Greatest Heist Movies : Re-Heat, the Sequel

Photo by 'The U.S. Army' @ Flickr Creative Commons
Photo by 'The U.S. Army' @ Flickr Creative Commons

GREATEST HEIST MOVIES:

Re-Heat, The Sequel

*Spoiler alert : Contains plot details and lunacy. Not considered suitable for vegetarians.

The long-awaited sequel to Michael Mann's celebrated thriller 'Heat' was less well received than its predecessor when it was released in 2009.

Nevertheless it has rapidly become a cult classic amongst idiots and intellectuals alike but especially for those in the American food industry.

The second film, entitled 'Re-Heat', centred around a ruthless gang of marauding thieves who break into supermarkets and catering suppliers stealing oven-ready food and microwave meals to sell on the lucrative black market.

They are led by the psychopathic, but highly professional, gangster Whey Powder (played by Harry Goldman of course) on a series of daring raids. Their leitmotif is a fastidious attention to detail combined with speed of action and lots of shouting.

The FBI and LAPD join forces

The Special Soundbite Department dub them the 'Takeout Boys' as a headline grabber imbued with resonance and a suitably dramatic tone.

The team are led primarily by Agent Hambone of the FBI (Fresh Beef Inspectorate) in conjunction with Lieutenant Gizzard of the LAPD (Livestock and Poultry Department). Together they are assigned the unenviable task of ending this spate of robberies and calming the panic of fast food outlets across California.

A mis-matched and unlikely duo, Hambone (played by Lemmy T. Jones) is the hard-bitten, cynical veteran of countless missions and Gizzard (played by Colly MacCaulkin), the cocky self-assured rising star of the Los Angeles Food Protection Agency and always ready with a wisecrack at the worst possible moments.

Together they try to track down the thieves using modern forensic and tracking techniques allied with a pack of ravenous bloodhounds desperate for a bite to eat.

The Captain gives a deadline

The Official CTBTO Photostream @ Flickr
The Official CTBTO Photostream @ Flickr

Captain's deadline

Here is a scene where Gizzard has been called into his Captain's office at Headquarters.

Captain Scharnhorst is played by veteran Hollywood actor and Broadway drag-queen Roger Spoon;

"Take a seat Gizzard" says Captain Scharnhorst

"Thank you sir" replies the lieutenant

"Now we need to crack this case" explains Scharnhorst "I'm getting a lotta flak from above about this"

"Yes sir!"

"So! Do you think you could sew things up by the end of the month?"

"Erm...... eh........ sorry sir?"

"I said can you sort this........"

"Sorry sir, I heard what you said"

"Well what's the matter?"

"It's....em.... I thought you'd want the case closed a lot sooner than that"

"If you could that would be swell" said the Captain, "But we don't wanna rush things"

"Yeah! but usually we only get 48 hours to sort out a crisis like this"

"Really? Do you think you could do it in 48 hours?"

"I reckon we got a good shot sir"

"Does that include your time off?"

"Erm... excuse me sir?"

"I mean, is that 48 working hours not including your free time?"

"Well! No sir, it usually means straight through more or less"

"Mmmm!" ponders Scharnhorst, "No! I don't like the sound of that, the health and safety chief would hit the roof"

"I see" says Gizzard,

"Yeah! And the union wouldn't be too happy either"

"I don't mind sir, I can work......"

"No! No! Gizzard" interrupts the Captain, "I would be happier if the 48 hours was spread over your normal shift pattern"

"If you think so sir"

"Absolutely" continues Scharnhorst, "So what do we say then, could you seal the deal by the end of the week"

"I think we could sir"

"Good man" beams a satisfied Scharnhorst, "It means I can see the wife at the weekend"

"That would be good sir"

"Yeah! And anyway, I can't guarantee you'll get the SWAT team Saturday for any snatch operation"

"I see sir" says Gizzard, "So! Friday it is then sir"

"OK!" agrees Scharnhorst "But if you need to work late that night I'll turn a blind eye"

"Thank you very much sir"

"No problem" said the Captain, "Now! go get the motherlovers!"

The Captain was new to the department having worked in a rural community in Oklahoma. He was proud of his Germanic heritage and couldn't understand all the fuss over cheap processed meat in plastic packaging.

"Why can't people enjoy a nice tasty carvery with potatoes and vegetables" he thought to himself "or a grilled fish sprinkled with aromatic herbs and flavoured with lemon juice". Sometimes he really hated the job. But it was a job he had to do.

The Fanez Bros Steak House

mrkumm @ Flickr
mrkumm @ Flickr

Stakeout

Luckily the team receive a tip-off from a usually unreliable source in the food processing industry.

Consequently they hold a stakeout at the 'Steak-Inn' in Westlake run by a pair of illegal immigrants the Fanez brothers.

They plead their innocence but all to no avail as the FBI planted evidence anyway just in case.

The brothers, however, are granted immunity from deportation in return for their co-operation in the operation. In a rare stroke of fortune for the resolute officers Powder made a crucial mistake by trying to lie-low in the Boyle Heights area of Los Angeles.

With his pale, freckled skin and distinctive mane of pony-tailed ginger hair he stood out in a predominantly Hispanic neighbourhood. He was easily spotted and tailed and the officers hoped he would head straight into their ambush.

