Chris Lincoln's Lemon County VS My Town

These are all real pictures of my town

Waterfall down by the bridge.
Waterfall down by the bridge. | Source
Liquor store.
Liquor store.
A sculpture done for our liquor store, who's motto is "Liquor Good".
A sculpture done for our liquor store, who's motto is "Liquor Good".
This used to be our laundry-mat
This used to be our laundry-mat
Maxine's Market. She's been in business for almost 30 years, and she does close at 4 on Sundays.
Maxine's Market. She's been in business for almost 30 years, and she does close at 4 on Sundays. | Source
Carmen's gas and mini mart. They sell the BEST pizza here... and they also close at 4 on Sundays.
Carmen's gas and mini mart. They sell the BEST pizza here... and they also close at 4 on Sundays. | Source
One of several churches here in my town.
One of several churches here in my town. | Source
This isn't really Billy Bob,but this is kind of what he looks like riding around with all those cans. Except, he uses plastic bags, not luggage and he wouldn't be caught dead in a helmet.
This isn't really Billy Bob,but this is kind of what he looks like riding around with all those cans. Except, he uses plastic bags, not luggage and he wouldn't be caught dead in a helmet. | Source
If only we could have figured out how to get authorized, maybe our kids could have gone to a private school.
If only we could have figured out how to get authorized, maybe our kids could have gone to a private school. | Source
I couldn't find a picture of Bobby Rae and Billy Rae working on their car, but this should give you an idea.
I couldn't find a picture of Bobby Rae and Billy Rae working on their car, but this should give you an idea. | Source
Video Store
Video Store

I was a-readin’ on the hub pages, and I come across this here hub called “Lemon County, a wry look at our laughable lives..” by Chris Lincoln (link right here--- (http://hubpages.com/hub/Suburban-living-Lemon-County-a-wry-look-at-our-laughable-lives)

It were a perty good hub, and it got me ter thinking. I’m frum a place a lot like that there lemony place, and my place is perty greet too. So I sits myself reet down and says, “Self, why dontcha write yer own hub ‘bout yer own place.” So I did. Heer it is.

First off, we’re a perty town with them there hills and stuff just like Chris Lincoln’s place. We may not be God’s place, but I’m perty sure He takes a vacation heer from time ter time.

I don’t rightly know what a “cosmetically impaired” house is, but we sure as shootin’ got them there bars same as Chris. Well, OK, it ain't rightly a bar, it's a liquor store, but we buy our beer and hang out there. They sell Bud Light, and Milwalkee’s Best. And see, that there’s funny, ‘cause we all a knowd that Milwalkee sucks, so it’s too bad they done said they brewed their best. We get a right good chuckle outta that.

Now we don’t got none of them fashion po lece the way Lemon county folks do. I s’pose we don’t need ‘em. We wear the latest styles from the Salvation Army. We knows people won’t be a givin’ junk to Salvation Army. Why I got the best legwarmers ever; I bought ‘em there last month, and my brother, he got hisself this real nice lookin’ bomber jacket. Yessir, we don’t be needin’ no fashion po lece!

Now we do got them regular po lece. Them guys is right nice so I guess we cain’t rightly laugh at ‘em. I’d like ta, but they get my cat outta my tree once every week or so, so I won’t. Them theres some hard workin’ fellas.

Now we got us a downtown too, don’t a be thinking we don’t. We don’t got no fancy mall thingy, but we got us a gas station that makes pizzas and a grocery store that’ll sell yer old stuff out on theer sidewalk. Most a the stuff out on thet sidewalk is soggy due to it rainin’ on it fer it gets sold; but sometimes we buy it anyway ta make people feel better.

The only bad thing is on Sundays ya gotta buy yer pizza, gas, and soggy sidewalk stuff afore four, cause they gonna close early on ya (four o’clock) on that there Sunday day. I think that’s funny ‘cause aint no one goes to church after four, so I’ain't rightly sure why they close that early. They mostly stay open ‘till 8 ceptin’ on Sunday like I jest said. I won’t be lyin’ ta ya. In my town, we like that there thing called “thee night life”. Jest don’t wantcha ter be surpirzed if ‘n ya come visit.

That brings me ta churches. Lemon county’s got two, well HA HA Chris Lincoln, my town’s got 14. ‘Course, I ain't sure how many people live in yer town, so it ain't fair to compare. We got us almost a thousan’ people. You can see why we’d be needin’ a bunch of churches. That’s a lot a people to fit inta one Bingo hall!

We all be conservatatin’ people in my town too. We knowd what that was a long time ago. We save all our bottles and cans (and there’s a lot from hangin' out around that theer liquor store) and we let Billy Bob put ‘em in his bye-cycle basket and ride ‘em around our town. That’s called re-cyclin’, and we’re perty dern good at it.

