"Carnosaur 3" Movie Review

Starring Slade Barnett, Jason Brawley, Billy Burnette, and Rob Camilletti

If I had to wave my magic wand and create the third Carnosaur movie, I would hope to God I could create a movie half as good as this one.

It opens as a group of Irish terrorists hijack a military transport vehicle which is hauling a level-four containment cargo under the toppest of top-secret security. The terrorists assume the truck is full of weapons-grade plutonium, and really, who can blame them?

My first indication that this was shaping up to be a really good movie is when, having driven the truck into a warehouse, the Irish terrorists crowd around and open the back door. The door swings open, the leader hops inside, and finds that it's empty... empty, that is, save for three very large lizards curled up in the refrigerated hold.

"The fuck is this?" He hops back out and slaps his intelligence guy upside the head. "I ask for uranium, and you give me fucking reptiles?" And even though these guys are nothing but two-bit extras, you can see it written all over their faces. What the hell are we supposed to do with a truck full of lizards? Drive it back to the base and ask for a refund?

It only gets better from there. First the local cops storm in, thinking it's a drug deal gone bad, and that the warehouse is populated with an unknown number of whacked-out drug dealers sitting on bales of cocaine. And you can tell it is THE most exciting thing they've ever done!

They all end up torn to pieces by dinosaurs, of course. Or rather, by rubber dinosaur puppets. But it's pretty much the same thing, right?

So next - and I can't applaud this enough - someone decides to send in an elite Army antiterrorist unit. You may think this is a rather unremarkable decision, but remember... in the second movie, the dinosaurs took over Area 51, and they sent in an elite group of electricians.

So anyway, they're under orders not to kill the carnosaurs, because of the great advances to medical science they (the carnosaurs) represent. A fetching scientist explains that they were created by a geneticist who was (snicker!) "brilliant but troubled," that they have human DNA (explaining their intelligence and cooperative behavior), that the T Rex is a female, and that they were designed to be asexual and self-fertilizing (thus explaining the fact that they keep popping up every few years).

Oh, and did I mention that their super DNA allows them to regenerate, and even (in at least one dramatic incident) come back from the dead? Cooool!

She also adds that the carnosaurs are cold-blooded. Which is great, because they've also managed to kick, bite, tear, disembowel, and decapitate their way onto - tada! - a refrigerated container ship. So pilot the ship out to sea and refrigerate the carnosaurs back into hibernation, right?

Well, that's the plan, anyway. It's never as easy as all that, though, is it?

Favorite dialogue:

Colonel Rance introduces the Marine reconnaissance team to his Army antiterrorist unit:

Rance: "Polcheck, Sanders, meet the Marine reconnaissance."

Polcheck (dripping with sarcasm): "Ooo, that's good."

Rance: "Polcheck."

Polcheck (humbly): "Sir."

Rossi, on the bridge of the freighter:

"Uh... you're in the hold, sir. Looks like you're going to have to get creative."

The acting was superb. The dialogue crackled. The timing (from the humblest smartass retort to the grand machinations of plot) was impeccable. The characters were gloriously distinguishable. The factions (Army, Marine, and civilian scientist) take any opportunity to bicker and snipe at each other. The rubber dinosaurs are filmed to their best advantage.

So what's wrong with Carnosaur 3?


Final score: 100 points

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