"Blood Thirsty" Movie Review

Starring Monique Parent, Leslie Danon, Matt Bailey, and Julie Strain

We enter the plot as the struggling brunette guitarist (whose name I didn't bother to write down) moves into the icy blonde's spare room. The brunette is cute enough, but she's missing that elusive quality that makes an actress a hottie. She's just kind of... there.

The icy blonde's boyfriend ambles in and out of the storyline, sometimes pitching a hissy fit at the breakfast table, sometimes calling from Salt Lake City to borrow money. He doesn't seem to find anything particularly remarkable in his girlfriend's penchant for drinking the blood of her nubile young roommate, so I guess he's a pretty open-minded guy. Other than that, he doesn't really make much of an impression.

The scruffy guitarist (and what a guitarist she is! She plays an entire song without changing chords! It's like magic!) agrees to the icy blonde's terms. In fact, she's kind of into it. (It should be said at this point that neither of the girls are actually vampires -- just goth beyond belief, I guess.)

They quickly fall into a relationship, and here's where the movie really goes downhill. I mean, let's face it -- if I was actually interested in someone elses control issues, inability to trust others, and intimacy phobias, I'd start dating again.

The guitarist steals some of the icy blonde's jewelry and pawns it to buy a guitar, the icy blonde finds out about it, the guitarist starts hustling for gigs so she can get the icy blonde's jewelry (as well as a present the icy blonde gave her) out of hock; many tears and recriminations and Serious Conversations ensue... oh, it's torture, I tell you!

20 points awarded for a fairly respectable portrait of a Relationship Doomed By A Severe Power Imbalance. Just because I didn't want to hear about it doesn't mean it was poorly done.

10 points subtracted for the icy blonde's sacred razor blade container, which was probably supposed to be some kind of ancient Egyptian treasure box, but looked like nothing so much as an exceptionally shiny butter dish.

8 points subtracted for an irritating directorial quirk. You know how, when they want a character to look particularly menacing and mysterious, they'll film them partly in shadow, with a bar of light across their eyes? (Chris Carter used this to great effect with Eugene Tooms.) Well, they shoot the icy blonde using an eyelight pretty much ALL THE TIME. It was funny for about the first half of the movie... then it was just annoying.

2 points awarded for what I first thought was a truly glaring continuity quirk, wherein a bowl of bright GREEN apples in the foreground suddenly becomes a bowl of bright RED apples.

Turns out this was actually done on purpose to achieve a specific effect, and if you're paying attention (which I clearly was not) you'll see several other visual elements suddenly replaced with their red counterparts. Which is actually pretty clever, and it was terribly unfair of me to just assume that the apple-switcheroo happened by accident. (Bad critic, no biscuit!)

Final score: 54 points

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