me back

3 i wish that my friend misty was a mermaid to


UB 4 years ago

I wish for health, wealth and happiness.


robert 4 years ago

wish 1 none of this happened to me

wish 2 i felt like i always felt before this happened

wish 3 i wish i had my life back please make all these come true please i miss my life so much


esther nyambura 4 years ago

ya i just wish for good things in like to have big house and car


cindy 3 years ago

I wish I had an ipad


TylaEllie 3 years ago

1.) To grant any wish 2.) to have a iphone


guess 1 2 years ago

i wish that i could just be happy in life .

i wish i could get off punishment right now .

i wish the gift card that i have now would have 500 dollars on it from the bank that actually works


Sonic 2 years ago

my 1rst wish is for you to make Shara go back to life.

my 2cond wish is for to return the Arabian night's back the way they were.

my 3rd wish is Erazor Djin is for you to live out the time in your lamp just like you were in the days of old.


Sue 2 years ago

Wish 1:I wish Alessa and I would both have magic.

Wish 2:I wish my family and my friends would be immortal because I love them.

Wish 3:I wish I could get good grades on my report cards to make my parents proud.


Aniket 2 years ago

I wish that i will get ipod touch 5G,ipad air,smartwatch,samsung gear and Sg cricket kit. plz do it for me.


Rei 2 years ago

1. I wish that after I wake up from sleeping that I would wake up as Renoir the Mutant Ninja Turtle from the MNT Gaiden the Fan Manga/Comic by Tigerfog after Raphael and Donatello put him on the couch.

2. I wish that I would have a flawless copy of Renoir’s memories as Augustus Amherst from the MNT Gaiden Fan Manga/Comic by Tigerfog.

3. I wish to have this power Ability Creation Advanced: I can create any power or ability I want without any limitation and bestow it upon myself; I can create enhanced versions of existing abilities or specific countermeasures for any of them, and accumulate an unlimited number of abilities without any side-effects. I can even take it further and thoroughly customize a power, like designing a power to only harm a certain thing or activate after a certain condition. I can use this ability by mentally describing or visualizing the power or ability I want.


alan mardakhayev 23 months ago

I wish that I have magic powers so I can make all of my dream wishes come true with the power of magic


DONAVYN LEEDOM 20 months ago

i wish that all my wishes would come true in 30 sec today


cyndi hack 19 months ago

I wish to be alive and have a real life again

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