Breaking News - Man Wears Stained Undershirt in Own Home

Source

Action News Special Report | Filed by freelance reporter, Ima Lyer | 12-10-2010

Acting on an anonymous tip, I arrived at the scene in time to witness the incident still in progress and conduct an on-the-spot interview with the alleged offender, identified only as Fudley. I found him sitting in his kitchen in front of a half-finished plate of French fries and smoking a cigarette in a stained wife-beater undershirt.

“Do you admit that your shirt has a stain on it?” I asked.

“So what if it does?” He was nonchalant. He stared off into space as if I weren’t there.

“Do you own a washing machine?” I asked.

“Not only do I own one, but I am a washing machine repairman,” he bragged.

“Then you really have no excuse to be wearing a stained undershirt,” I prompted. He glared at me for a minute.

“I didn’t know anyone was coming over,” he said defensively.

“I suppose you thought you could get away with it?”

“Get away with what? Wearing a shirt of my choice in my own home? You’re some kind of weirdo,” he said snidely with a sideways glance. I knew we were getting into dangerous territory now.

“I’m just trying to get the facts,” I assured him bravely. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

“Why don’t you go report on the president or global warming or something?” he asked.

“Your diversionary tactics won’t work with this reporter. I have the nose of a bloodhound. I sniffed out this story and I’m not letting it go until I get to the bottom of it.” I shook my notebook in his face to make my point. “Now, that shirt you are wearing is technically called a ‘wife-beater’. Do you beat your wife, sir?”

He growled deep in his throat. “I don’t have a wife. If I did, do you think my shirts would have stains on them?”

“That’s very chauvinistic of you,” I remarked. “So you are saying the only thing women are good for is doing laundry?”

He became outraged, picked up a calculator from the table and flung it at the wall. “I never said that. But it does occur to me that if you were somewhere doing laundry, I could finish my French fries in peace.”

“Let’s just get down to brass tacks, why don’t we,” I said, not backing down. “Now are you or are you not going to wash that shirt?”

“I probably will. Eventually. Stop pressuring me.”

“Will you be pre-treating that stain?” I asked.

“Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. I don’t have to answer any more of your questions.” When he stood, I noticed he had a stain on his pants as well.

“What brand of laundry soap do you use?” I asked, giving his pants a critical eye.

“None of your business. Now get out of here before I do something completely outside my character.”

“What? Like wash a dish or organize your clutter? Empty threats, my friend, empty threats. You don’t scare me.”

“If you think this is a real scoop, you ought to come back this weekend. I plan to put on my house slippers and wear them until Sunday night, even to the grocery store. Now there’s a newsflash for you.” His sarcasm made him all the more threatening, but I held my ground as any good reporter would.

“What grocery store do you go to?” I asked. “Will you be buying any detergent?”

I was escorted to the door at that point, but I managed one more question before it was slammed in my face.

“Are you going to change into a clean shirt now?” I called as I was shoved onto the front porch.

He refused to answer the question. More on this story as it develops.

Comments 19 comments

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

Hahaha! You did not dissapoint. That funny comment on my hub was not a false trail. The bread crumb did in fact lead to cake. And ketchup and some cold, ashy fries! Great stuff.


cookingdiva 5 years ago

Funny, I found you through shadesbreath forum thread. Cool and funny hubs.


wilderness profile image

wilderness 5 years ago from Boise, Idaho

I'm glad you're not from Idaho; you might show on MY doorstep one day!

Thanks for the hub - a good laugh.


Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 5 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks for the comments! Sometimes I like to veer into the strikingly ordinary for my "news" reports.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 5 years ago from Bishop, Ca

Shades sent me, too, Karen/Ima-I always pay attention to his recommendations. You are hysterical!

Poor dear Fudley, at least he escorted you to the door. Must have been a bit of an effort.

Funny, funny stuff!


PurpleOne profile image

PurpleOne 5 years ago from Canada

I love this! Too funny. :)


Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 5 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks for the comments. It's nice when readers appreciate the lengths to which an investigative journalist must go to get a story.


chspublish profile image

chspublish 5 years ago from Ireland

This fun piece gets my vote. Thanks for the laugh.


Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 5 years ago from Midwest Author

You're welcome, chspublish! And thanks for enjoying my silliness.


nell79 profile image

nell79 5 years ago from United States

Very interesting and engaging sense of humor. A fun read!


floresmoses profile image

floresmoses 5 years ago from Fort Collins, Colorado

I can relate to the stained shirt guy. My wife tries to throw out my t shirts but I say nay! You have to keep them around until they are stained because that's when they start getting really comfortable. I think we should do a report on the reporter, just to see if the reporter has any "dirty laundry" of her own that we could expose.


Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 5 years ago from Midwest Author

Well, Flores, I happen to know the reporter, Ima Lyer, personally and she has plenty of skeletons in the closet. Probably a whole pile of dirty laundry too!

You are right, well worn clothes are the most comfy.


princess g profile image

princess g 5 years ago

lol, that was great:)


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

Hystericaloliciousness....Almost pulled a muscle as I ROFLed on myself. Shades said you were my twin sister in the forums. Is that true? Do you have a large cranium? What size shoe do you wear? Where are our parents? Are you getting me something for Christmas? I'll let you get me something this year, and I'll get you something next year....


Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 5 years ago from Midwest Author

Stan, I am so happy to hear you are not ROLFing anymore. Although it sounds kind of fun: rolling on the laughing floor. Well, fun and creepy at the same time. I don't know if we are twins. I will measure my cranium and let you know. I wear a size 7.5 in shoes and if you are hinting you want to borrow some of mine, I feel it's only fair I tell you that I mainly like comfy shoes. So, if you were hoping for some spikey heels to go with your purple outfit, it's not happening here. I thought our parents were keeping in touch with you! As you may or may not recall, they still have that pesky restraining order on me. I have indeed selected your Christmas present and it's very exciting. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but it's too cool to keep to myself: I am looking into a cranium reducer for you. I'm not sure how your massive intellect will fit inside a smaller cranium, but you'll figure something out. Maybe you will have to let a little bit of it hang over the top. Don't worry, your hair will hide it.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

I've been waiting to have my cranium reduced since I was about 6. I would love to be able to go into a hat shop and actually buy something that fit. Thank you so much. I can't wait!


Gyspy Writer profile image

Gyspy Writer 5 years ago from Midwest

Hilarious! Plus, I really like the poll.


consChano 3 years ago

I used to acquire high on lifestyle yet as of late I have accumulated any opposition.


Futamarka 3 years ago

Ваша эпиляция будет совершенной только при профессиональном, качественном локоне. Поэтому мы предлагаем услуги наших специалистов, имеющих большой опыт заботы и высокую квалификацию. Только они смогут обеспечить быстро и качественно локон кровельных шиньонов. Наши специалисты всегда готовы провести заботы по устройству Вашей эпиляции. При этом почти всегда удается подобрать наиболее экономичное и практичное решение всех узлов эпиляции.

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