"Breeders" Movie Review

Starring Todd Jensen, Samantha Womack, Oliver Tobias, and Kadamba Simmons

This movie was so bad that it threw me into a fit of existential depression simply by virtue of the fact that I was sitting here watching it.

Now THAT, my friends, is a bad movie.

The back of the video tells you everything you need to know. Alien craft crashes on the grounds of an all-girl college. Gooey alien goes on rampage. People run around in the dark. Approximately 9,000 industrial-sized jars of petroleum jelly get spilled all over the set. Eventually the alien gets killed.

You know, I'll be turning 30 this summer. And what do I have to show for it?

Christ.

Anyway, the movie follows the college art teacher who beds down with the cutest student in his class within the first 30 minutes of the movie. (Nothing inappropriate THERE, no sirree.) And then there's the mystery girl in some kind of cheap bondage outfit with her face half-burnt who escaped from the wreckage. And of course the matronly college dean who disapproves of the art teacher's liason with his student (go figure).

People start dying. The cops show up. The cops don't believe the art teacher when he blames the deaths on a ten foot tall alien.

Maybe I should start reading the personals. Should I start reading the personals? I mean, I honestly can't picture myself dating someone I met through a personals ad. But then again, most people can't picture themselves dating someone they met on Usenet, but I've done that too, and it....

Well. Never mind that. Okay, scratch the personal ads idea.

So when the alien ship crashed (although everyone thought it was a meteor) it popped out all these little chunks of crystal, and the college girls, being girly-girls, start wearing the chunks of crystal around their necks. Except they aren't really chunks of crystal; they're actually mind-control devices which the alien uses to hypnotize the girly-girls and lure them down into his subterranean lair, where he can impregnate them, because he's the last of his species.

I can't believe I sat here and watched the whole entire movie. Maybe I should get a hobby. Oh, wait... this IS my hobby. Okay, scratch that idea, too.

Eventually the art teacher and the burnt-faced girl team up to rescue the art teacher's girly-girl girlfriend, and the alien gets blown up, because the all-girl college is located conveniently right next to an oil refinery.

No, I'm NOT kidding. And did I mention that the movie is ostensibly set in Boston?

Gotta watch out for them Boston oil refineries. They'll sneak up on you, they will.

At first I thought "this is what happens when you let boys make the movies." Then I realized that this was putting the cart before the horse, and the truth is that this is what happens when you let boys rent movies, thereby fuelling the market for movies where girly-girls wander around in leopard print lame' nighties.

Which made me even more depressed, until I realized that what happens when you let GIRLS rent the movies is that you end up with a market clogged full of heart-felt Nora Ephron pseudo-comedies where the girl overcomes impossible odds to fall in love with The Right Guy just in time for the final credits.

Overall, the conclusion I was able to draw from Breeders is that EVERYONE SUCKS and I need to move to a shack in the middle of Montana post haste before I chew off my own arm out of self-loathing.

Summary: I've seen better.


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