"Carnosaur" Movie Review

Starring Diane Ladd, Raphael Sbarge, Jennifer Runyon, and Harrison Page

If you thought Jurassic Park:

  • Needed more graphic dinosaurs-eating-people scenes and fewer Jeff-Goldblum-being-clever scenes

  • Could have used more rubber dinosaur hand puppets, instead of that fakey computer-generated stuff

  • Had too many little kids (which is to say, any)

  • Lacked that goofy horror movie kind of whimsy

  • Wasn't peculiar enough

Then Carnosaur is the movie for you! On the other hand, if you thought Jurassic Park:

  • Was just another product of lowest-common-denominator, mass-market filmmaking at its worst, and you decided to see an incredibly obscure foreign film about the nature of the human spirit as it relates to a young girl coming of age in Tibet, instead

Then you really need to lighten up! Also, you need to find a different website.

 But I digress.

I know a lot of people who've seen Carnosaur, and they all hated it. Whaddaya expect, I always ask them. It's a Roger Corman movie! Disliking Carnosaur because it's nothing like Jurassic Park is like being shocked at the Jerry Springer show because it's nothing like the Charlie Rose show. I mean, yeah, they both have guests on every week, but honestly!

Carnosaur is the delightfully grotesque story of a mad scientist who takes it upon herself to depopulate the planet by cooking up a virus that makes women give birth to eggs. Which hatch into dinosaurs. Which go clumping around the countryside eating people. How thorough!

That's about all you need to know, really, except that several hippies get dismembered and eaten by dinosaurs. Hooray!

High points:

  • Female lead is an Earth First!-er who's changed her name to Thrush. Which is a bird, yes, but also an oral yeast infection typified by "creamy white, curd-like patches on the tongue and inside of the mouth." (Thank you, Centers for Disease Control Searchable Index!)

  • Scientist who counters evil scientist's plans to destroy humanity by wiping out "the female of the species" by declaring that humanity doesn't need women to survive because "We've already developed artificial wombs!" (I'm not sure which scientist is more personally insulting.)

  • Hippie's last words: "Greetings, green brother!" (Chomp chomp chomp.)

  • The cry of the carnosaur, which sounds like nothing so much as a lovesick, asthmatic whale.

  • The flagship product of the genetic engineering corporation: a blueberry pie with an 18 month unrefrigerated shelf life, thanks to the fact that "each blueberry is coated with a thin layer of goat embryonic fluid." Yum!

Final score: 92 points

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