Birdemic - Spoiler Alert: Dreadful The SAD Movie Review
Well, I had a good run. This is the second, and most likely last Spoiler Alert: Dreadful movie ever. There will never be anything as terrible, or as great, as this movie. However, it is really sad, because apparently the director, James Nguyen, made this movie with the intention of it being a good movie. That’s like the director of Scary Movie wanting people to take it very seriously. No, really, it’s that bad. Allow me to elaborate...
What Is This Movie About?
The story, what little there is of one, centers around Rod. He is a salesman for a ”big company”, who meets Nathalie at a diner, and he asks her out. They go out a few times, and then one day, suddenly, birds start attacking everything. The rest of the movie turns into a survival-horror type movie, minus the horror (and 100% chance of survival, actually). It centers around the struggles they have to survive, which could have been made easier if they just stayed in the car until the birds stop attacking, but what do I know. But that is only the main, obvious plot points.
The much more subtle points of this movie are the undertones of the effects of Global Warming. And when I say “subtle undertones”, I mean the Harry Potter books was more subtle with its undertones about magic, than this movie is. You are hit over the head, knocked down, dragged back up, and hit in the face again and again with the message. There are several references to John Lennon, and almost everyone drives a hybrid. There is even a scientist that says the birds are attacking because of the bird flu, and that was caused by global warming. My head hurt from the message that was beaten into it.
I do need to talk about the special effects. You know when you are in a haunted house, and they drop a rubber bat on a string, and they bounce it around to look like it is flying?. If only the birds in this looked that realistic. They found about six animated GIF files of birds, and used them for ALL OF THE BIRDS IN THE MOVIE! When they show up, HALFWAY through the movie, you can hardly believe how bad they look. However, by that time, the movie is so bad, you only laugh at how bad it looks, and it really adds to the B-movie vibe that it wasn't going for, but nailed (so sad...).
Oh God, Why?
I need to touch on the couple of truly terrible parts, before I get into the hilariously terrible parts.
- The sound in this movie is terrible. In the first scene in a restaurant, there is no other sound from the diner, then all of a sudden, the mic is turned on, so the waitress can speak, and there is so much background noise you can barely hear her.
- The editing is also terrible. There are long awkward pauses before it cuts sometimes, and other times it cuts in the middle of the person’s last word. It makes no sense.
Every actor in this movie is terrible, other than Nathalie, who is actually kind of okay.
Now, onto the hilariously terrible parts. I took so many notes during this movie, here are some highlights;
- A full minute montage of Rod driving to work in his hybrid Mustang, where in the middle they show him stopping to get gas. This minute long scene pays off, with a 30 second scene of him at work, where he makes a $1 million sale. Over the phone.
- A scene with two awkward white people, dancing in an empty bar, while an awkward black guy sings an awkward song about hanging out with his family.
- 47 minutes into the movie (almost exactly the halfway point), the birds attack. All of the sudden. Seriously, it just shows a city shot, then a split second later, the birds are in the sky. They don’t fly in from anywhere, they are just teleporting there. If I would have known that I could have got teleporting powers from the bird flu, I would have made out with more pigeons. Morepigeons.
- The birds attack the window, and Rod and Nathalie barricade the window with the bed, but only the bottom half of the window. Because everybody knows that birds can’t get in the top half of a window.
- When the birds stop attacking, they leave the hotel, and meet a couple that have a van they can all travel in. When they get in, the eagles attack again, and the new guy pulls out a machine gun from under the seat.
- Infinite bullets in every gun, no matter what kind
- People get attacked, and Rod (who is in the van) says “I have to go save them!”, to which Nathalie replies “No, they area already dead, and you will get attacked too!”, to which he says, “You’re right”, and they leave. What a hero.
- So the camera can see them in the car, the windows are down in the car AT ALL TIMES, during a bird attack
- Dude in a cowboy hat asks for extra gas, then when Rod refuses, Cowboy Guy awkwardly pulls out a gun, and takes the extra gas. When he is backing away, a bird swoops down, and slices the man’s throat clear open. What is even more ridiculous is that Rod gets back in the van, leaving the gas can, and Cowboy Guy’s gun behind.
- There is literally too much to mention for this last point, so I will only say: the last new character you meet in the movie, is listed on IMDB.com as Tree Hugger. Yeah
Wait, Did That Just Happen?
I normally want to pick just one scene from the movie, but two really stand out as being so, so bad.
Rod and Nathalie are walking on a beach, and they are awkwardly talking (that might be the second underlying theme, after GLOBAL WARMING *hits you in the face*), when the worst editing to ever happen, happened.
I’m no director (neither is Nguyen, but anyway), but this is how the shot should be: To use more than one take, and stitch it together, you need 2 camera angles (which are used). So, when there is a cut, you can switch between camera angles, and the flow of the scene is even, and normal.
Well, what happens is this: this is the shot of them head on, and they are talking (each point where I put CUT, is a noticeable edit point)
Rod: “So, do you have a back-up plan, if the modeling career doesn't work out?”
Nathalie “Not really. I figure if I don’t make it by the time I’m thi-CUT”
*she is now looking away from Rod, now she turns back* “I figure I’ll just take it from there”
Rod: “You should have a Plan B. I always do”
Rod: “I mean, look at me, blah blah”
If the director knew what he was doing, you could have switched between angles, and not messed up the flow of the scene at all. Instead, you have this Frankensteined scene, that made me laugh so hard, and watch four times to make sure I wasn't imagining it.
The other scene, was the last one. Rod, Nathalie, and the two worst child actors they could find (lets call them “The New and Improved Haley Joel Osment’s) are at the beach, eating. When suddenly, the birds attack, shockingly. They run clear back up the hill, back to the van, and Rod starts shooting again. He then runs out of bullets, which caused me to yell at the TV “I WOULD HOPE SO, YOU FIRED LIKE 80 BULLETS!”. just when things look really bad, the birds all leave. Rod, Nathalie, and the N&IHJO’s return to the beach, where Nathalie says “I wonder why they stopped attacking?” They all look out into the ocean, for 45 seconds.....then the credits start rolling, with them still looking into the ocean, for two and a half more minutes.....then it ends. No explanation of why they stopped at all, just them staring out in the ocean. For FOUR MINUTES.
It’s Not All Bad…..
Despite of everything i have mentioned that is terrible, the whole movie is fantastic. Every second of this movie doesn't make any sense, but it works so well. It is funny every single second, and you will not yell at your TV for logic loopholes more at a TV. I yelled “Wait, did that kid just die, and they left him in the van?” and “Stop getting out of the car, if you don’t want to be attacked by BIRDS!” at different points. Many good (or bad) horror or suspense movies make you yell at the TV, at the morons in the movie (why didn't the people in Piranha 3d just get out of the water?)
Actually, this movie isn't bad, if you watch it correctly. If you try to take it seriously, like the director intended (so sad....), then you will think it is terrible. This movie needs to be watched in the same mindset you would have while watching Rocky Horror, or Machete, in order to fully enjoy it. It’s not for everyone, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
FIVE ACID (OR URINE?) DROPPING EAGLES, OUT OF FIVE
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