"Blood of Heroes" Movie Review
Starring Rutger Hauer, Delroy Lindo, Joan Chen, Anna Katarina, and Vincent D'Onofrio.
My friends and I ushered in the New Year as is right and proper -- by watching a Rutger Hauer movie.
I'd seen this movie on the shelves many times before, but something about the cover always led me to believe it was a Vietnam movie. Fortunately, Wormy Sky actually bothered to read the back -- he's very resourceful that way -- and discover that it was actually a movie set in the future, with overlords. What more could you want from a Rutger Hauer movie?
Well, for one thing you could want just a TEENSY bit of plot. I'm not real picky, you understand, but this baby SUCKED. Also, Rutger is practically not in the movie at all. I mean, he's THERE, but he only has about ten lines, and the rest of the time he just stands around looking stupid in his future clothes (about which more will be said later).
The entire movie revolves around this game they play in the future, which is a little like a cross between the Thunderdome cage match and soccer. The object of the game is to put a painted dog skull on a stake. Seriously. There's lots of blood and vicious fighting, some of which involves these giant Q-tip weapons they all carry around.
Joan "Josie Martell" Chen is the scrappy, ambitious girl who hooks up with Rutger when he blows through town and kicks her team's provincial ass. Because Rutger used to play the dog skull game professionally, you see, until he was kicked out of the posh underground town for flirting around with "an elegant lady".
Vincent D'Onofrio is the guy in their team they call Dog Boy. He didn't have many lines, either, except to whimper "nobody carries the Dog Boy" when he's lying mortally wounded in the desert. (I was a little disappointed that NOT ONCE in the movie does he gulp, snap his teeth, and ask for a glass of sugar water.)
Now to Rutger's outfits. Among other ridiculous items of clothing, in this movie my favorite Dutchman sports:
- A swatch of radial tire tread tied around his head like a bumper.
- A poncho which appears to be made from a set of Levelor blinds.
- A pink tank top which appears to be made out of one of those nonskid mats you put down so the rugs won't slide all over the hardwood floors.
So they all meet, they play lots of these games, they travel to the big posh underground city and play MORE games, and eventually they win. It's very inspirational.
The REALLY weird thing about this movie is that it's written and directed by David Peoples. Peoples is the man who loosely adapted Philip K. Dick's "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" into the script for "Bladerunner". I'm not really sure what to make of that fact, actually, but I thought you might find it interesting.
Final score: 22
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