Critic's Corer: Rules to Survive a Horror Film
Narration: Steven has finally gotten home from a hard day's work, and goes to his computer to type up his latest review. Tired from a long day, as he drags himself to his PC.
He immediately starts to talk himself again because...he's weird like that.
Steven: Looks like it's going to be another boring a** day in paradise. Whoopty freaking do!
Narration: As he's typing, he finds a strange box left on his desk that isn't addressed to anyone. He opens the box, and inside it contains a weird doll that eerily looks like this!....
Steven: What the hell is this? I didn't order any doll, and the who would send me this?
Narration: Steven puts the doll down on his bed, as he continues to type up his review of the new "Annabelle" movie.
As Steven types, the lights start to flash. He looks around in panic, as he wonders what's going on.
Steven: What the f*** is going on?
Narration: Steven slowly turns around and sees this eerily creepy demon standing behind him. Steven becomes scared s***less, and starts to let out a loud girlish scream.
Demon: Your a** is mine!!!!!
Narration: Steven pulls out a colt 45 magnum out of his pocket and starts shooting the demon in the face. After he falls down, Steven keeps shooting him all over his body.
Steven: Die f***er! Die!
Narration: Steven breaths heavily after shooting the demon, and then sees a creepy little girl standing from a distance.
Steven: Oh hey little girl..what are you doing here...(he stops and thinks)...wait a minute. I've seen way too many horror films to know how this plays out.
Narration: Steven holds up a gun to shoot the girl, but the girl tackles him before he gets the chance. The girl starts choking him, while emitting these eerily creepy demonic eyes.
Creepy Little Girl: I'm going to rip your f***king balls off! Rawr!!!
Narration: Steven does another girlish scream, as he wakes up frantically. Breathing heavily. Trying to catch his breath, as he tells himself it was all just a dream.
Steven: Wow, I guess it was just a bad dream.
Narration: Steven looks over to the night stand on the right side of his bed, and sees the creepy Annabelle doll siting there looking at him while he sleeps. Steven lets out another girlish scream.
Narration: The end?.....
If you want a general idea how I was screaming in this parody, then please watch the following video
Introduction into Steven's elaborate rules to survive a horror flick
Hello ladies and gentlemen. Now, I'm sure most horror fans out there have seen Wes Craven's infamous "Scream" movie, or at least heard of it. However, it's interesting to note the film only goes over how to survive a slasher horror film, but it never goes into the other genres. Therefore, I've taken it upon myself to write up my rules to help you guys survive a horror flick. Please enjoy.
Rules to survive a creepy possessed doll horror flick
1. Don't buy any old antique dolls that look scary as hell. If the doll looks freaky, then you know that's not a good sign.
2. If the doll comes to life and tries to kill you, then throw that f**ker in the fireplace and burn it. Get a baseball bat or something and beat the ever loving crap out of it. Hell, shoot the damn doll to pieces if you have to. Put it through a wood chipper and destroy the damn thing.
Seriously, you have a height advantage over any freaking doll, so you can literally kick it's a** if you wanted to. Just pick up a weapon, and go to town on the damn thing. Don't stop until that doll is destroyed.
3. If the doll is merely trying to kill you because it's possessed by some demon, then call the exorcist or something before that thing haunts you.
4. Don't even buy old dolls at all. Just stick to the cheap generic over produced barbies or something, and you should be fine.
5. If all else fails and that doll wants a human sacrifice before leaving you alone, then offer them a soul of someone you hate. Sure, you might go to jail, but would you rather be haunted by a creepy possessed doll for the rest of your years? At least if you sacrifice someone you hate, then you can always plead temporary insanity.
Just tell the judge you were killing someone because a creepy possessed doll made you do it. That'll get you the insanity plea for sure.
Nostalgia Critic's own trouble with a creepy possessed Teddy Ruxbin toy... (Contains Violence, Disturbing images that could frighten kids, and adult language)
How to survive a Vampire movie
1. Always wear a necklace made of garlic at all times. According to some films, it seems vampires don't like the smell of it.
2. Always sleep with a holy cross over your bed.
3. Never invite anyone in that you never met before, as vampires can only enter your home if you invite them in. If you invite them once, then you're f**ked.
