"Casino" Movie Review
Starring Robert De Niro, Sharon Stone, Joe Pesci, and James Woods
This is a FINE movie! I had put off seeing this movie because of the length -- 3 hours -- because, let’s face it, most of the time when the movie spills over to the second tape, you’re in for a lot of worthless crap (c.f. "Titanic") clogging up the works. Plus, I have the attention span of a hamster on crack. Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah -- I REALLY liked this movie.
Right off the bat I’m awarding "Casino" 2 points for the only narrative voice-over in the history of the world that actually CONTRIBUTES to the movie. 15 points for the best ending I’ve seen in AGES.
Robert DeNiro plays Ace, a gambling man who decides to go straight by getting a job where gambling IS straight. Which, let’s face it, is a little weird. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this? No points deducted, though, because people do stupid shit like this ALL THE TIME.
Joe Pesci is his nutball childhood friend who tags along and tears the place APART. Let me tell you something: if Joe Pesci ever asks you a question, my advice to you is to PROMPTLY give him a complete and accurate answer. With visual aids and/or appendices, if applicable. Trust me on this one.
Let me tell you something else: you think Troma films are gruesome? Go rent "Casino," come back and tell me what you think. 10 points to Pesci, for saying "You can either have the money and the hammer, or you can walk out of here. You can’t have both."
Hair-trigger Pesci does raise a good point, though: you go to Vegas to make money, not to cleanse your karma. 12 points for his admirable clarity of purpose.
Sharon Stone reprises her lifetime role of the shrieking harpy. Which I guess goes to show you, you can lead a whore to Vegas... uh, never mind. I’m going to target her for being the weak link of the film, because you know EXACTLY what’s going to happen with her from the minute she steps on-camera. Not sure if that’s bad writing, or bad acting. Doesn’t matter. Minus 15 points.
I will, however, refund her 8 points for keeping her panties on the whole time. Thank God. Jury’s still out on whether the points should be added or subtracted for "Gemini is the snake, and you can’t trust the snake," when we all know that Gemini is the twins. On the one hand, it’s really stupid. On the other hand, so is her character. Tough call. 5 points, however, for saying "It was just for a little while. The babysitter wasn’t there."
Uh oh -- exploding eyeball! Duck! 5 points.
10 points to John Bloom (and I’m not just sucking up here. Well, maybe a little) for delivering the best overall line of the movie: "This is no way to treat people!" 4 additional points awarded for standing waaaaay far away in a fruitless attempt to keep DeNiro from looking like a midget.
5 points for the fully-charged cattle prod in perfect working order.
15 points subtracted for the obtrusive soundtrack. Yes, yes, Devo, fine, okay, but enough already!
Final score: 94.
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