Celebrity Cook-Off USA : With Two Famous TV Chefs

Celebrity Cook-Off USA : With Two Famous TV Chefs


The scene is a brightly lit studio designed in a domestic but fashionable style.

Fake windows displaying a garden scene are framed by floral curtains.

In the foreground is a state of the art and fully functional mock-up of a modern kitchen.

Three figures are standing behind the fake marble worktops as an over-enthusiastic audience are even more fired up by the Production Team.

In the middle of the trio stands presenter Dick Kettley who brightly introduces the show.

Dick : Hi there! Good afternoon everyone and what a show we have for you this afternoon on 'Celebrity Cook-Off USA'!

applause, applause, applause

Dick : Yeah! Alright! We have a really special show here today with two fantastic celebrity chefs ready to shake their skillets and chop their onions. They're gonna cook up some really tasty treats for us today. Now! How about that?

applause, applause, applause

Dick : You got it folks. Now let's give a big hand to this little fella on my left here. He's the guy that could easily put the sesame into Sesame Street and keeps the famous Muppets fed and watered. Yes! It's the Swedish Chef!

applause, applause, applause, whoops and cheers

Swedish Chef (sings) : Unsch dee boonsch dee, Ung gi-diggy doo. Een borschgy een borschgy Uum börk, börk, börk!"

Dick : Wow! Okayyyyy!! What d'ya say? Way ta go there man, way ta go. A singing Chef folks, nice intro there buddy.

Swedish Chef : Dankee verry muchee!

Dick : No problem. Glad to have you here. And let's meet your opponent for this afternoon's cook-off. Ladies and gentlemen give it up for the South Park Superstar Chef, it's Jerome McElroy!!

applause, applause, applause, whoops and cheers

Chef : (sings) "Tonight is right for love, you know, I wanna touch you where the lights don't go , Mmmm! Tonight is right for love, Ohh yeah!!"

applause, applause, applause, whoops and cheers

Dick : Gee whizz!! We got Karaoke cooks here today. We give you everything folks, you got the best in entertainment that's for sure,

Chef : Ohh yeah!! Ah sure like to entertain. How about all you lovely ladies there in the front row. You wanna mix up some hot sauce with ol' Chef here?

Dick : Things are sure gettin' Hot! Hot! Hot! around this kitchen that's for sure. But now it's time to get to work, what d'ya say dudes?

Chef : (sings again) "You and me , and her, simultaneous. You and me , Mmmm, and you and you, simultaneous. Yeah! Simultaneous lovin' baby, two or three , Simultaneous ooohhh, come on"


Dick : Okay! That's enough singing for now I reckon my friend. Let's do some cookin'. Now! Swedy, what you got for us?

Swedy : Eh gotta liddle cheecken casserolly mit de gravy saucy und dee veggie

Dick : Right on! And how you gonna make that for us today?

The Swedish Chef produces a startled chicken from below the counter. It starts to cluck and flap its wings furiously.

Swedy : Wee put dee cheecken in dee pot,

Dick : Oh my God! You gotta real live chicken there!

Swedy : Oooh! Not for longee Noo! Noo! Noo!

He grabs the panicking chicken by the throat and plumps it into a huge saucepan. In his other hand, from out of nowhere, he suddenly brandishes a meat cleaver that glints under the studio lights. Raising his arm he holds it aloft, quivering in his hand and ready to swoop.

Dick : Jeez!! What the hell you doing?

Swedy : I makee dee nicey cheecken casseroley

Dick : Put that down goddammit! You can't do that kinda stuff on Daytime TV!

Swedy : Noo?

Dick : Hell No!!

Swedy : But Eh makee dee freshy-freshy cheecken fur dee casseroley

Dick : You ain't making no 'freshy-freshy' chicken on this show buddy. Not that fresh anyway!!

Swedy : Oooh! It's a goody, nicey little cheecken. Lotsa juicy meaty yum-yum!

Dick : I don't care fella, we ain't got no public slaughter licence here you know. We can't do that kinda stuff on this network. What d'ya think this is? Al Jazeera? We ain't gonna croak no chicken here.

Swedy : Oookay! We no makee mit dee freshy-freshy cheecken,

Dick : You got it! Now! Do we have some chicken meat in the refrigerator here?

Dick opens the refrigerator and another chicken bursts out from inside. He ducks instinctively and then pulls up with an astonished look on his face as he speaks to the camera.

