"Convict 762" Movie Review

Starring Frank Zagarino, Shannon Sturges, Michole White, and Tawny Fere

I was kind of excited to see this movie, because the second word on the back of the cover is "sexy." More deceptive packaging -- not only are the actors completely devoid of sexiness; no one takes off their clothes until the very end, and even that scene’s not very sexy. Kind of icky, to tell you the truth.

The movie begins promisingly enough; a space ship full of cuties crash-lands on a prison planet. Unfortunately, these chicks make the Spice Girls look like characters in a Dostoevsky novel. They’re beyond cardboard; they don’t even bother to identify themselves as "the tough girl" or "the smart girl," which is what I’ve come to expect from these movies.

They’re completely devoid of personality, except for the captain, who distinguishes herself by being completely devoid of emotion, too. I was waiting for them to reveal that they’re actually androids, but it didn’t happen. I think they exist in a shared universe with Oliver Gruner’s character from "Mars." It’s entirely possible they’re travelling the universe to sow those giant pods from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." 15 points subtracted for not even trying.

As a side note, you may recognize the skillet-faced blonde from her role as "the wacky friend" from Dharma and Greg. Too bad they didn’t pick the guy who plays Greg instead; he’s yummy!

So anyway, the girls crash land on the prison planet, which has exactly two inhabitants. Everyone else has been massacred by Convict 762, who’s apparently pretty bad news. The other guy is the single remaining prison guard. Except both guys CLAIM to be the prison guard, so it’s kind of like that Star Trek episode where everyone’s standing around trying to decide which is the good Kirk and which is the bad Kirk. Except the guys don’t bother trying to prove their identity; they basically say "I’m the prison guard," then sit back and wait to see what happens. 5 points subtracted for a stupid premise. 5 more points subtracted for poor execution.

And the funny thing is, neither of these guys exactly looks capable of killing an entire planet of people. I’ve seen more menacing characters on the Jerry Springer show. For one thing, apparently the inmates spent a lot of time amusing themselves with the Bedazzler they ordered from an infomercial, because both of the guys are wearing these ridiculous outfits covered in pyramidal metal studs. You know the ones high school rockers use to spell out the Metallica logo on the backs of their denim jackets? For crying out loud. 5 more points subtracted for bad wardrobe.

Now, when you mix this identity-swapping in with five main characters who are distinguishable only by their hair style, you’ve got big trouble, my friend. All you can do is squirm through the entire movie hoping -- praying -- that someone forgot to bleed the pipes, and the boiler was going to blow sky-high like in "The Shining."

There is one thing I DID like about the movie, and that’s the soundtrack. Or at least the first half of the soundrack. You know that awful, bad-sci-fi-movie music? Well, for the first half of the movie, the music’s actually not that bad. They took a chance and used this kinda hip, kinda catchy rave music. You know, the music that’s always playing during club scenes with spotlights all over the place, where the women wear silver mylar miniskirts and the men wear black fishnet shirts. I thought this was pretty innovative of them, until I realized they’d STOLEN the music from one of my favorite television shows, The Pretender. Still, I’ll give them 5 points for it.

But then, and I’m not really sure when this happened because I wasn’t really paying attention, but about halfway through the movie, they start playing the bad-sci-fi-movie music! Auugh! 17 points subtracted.

Final score: 13 points.

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