Carl the Critic: Reviews "Babes in Toyland"
"Babes in Toyland"
A TV ad for "Babes in Toyland"
"Babes in Toyland"
"Hey Carl, great twilight lol. have you heard of 'Babe's in Toyland'?..."_Some Unknown Fan
Thanks Some Unknown Fan, I do have a "great twilight" (I'm assuming you actually mean the review), and I have heard of "Babe's in Toyland" too. It was a movie with Drew Barrymore, and Keanu Reeves that was just so bad it was hilarious.
Yes I'm well aware that The Nostalgia Critic (from That Guy With The Glasses dot com) did a review of it, and I'm sure that those who read my reviews also see his work (if you don't I highly recommend checking it out.)
BUT you aren't here to listen to a much better movie critic's opinion of a film, you are here to read mine. After asking people what "bad movies" I should review I was happy to see that 12 people requested this one. And because I haven't seen it in so long I decided to watch the Nostalgia Critic's review of it so I can remember how bad it was. Nostalgia Critic did indeed point out the highlights of the movies badness but I think it is my duty to my Fans who are Unknown (and possibly are Somebody) to share my opinion about this classic.
Story: Based on an operetta by Glen MacDonough, "Babe's in Toyland" the film is about a girl named Lisa who after learning that there's a blizzard goes to tell her big sister to come home. On the way home with Keanu Reeves and some fat guy, Lisa falls out of the car (because get this, the trunk wasn't closed all the way, she isn't wearing a seat belt, and SHE IS SITTING ON A GOD DAMN SLED), falls down a hill, and hits her head against a tree. Then for some reason she flies to a half-assed version of Munchkin Land where everyone is wearing a costume. We then meet Georgie Porgie (an unusual fellow who has the hots for Lisa, and HIDES COOKIES IN HIS HAT! No one is going to want to eat a cookie with hair on it you moron!) who lets us in that there is an unhappy wedding going on because some old ugly nut, named Barnaby Barnicle who lives in bowling ball (I'm serious) is marring Mary Contrary, but it's sad because Mary Contrary loves Jack Nimble... As you can kinda see, Toyland is full of Mother Goose characters... But because Lisa, in the most adorably corny way, says that Mary doesn't love Barnaby but that she loves Jack. Barnaby then reenacts the Wicked Witch of the West routine to Lisa:
Barnaby: Who are you?
Lisa Piper: I'm Lisa Piper and I'm from Cincinnati.
Lisa Piper: I'm not scared of you, Mr. Barnicle, let go of me.
Barnaby: Well, whoever you are, you will regret the day you ever set foot in Toyland.
Lisa Piper: Oh, no, I won't. Except for you this looks like a wonderful place, and I'm glad I got here on the day Mary Contrary didn't marry!
Oh don't worry my dear reader, there's a lot of cheesy dialogue like this through out the movie. So the main focus of the story as you can guess has to do with Lisa, Georgy, Mary, and Jack trying to stop Barnaby and his henchmen (whom I am assuming he found at Tim Burton's Cirque du Soleil) from taking over Toyland.
All in all it's a worse version of the Wizard of Oz. A girl gets head trauma, goes to a "magical place", meets characters whom resemble people she knows in the real world, makes an enemy who vows revenge, there's a person of great power (in the Wizard of Oz there was that one guy, and in this movie there's "the Toymaster") who doesn't do anything, and in the end our main character returns home to her family while learning a valuable lesson. In "Babes in Toyland" our main character learns... To be a child forever... And believe in toys... Especially toy soldiers... Who carry real guns and ammo... Let's critique the film shawl we.
Critique: I better take this opportunity to say some of the classic quotes from the movie that the Nostalgia Critic didn't put into his review:
- Jack Nimble: What do you say to a big kiss?
Mary Contrary: Hello, big kiss.
- Jack Nimble: He's got trolls! Hundreds of trolls, who ate all the cookies!
- Barnaby: Jack be Nimble. Jack be DEAD.[BEST LINE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE!!!]
- Jack Nimble: You look so beautiful.
Mary Contrary: For you.
- Lisa Piper: I was in this town filled with talking toys and Mother Goose people, and horrible monsters tried to eat me alive!
Mrs. Piper: Well, of course they did, honey. Oh, that reminds me, I must call the pest control people.
There's a number of things I can point out about this movie, like how the dialogue above is really corny, how bad the costumes and set designs are, how bad the audio is (as pointed out by the Nostalgia Critic there is a point when Keanu Reeves says "Over my dead BODY!", but the audio peaks, and cuts off so all we hear is "Over my dead BUTT!"), how the acting is cartoonish, and the character of Lisa is very poorly developed but you know I actually legitimately like this movie a lot. It's a movie that is so bad it's good, a guilty pleasure, something that I don't mind watching over and over again just to make fun of it. You can tell that the film makers just didn't care about the movie and were like "you know what? Only kids will watch this crap so lets put no effort into it at all." This isn't really a good thing, but the characters are so serious about the silly scenarios that they are in that it makes the movie more enjoyable.
Overall: Watch this movie (possibly with a friend), expect it to be bad, and just turn your brain off (trust me making logical sense of this movie makes your head hurt). If you don't like it, I completely understand, because it's a bad movie, but I for one found it fun to watch. I gave it an overall rating of 5.9 out of 10.
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