Child Protective Services
Most know me to be a zealous protector of children, but in my travels in nursing, when I heard of a woman who had decided to name her unborn child "California," I realized, that I was not doing enough. In obstetrics, I work with both Social Workers, and the agency for Child Protective Services (CPS) regularly. The prospect of "Baby Girl California" was the final eye-opener I needed to address this long overlooked form of child abuse. This practice of abusive naming has gone on for too long, and I won't stand for it. Now, CPS has far too much work on their hands as it is to receive additional abuse calls. But all I need is the image of a woman in a visor, asking people what drink they want with their value meal with a name tag that reads 'California' to spearhead this project. She's my motivation.
If you've read my previous hub, Would I Lie to you? (part 3), you already know that if ever I became queen I would form a Breeding Parliament that screens those that wish to breed for at least street drugs and IQ, but right after the Breeding Parliament is formed, the Naming Counsel would immediately follow. The Naming Counsel would enforce strict guidelines for naming offspring. It makes sense to go biblical on this matter, and just do this 10 commandment style, shall we?
Thou Shall Not-
1)...Name your child after an automobile of any sort. Range Rover makes an excellent name for a gang leader, but would also be the quickest way to see a shredder if placed on an application for a job. Now Porshe, Lexus, maybe these are borderline calls, but if this commandment is not in effect, then we could get into danger zones, such as Escalade, Mercedes, maybe even Prius. It scares me, so this commandment stays. Now, don't get me wrong, animals are not included in this commandment. I babysat for a family with a dog named Mercedes. The husband said it was the closest he'd ever come to owning a Mercedes, and she was awesome. I myself, had a crazed german pinscher who was black, and shiny, and fast so I named him Bentley. However, if I birthed a black and shiny kid, who also had the potential to be fast, to me, Bentley's off the table as a human name. Animals don't have to go on interviews, introduce themselves to people, or be members of society. If you intend for your child to live a life of pooping openly amongst strangers in a park, then by all means, choose a car name for the child.
2)...Name your child after a store you frequented while pregnant. It's fine if you shopped a lot at a place like Clark's, or Victoria's Secret, (and you know that Secret isn't a name), but it's just too risky that a mommy shopped a lot at Target, Sears, Best Buy, or even Bloomingdale's. We can't take that chance.
3)...Name your child after his father (or as we call them in Labor and Delivery "The Prospect"), if the father has a horrible name. This is not okay. If one mother got it wrong, you should not repeat the act. Break the cycle. Be strong.
4)...Name your child after anything having to do with their conception. That's weird. Everyone asks how you picked your name for your beloved little heir, and if answering that question involves any mention of you bumping ugly, you will certainly clear the room at parties, and CPS will be notified. Not okay.
5)...Name your child after people or places in the Bible, without first reading the Bible. Picking biblical names is perfectly fine when you stay in safe gospel territory--Matthew, Mark, Luke, etc, but the Bible has some real tongue twisters. Unfortunately, people who open the bible for the first time as a tool for naming their child, might be drawn to the uniqueness of the name, and forget that a human being will have to go to school, where bullies live, with that name. Additionally, with no knowledge on the subject of bible history, a person runs the risk of naming their child after someone diabolical and violent. It would be like naming the child "Hitler," without knowing, because it looked really cute in a history book a person opened for the first time. Vetoed. I am in the process at this very point in time of trying to talk someone out of the name Canaan, because she just LOVES that as a name for a boy.
6)...Name your child after your hobbies, or accomplishments. This is wrong on many different levels, and while I'll admit you're safe with something like 'Art'--without this commandment in place it opens the door to names like, 'Ballet,' 'Treble Clef,' 'Poetess.' Worse yet, there's even the risk of a name that combines both parents' selfish interests with a name like, 'Go-Go Marines." No.
7)...Name your child after any rapper, at any point. These are stage names. Even rappers would not name themselves after rappers, they have actual names. And CPS is on speed dial for this commandment. Let the child be introduced to a life of crime on their own, they don't need to be recruited in the nursery.
8)...Name your child after something you found tasty at the hospital. No. For the twins who were named, Lemonjelo, and Orangelo, (lemon jello, orange jello), I am so deeply sorry that I was not queen at the time you were discharged. I'll never forgive myself, but at least your mommy didn't like the Salisbury Steak and Noodles.
9)...Name your child after equipment or supplies at the hospital. Understand that I do realize it's crunch time once you're in the hospital having your baby. However, the equipment can not help that it has a brand name, and these are not suggestions for naming humans. I've wanted breast milk tested for brain cells since I started working in this industry, because that has to be where maternal thinking power is leaking from. I want to get to the bottom of why thinking stops when pushing stops. There has to be something to this.
10)...Last but certainly not least, in honor of my inspiration, thou shall not name thy child after a state. I realize that some of the states would work perfectly fine as names, Carolina for instance, perfectly fine. But to protect children, we have to set simple and concrete rules to avoid a classroom where Nevada can not sit next to California because they talk too much.
This is not a commandment but a general rule, if you manage to find a decent name-Ryan for instance, you can not ruin it by spelling it Rhyannj (silent J); this is child abuse. Unfortunately, in obstetrics, I've seen each and every one of these commandments broken, and with California in my heart, I'm more motivated then ever to fight for children. I entreat all those who know the pregnant to do their part, and find a way to let them know, that the day might just come where there will be a Counsel that will not allow children to be named irresponsibly.