Dick : Hells Bells! We gotta whole coop going on in here. Pfhh! Pfhh! I got feathers in ma mouth. Pfhh! Pfhh! Get those squawking birds outa here will ya?

A Stagehand chases the chickens around the studio floor. After checking the inside of the refrigerator Dick produces a tray of meat from the top shelf.

Dick : There you go Swedy, here's your chicken. Just the way we like it. Plucked, skinned and stone-cold dead

Swedy ; Okay dokay doodly. Wee makee dee cheecken now

Dick : Right, well, let Swedy get along with that and I'll move over here to Jerome. What you got for us today then Chef? Just as long as it ain't gotta heartbeat.

Chef : No problem ma man cos today I'm gonna show you all how to make Chef's real special Salty Balls,

Dick : Aha! The famous Chocolate Salty Balls. Just the deal for a nice dessert,

Chef : No, not this time cos these are ma famous tender n' juicy Chicken Salty Balls,

Dick : Please tell me it ain't what I think it is,

Chef : No man, it ain't what you think it is, this ain't that Arab gig kinda thing,

Dick : And nothings gonna come flying out at me?

Chef : No man, these balls ain't got no wings baby.

Dick : So what's in store for us Chef?

Chef : Well Dick you know, it takes a lotta lovin' man, a lotta lovin'. I gotta get myself into them really good tasty bits of this here chicken and smother 'em up in hot butter......

Dick : You love your work dontcha?

Chef : Sure Ah do!! Ah just love cookin' for the lovely ladies here. Ya know what Ah'm saying babe?

Dick : I don't know what you're saying but I think I catch your drift,

Chef : Just you all wait till Ah dip ma lovely chunks, til ma Chicken Salty balls are in that hot oil goin' crisp n' tender an'.......

Dick : Okay! Okay! I've heard enough, give it a rest dude, we're already working up a sweat in here. Now let's see what Swedy is up to.

Swedy : Hoo dee hoo dee hoo! Yum Yum, freshy cheecken,

Dick : Well Swedy, you've got your chicken sitting there and all your vegetables and stuff. How you gonna start proceedings?

Swedy : Mit dee meaty cleavies!

The Swedish Chef lifts two meat cleavers, one in each hand and starts a furious savaging at the ingredients before him. His frenzied arms are just a blur.

Swedy : Aaaaahhh!!! Choppee!! Choppee!! Choppee!!

Fragments of chicken, onions, carrots, endives and radishes go flying all over the kitchen. Swedy then throws the cleavers up into the air.

Dick : LOOK OUT!!!!

One blade is impaled in the wall scenery behind them and the other flies over the gantry narrowly missing a lighting technician. It lands somewhere backstage.

Swedy : Und now wee makee mit dee gravy.

He picks up a huge mallet, throws some stock cubes onto the chopping board and then starts thumping. Gravy powder explodes all over him and Dick.

Dick : Can you slow down buddy!!! .... I said, Can you please slow it down there!!!!!

Swedy : Bashee! Bashee! Bashee!

Dick can't make himself heard over the onslaught. He turns around to speak with Chef but realises he isn't there.

Dick : Where's Chef?

Chef : Over here man!

Dick looks over and sees Chef sitting in the audience with a blonde on one knee and a brunette on the other.

Dick : What you doing over there dude?

Chef : Oh! Ah'm just a-chillin with the honeys. They're gettin real familiar with Ol' Chef's famous Salty Balls,

Dick : Jeez! I think it's time we took a commercial break. Don't go away folks because after these messages Chef and Swedy are gonna invite some of their friends to try out their recipes.

A voice from the side of the stage cries "Oh no they ain't!"

Dick : Wha-wha-what's going on?

Onto the stage walks a more than usually angry Cartman. He is dragging a small body behind him which is clothed in a winter parka coat. A meat cleaver is embedded in the hood of the prone lifeless body.

Dick : Oh my God!!!

Swedy : Ooh!!!, der iss mee meaty cleavy

Dick : You Scandinavian ding-dong!! You've killed Kenny!!!

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Comments 2 comments

Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 5 years ago from Scotland Author

Don't worry Twilight, it wasn't a live broadcast :-) They changed the ending.

Thank you for your vote


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Brutal in the extreme... and not even past the watershed. But very entertaining. Voted up, my friend.

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