4. It's a well known fact that vampires can't stand the sunlight, but you can. Therefore, use this extra time to hunt those vampires during the day. Find out where they live, and then kill them in their proverbial sleep. If they happen to have werewolves guarding them throughout the day, then shoot them with silver bullets.
And when you go in close enough, you should stab the vampire in the chest with a wooden stake. Or if you have a knife made out silver, then use it on him. Hell, use the gun you have loaded with silver bullets to shoot him too while you're at it. Any silver based weapon will kill a vampire.
5. Wait until the sun rises, and then burn down the vampires home while he's in it. Although vampires have a rapid healing factor (ala Wolverine style), but they can die from burning to death if they're stuck in the fire for too long. As long as they don't have any secret underground escape tunnels throughout the house, then you should be safe burning down his home with him in it. Besides, it's not like he could escape because he can't stand the sun, so he's basically f**ked if you burn down his house with him in it during the day.
6. Chop off the vampire's head. This one is self explanatory. Although it's been said that vampires have very strong neck muscles, you can still chop off it's head with any sharp weapons made from silver if you wanted to.
7. If all else fails, then give up. Like the old saying goes, "If you can't beat them, then join them." Just plead with the vampire and beg him to make you one of his kind. If he's merciful enough, then you'll become a fierce bloodsucker of the night. Being a vampire isn't so bad, when you think about it. You get to be immortal, while maintaining eternal youth. You have superhuman abilities.
Granted, you'll have to watch all your loved ones grow old and die, and you'll never be able to go out during the day again. However, you'll have the whole night for yourself. And with society being what it is today, there's still quite a few cities that are lively during the night, so it's not like you'd have to worry about having a lack of social life or anything.
Of course, if the vampire doesn't take pity on you and decides kill you instead, then you're dead.
Dracula: Dead and Loving It- Wrong my brains out! (Contains sexual innuendos and suggestive adult themes)
How to survive a zombie outbreak movie
1. Ideally speaking. If you know when the zombie outbreak is going to happen in advance, then you need to locate a secure place to hide for the rest of your years. Ideally, you'd want a place that's fortified on all sides like a fortress. Or better yet, if you can get a hold of a submarine to live in, then that could easily work to. Or, you can easily create and underground base that's fortified.
Once you secure living environment, then you'll need to make sure you have lots of supplies which include:
a) Weapons- Guns, knives, and any other object that you can find that can easily be used to defend yourself with.
Ideally, you want to ration out your food, so it limits the amount of times you have to leave your hideout. Or if you can secure a place within a fortress, then you could create a small garden inside the fortress walls. Grow your own food, in addition to the supplies you had going into the zombie apocalypse.
If you have your hideout deep underground, then you might want to look into options about possibly creating a green house in there if it's possible. If you can create a green house that's sufficient to grow fruits and vegetables, then that should help you survive in your hideout, as long as the zombies can't get to your hideout deep underground.
If you have a hideout in a submarine, then that might be a bit tricky. However, in most zombie outbreak films, it usually happens because of some disease. Assuming your immune and the underwater life is too, then you can always take up fishing. In addition to your supplies that you might have on your ship, you can bring a lot of solid fishing equipment to hunt your own food. This will be essential, as it'll give you less reasons to go back on land to take on any unnecessary encounters with zombies. After all, you don't want to waste any of your ammunition if you don't have to.
In any hideout scenario, the best thing you can do is ration out your food. Try not to eat too much. The more food you can conserve for the long term will go a long way towards your survival.
2. If you can find a hideout, then you have to secure the outside. Set up booby traps. Set up bombs, minefields, and bear traps all around your hideout gates. Make your place an impenetrable fortress. Don't ever open your doors unless you absolutely have to. Also, make sure you have an escape plan. If the zombies ever figure out how to break into your fortress, then you'll need a backup plan to save your own skin.
3. If your friend/lover/family member gets bitten by one of those things, then you might as well shoot them in the head right then and there. Trust me, they're going to turn into zombies eventually once they've been bit, so why put off the inevitable? Sure, it's hard, but would you rather watch them live the rest of their lives as a zombie?
4. If your not lucky enough to secure a fortress before the zombie outbreak, then your best motive is to keep moving. Make sure your armed to the teeth with guns, and various other weapons to defend yourself. Secure a vehicle, along with some rations, and keep on moving. Keep moving until you can find a safe place to hide. And even if you can't, then you have to keep on the move. In some movies, zombies have been known to pick up on the scent of human flesh, so you never want to stay in the same place for too long.