Kitchen Nightmares USA

Co-incidentally there is a film crew on site filming an episode of 'Kitchen Nightmares USA' starring famous Scottish chef and TV celebrity Gordon Ramsay, played by himself.

A psychopathic but highly professional culinary genius, he is there to turn around the fortunes of the ailing business.

Hambone and Gizzard consider this a wonderful opportunty for maximum publicity and possible fringe benefits from potential advertising endorsements and the public speaking circuit.

A high profile case indeed.

At the stakeout Hambone and Gizzard wait nervously but with anticipation. Nearby in the long grass behind the eatery the SWAT team lie in wait under the command of Captain Greenday who is slightly agitated tonight.

At the weekend the team male-voice choir are competing in the semi-finals of the annual Californian Police Choral Championships. Rehearsals the previous evening had not gone well and he feared that they would not perform to their best this Saturday. It was a crunch match with the San Diego Fraud Squad.

The SWAT team move in

Rob! @ Flickr
Rob! @ Flickr

Action stations

As hoped the gang turned up with a fresh consignment of beef cutlets, chicken nuggets and 'boil-in-the-bag' rice.

After a careful look around and a whispered exchange, money eventually changed hands between Whey Powder and the sous chef.

This was the the moment that Hambone had been waiting for and on hearing his command through the radio the SWAT team immediately spring into action.

"Freeze!!" screamed the point team in unison much to the satisfaction of Greenday. Their vocal harmonising was pitch-perfect and voiced with verve and gusto. It seemed that the excitement and the rush of danger brought out the best in his men.

However, back in the heat of the kitchen, chaos was erupting and the air was blue with extreme epithets;

"Just what the f*** is going on?" screams Ramsay as the troops swarm all over the scene.

"Get out of my f***in kitchen, you f***in b*****ds, this is a f***in food preparation area!"

His language was truly terrifying and shocked even Sergeant Pitchfork who had over 20 years experience on the force including school patrol. The lead tenor fainted with fright and had to be carried away on a dessert trolley.

Ramsay then launched a frenzied attack with an egg whisk and a filleting utensil.

However he was restrained and pinned down face-first in a bowl of caesar salad mixed with fresh anchovy and mustard mayonnaise.

After being handcuffed along with the rest of the gang, he protests;

"This f***in salad has too much f***in seasoning in it. Who made this f***in crap?" he roared

"I'll have their arse on a f***in platter for this!!!" he continued as he was led away by Lieutenant Gizzard to the armoured wagon outside.

Ramsay was later released without charge after a light supper of poached eggs and boiled potatoes with asparagus in a garlic and lemon sauce. The chief of the local police station was a big fan and a keen amateur cook himself, although he did caution the chef about his improper language.

But the 'Takeout Boys' reign of terror was over at last. No longer would they prey on the catering establishments of Los Angeles.

Agent Hambone at the chaotic press conference

LGEPR @ Flickr
LGEPR @ Flickr

Case closed

In this scene we see the post-operation press conference held by an exultant Agent Hambone;

"Yes ladies and gentlemen this has been a momentous week for the Los Angeles Food Protection Agency and all the law-enforcement officers associated with this investigation." he introduces,

"Would you say that this has been your most prestigious arrest Agent Hambone" asks a reporter from the LA Times,

"Well that's hard to say" explains the FBI man, "It certainly more than makes up for our failure to catch the 'Surreptitious Gang' last year"

"Who are they?"

"Exactly!"

"But can you give us assurances that the business of processed food is now free of this type of menace?" asks the Catering Correspondent of the Oakland Tribune,

"We can never rest on our laurels of course " says Hambone "But we feel confident that this has struck a blow against organised crime and we hope that families across the state can enjoy fast food and quality TV dinners safe in the knowledge that we are winning the battle"

"One last question" asks the Catering Correspondent,

"Yes"

"Burger King or McDonalds?"

"Eh?"

"C'mon! Quick! What do you prefer?"

"I...I....I don't think that's really relevant...."

"Ah! C'mon! Whatdyasay Agent Hambone? Pepsi or Coke?" chimed a lady from the San Francisco Chronicle

"Yeah! What do you like to eat of an evening, your public wants to know" yelled CNN,

"Well if you must know I'm quite partial to a nice Beouf Bourguignon flavoured with a Pinot Noir sauce"

"What?"

"Get outa here!"

"Have you been talking to Mr Ramsay here" enquired the LA Times,

"F***in right he has, get some f***in decent food down his f***in neck for f***'s sake!"

A hushed silence descended upon the room until a lone voice spoke. It was the NBC cameraman speaking to his roving reporter,

"Can we use any of that?"

"Nah, doubt it" is the reply, "But maybe we can sell it to HBO"

____________________________________________________


Photo by wfyurasko @ Flickr Creative Commons
Photo by wfyurasko @ Flickr Creative Commons

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Comments 2 comments

Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 6 years ago from Scotland Author

Sorry for the deception cosette :-)

I'm happy you stuck with it.

All the best


cosette 6 years ago

haha!! :D at first i was all 'a sequel, really?' and then realized what was going on. what a creative and unique idea for a hub. hee hee i LOVE the Gordon Ramsay skirmish! you nailed him. thanks for the laughs! :)

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