A lot of us thought about puttin’ our kids in those fancy private schools too. We just never could figure out how to get past those “no tresspassin’ “ signs. Guess it weren’t meant ta be. Most a us just homeschool. We be pretty good at readin’ and ritin’ and stuff. Besides, my mamma always said, “Anything ya cain’t learn by milking a cow ain’t worth learnin’”

I hate ter admit it, but there’s a couple a uppity people in my town, too. I don’t wanna be namin’ names, but Betsy Matison, and Wilbur Humphry are two a them. Matter a fact, they think ‘cause they own the only two double wides in the park that makes ‘em better’n us. They even made sum rules we’re s’pose ta follow. They said somethin’ ‘bout us not doin’ that obstructin’ thing with the views too.

So, now we cain’t have more than 2 cars up on blocks at a time, and if a one of us is out there workin’ on a car, we hafta have a perty girl out there with us. (That was the “view” part). They said they’d rather she weren’t related, but if she was, she was.

They also said we cain’t be a shootin’ at other people’s cats. Now that’s downright funny. Everybody knowd we only shoot at our own cats.

Unlike Lemon County, most a the people in my town were born and raised here. Don’t know why, but is seems like we just don’t ever leave. It's proly 'cause it's a greet town, jest like yer town, Chris. Now that I write all this here stuff down, I can see that Chris’s town, and my town is very much the same. Why I bet if we had a Bar-B-Que and Pig Pullin’ them there Lemon county type people'd come right down and visit. I suppose it would be OK, long as they didn’t shoot any a our cats while they was here.


Author's note: The most difficult thing about writing this piece was making sure I didn't use proper grammar or good spelling too often. The funniest thing was that my grammar check seemed to think most of my grammar was perfect. Take note, kids.

Comments 10 comments

ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

It's like a mirror image, except not.

Looks like my place is a tad bigger. No one knows the name of everyone in Lemon County due to: a) there being a couple of million, and b) rudeness.

I dare not comment any more as I will inadvertently insult giant swathes of people, and I may need to move out of the county once I've pointed out that the emperor has no Armani...

Fun hub. Thanks for the link, stay classy...

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Thank you for noticing my class.

I'm fairly certain my classiness was obvious by my reference to Milwaukee's Best. Anyone who's anyone knows Bud Light is better than Milwaukee's Best Crap. I am, of course, of the genteel class that knows her beer. None of that Blue Moon or Samuel Adams junk, either. That's for the pseudo classy.

What am I thinking, you're English, of COURSE you know all this!

Armani? Is that some kind of road kill?


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

It's what one wears my dear...

except I don't.

I'm still in shock that beer is sold semi-frozen and totally dead in the US.

Oh, and while I'm at it (ranting that is...), stop offering me lemons to go with my tea. Milk. Sugar. Done, capice...

And, umm, where is the Starbucks in your town? I have ten within a three mile radius, and I still get withdrawls...

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris, I'm glad you don't wear road kill, I'm a little concerned for those people in your town who do.

You have beer that's alive in England? No wonder y'all wear road kill.

I'm with you on the lemons, but you DO live in LEMON county, so you should sort of expect that.

And, while I've heard of Starbucks, I've never had the pleasure. (sorry to hear about your withdrawls) We do have a cool machine at the gas station, though, where you can mix your coffee and get a Fat Free French Vanilla, A French Vanilla and an English Toffee cappuccino all in one cup!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

I'm thinking of responding with a competition for my pampered Lemon County readers, they have to read your hub, but as soon as they think, or say "HIck" they have to stop and take a drink of Stan's pickle juice.

Lemon County is 100% irony. Everything is named for stuff that isn't there. There are no lemons or fruit of any kind (except in supermarkets and your martini of course)

Vista del Mar - irony

Lake Forest - no lake, no forest

Laguna Beach - no lagoon, nice bit of beach though

Anaheim - Ana left years ago

Oceanside - well, a tiny bit, but it streches about a hundred miles inland,

In Mission Viejo there is no Mission, old or otherwise, but there is a street of the dead donkey "Avenida Del Burro Muerte".

The Lemon County housewives are thinking of giving your little town a make-over, but wonder if they need shots before they send their designers over?

They are thinking "italian Riviera" theme...

C


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Poor Lemon County housewives, so naive'. Do they really think if they sent some namby pamby designers over here with their "oh girl-friend, you so got it goin' on" lingo that these guys would need shots?

Naw. They'd get plenty of shots from the guys aimin' at their cats. Namby Pamby designers from California would be WAY more fun to shoot at than cats.

(I like the irony of your themes. Nice.)


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Ummm,

Does anyone besides us read these things?

Here we are being all witty and stuff and no applause...

Somebody must want to play with us, surely?

Oh, Shirley went home. OK.

Chris

Good job I'm not wierd or anything.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

No, you're just English. That kind of says it all.

~crickets chirping~

~microphone feedback~

~slinks away~


Tammy L profile image

Tammy L 5 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

If Milwaukee's Best is indeed their best, I'd hate to be in the same room with their worst. If y'all wanna talk about hick towns, we got this place called Fort Worth. They got this real big honky tonk with indoors rodeo and live bull ridin' right thar inside the building.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Tammy- Fort Worth is where I want to go and live forever! Yee Haaa!

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