5. Safety in numbers. If you can find other survivors of the zombie outbreak that you can trust, then that can only help you more. One of the major advantages of having an ally is that they can watch your back. You all can take turns sleeping, so the party can always be protected. However, if your ally turns out to be some crazy paranoid d*** that you think could jeopardize your own safety, then shoot them in the head and leave them. Yes, I know it's cruel, but it's better them then you. If you know someone is only going to slow you down and get you killed, then you're better off without them. Think of it this way. If they get in your way enough to get you both killed by zombies, then your both f***ked. However, if you can kill them first before that happens, then only one person had to die.
As Spock would say, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
6. Don't hesitate. If push comes to shove, then shoot and kill any zombies that tries to attack you.
Shaun of the Dead: Don't Stop Me Now (Contains Adult Language, Violence, and images of blood)
How to survive a horror film that involves the paranormal
1. If you find a house that has some sort of history of people dying in it, or it looks creepy, then don't go into it. Let alone bother moving into it.
2. If you find an old beat up old house in the middle of nowhere, then please stay away from it. You don't want that kind of trouble.
3. The first instance of paranormal activity, then move the f*** out. Even if you have to sell the house for a loss, it'll be worth it if you can get the hell out of dodge.
4. Never play ouija. You'll only risk pissing off whatever evil entities are out there.
5. Don't put a mirror inside your room. It's been shown in many horror films that demons and ghosts love using mirrors to f**k with their victims, and the last thing you want is to give them easy access to you while you sleep.
6. If a friend/family member/lover/etc gets possessed by some demonic entity, then just shoot them in the head. In most horror films, the person that performs the exorcism usually ends up getting possessed themselves. Therefore, you're screwed either way, so you might as well cut your losses and shoot them.
7. Don't set up cameras all over your house/apartment to spot paranormal activity, as you'll only make the demon/ghost mad if you do that.
8. If you hear weird noises that sound like a monster broke into your house, then don't be a hero. Call 911, and let the cops deal with that crap. Afterwards, I highly suggest you and your loved ones get the hell out of there immediately. Don't investigate any weird noises, and always carry weapons on you to defend yourself.
9. If you suspect some weird and creepy s*** coming from one of your neighbors. Again, don't try to be the hero. Just call the cops, and let them deal it.
Library scene in "Ghostbusters"
Miscellaneous horror film rules that you need to know that I didn't cover yet
1. If you ever encounter the wolf man, then shoot him in the head with a silver bullet if you have one. Or if you happen to have a silver blade on you, then stab that f**ker until he's dead.
2. If you see a witch, then shoot her in the face, or kick the ever loving crap out of her before she can even quote on freaking word. If she's at a good distance from you, then run. Don't be a hero. Just run.
3. Regardless of what horror flick you're in you always need to come packing with weapons.
4. Don't ever say you'll be right back because that's the kiss of death.
5. Don't have sex because virgins are prone to survive horror flicks.
6. Never f*** with the killer. (i.e. don't do anything to provoke him/her)
7. If you encounter Freddy Crougar, then grab onto him immediately as you wake up. Once you're in the human world, then kill his a** before he even has time to fathom what the hell is going on.
8. If some guy claims to be a demon and/or devil that wants to make a deal with you, then you always say "no."
9. If you're in a slasher horror flick where your dealing with mortal psychos, then you need to come packing. Find a good place to hide, and then get the hell out of town before they find you. If that doesn't work, then kill them before they can kill you.
Black TV scene in "Scary Movie" (Contains Adult Language)
Horror Rules Poll
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Anyway, that's all my rules for surviving a horror movie. If you can think of anymore, then I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below. Please keep in mind that this entire hub piece was written in jest, so I hope none of you were taking this article seriously.
As for the parody at the beginning of this hub, it's entirely fictional. Any similarities to any actual events, persons (living or non living), demons, real possessed dolls, incidences, and etc is purely coincidental. No actual dolls, little girls or me was harmed during the making of this hub. Plus, it was written to be a joke, so I wouldn't take it seriously.
Anyway, I hope you all have a safe and happy Halloween. Goodnight everybody!
Michael Jackson's Thriller video
© 2014 Steven Escareno
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