Daily Weird #16 (I'm not shy, my bladder is)

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Man Fired for Having a Shy Bladder

I’m shy, (she says quietly).

We’ve all heard people who claim to be shy. Usually they claim it in a very, very soft voice. What most of us have never heard is a bladder claiming to be shy. Even in a very, very soft voice.

According to Ron Koonter, not only does he have a shy bladder, but this very shy bladder was also the cause of his firing. The random drug test the Michigan Department of Transportation imposed on the spur-of-the-moment put too much pressure on his bladder to perform. Koonter’s bladder choked, and did not complete the function necessary to pass said drug test.

The Department of Transportation did not care that his bladder was shy. They fired poor Mr. Koonter. Mr. Koonter then paid for two subsequent drug tests, giving his bladder advanced notice, and a pep talk, and passed both of them. The Department of Transportation still did not care.

Mr. Koonter brought a doctors note stating that his bladder was shy. No dice. It seems as though when you work for the Department of Transportation in Michigan, all of you has to be outgoing, especially during random drug test time, or you will no longer work for the Department of Transportation in Michigan, doctor’s note, or no doctor’s note.

Mr. Koonter is now in arbitration to try and get his job back. In the meantime, we recommend http://www.shybladder.org/ . This is a site that helps you take your bladder slowly into situations where it is difficult to function, say, the neighbor’s house, when the bathroom is right next to the kitchen and there’s no vent for background noise. Also there are support groups where your bladder can stand up and be counted. Just because your bladder is shy doesn’t mean it doesn't matter.

I can hear the healing begin even as I type, “I’m Mr. Koonter’s bladder, and I’m shy.” “Hi Mr. Koonter’s bladder!”….

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Comments 33 comments

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

Wouldn't it be great if his employer developed an overly out going bladder, emphasis on the "outgoing" ?


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

Oh, how much fun could you have playing with adjectives here!?

My bladder is outgoing

My bladder is unrepentant

My bladder is stymied

My bladder is...

You get the picture:)

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Pop- I love it! Yes, as outgoing as humanly possible would be nice!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- I love the way your twisted English mind works. Shall we continue...

My bladder is nonsensical

My bladder is a softy

My bladder is jaundiced

This is fun!

Maybe we should throw a few of your and Stan's words in here as well. I would do it, but I'm terrible at spelling non-words.


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

What this shy bladder needs is assertive behavior training. Send it stat to my hub: "Assertive Training Course." :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Drbj- I sent the little guy right away. Turns out he's shy AND aggressive at the same time. He walked out halfway through your course.

I, however, stayed... it was a great course! The shy bladder does NOT know what he missed!!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

I'm now concerned for other body parts. I have shy abdominals. My six pack lies hidden behind a protective layer and simply will not let themselves be seen.

The rude bits seem to have personality disorders, they are however in therapy,

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- I'm beginning to be concerned for your brain parts. I think there's a disorder there for sure. I hope you don't ever get it taken care of though, I would laugh so much less!

Glad to see the rude bits in therapy...lmao!!


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 5 years ago from malang-indonesia

Actually I am a shy guy. But my confidence is back because of you. Thank you very much for posting about this topic. Very inspiring hub. Thank you very much. Love and peace!

Prasetio:)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Prasetio- just when I think you can't get any kinder... you do! Thank you for your sweet words!

May your heart be filled with the joy you have given to others!


Tammy L profile image

Tammy L 5 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

Would the state of Michigan prefer Mr. Koontz have explosive diarrhea?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Tammy- I'm just glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read your comment! OMG! You should be Mr. Koontz's lawyer.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

That would totally suck. I know someone who almost couldn't get into the Navy because he couldn't go in front of the recruiter standing there watching (they watch so that you can't cheat the system somehow). Took two days and several tries to get it done.

And lol @ the bathroom near the kitchen with no vents or noise. There is one floor plan in the subdivision I live in that has this totally random, bathroom that is it's own, four-sided structure literally IN the kitchen, like they built a phone booth almost in the middle of the massive space and use it to be the visual divider between hallway, kitchen and front room... I think it was supposed to be artsy or something, but its not, it's like going potty in a refrigerator box sitting in the middle of a room hoping no one will hear. lol.

Fun hub. I feel sorry for that guy, though.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Shades- Omg! That bathroom would be my worst nightmare. Ok, my second worst. The worst would be if it had clear walls and was situated in the middle of the mall and I had NO CHOICE. But that bathroom comes close.

Someone should have done a random drug test on the architects of that house!

I feel sorry for the guy, too, actually.


Glad2bme63 5 years ago

I know this guy and he doesn't do drugs. He gave the Michigan Department of Transportation a hair follicle test that goes back 12 months that is all negative. So, anyone who finds this article humorous should think again. Think about how you would feel if this happened to you...get fired for not being able to pee and then get denied unemployment benefits to boot. Hey...just in time for the holidays!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Glad- I do feel sorry for Mr. Koonter, and I do think his being fired was deplorable. That being said, I'm a humor writer. And "shy bladder" was too good to pass up. I did put a link in there for a place that helps people with this problem.

I poke fun at myself, all the time. I feel like a person can go through life bemoaning their situations, or find a way to laugh about it.

I choose to laugh. I understand if you choose not to laugh with me. I am a bit twisted.


Carol Olmert 5 years ago

I like to think of myself as having a good sense of humor but... as someone who suffered from a severe case of shy bladder for over 40 years of my life, I don't find it a laughing matter. Imagine the pain you might feel having to retain urine all day long until you found a "safe" bathroom. What would your life be like if you couldn't be away from home for more than a few hours, travel, share a ski cabin with others, or miss out on all of your daily activities just because you couldn't pee when others are around?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Carol,

I wasn't going to bring this up. But, I too, have a problem. I have a shy pooper-shoot. I go to poop, but if someone else comes into the bathroom I find I'm embarrassed and have to stop. This is very painful. I've tried to overcome it by farting in public places and laughing behind my hand when people faint from the smell. But I have found that it is not enough.

I think I may start a support group for shy pooper shooters. If we own up to our poop-shoot issues, maybe that will help.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

Looks like Carol and Glad2beMe63 are going a little serious here - sure it's hell if it impacts you, but bathroom humor is a big part of your schtick. I just want to reassure you that the funny lay in the justaposition of a body part and the adjective, 99% of the world should be thankful that they can laugh at this.

No actual humans were hurt in the making of this hub...

And as a psychologist who believes that humor is one of the best medicines around, I would prescribe it to our two concerned friends...(Seriously - laughing relaxes all the muscles, including those making your lives very awkward indeed)

A humor hub is not a good place to dump a down...

With you all the way Sue,

Chris


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Really, someone sensitive about their own condition? If you can't laugh at yourself, you need medication!

I have been plump most of my life and there is no end to the taunts I have had to endure. Once a guy even called me a "fat snatch"! I laughed so hard that I had to pee a little even in public, LOL!

Ok, I know it's a serious thing to have a debilitating condition that gets you fired or keeps you from getting promotions or whatever, but really, like Chris says, laughter is the best medicine.

I'd be willing to bet seeing a phobia treatment center can cure people of "shy bladder". It's really a phobia, and phobias are easy to cure! I had a phobia once to bananas - yea, I know - go ahead and laugh. I wrote a hub about it. It was hysterical to everyone but me, but I got over it. It was hard, but survivable. Just do it.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Austinstar,

I refuse to admit to being fat. I believe that I am un-svelte, with skinny pretensions.

You might want to hold back a little on the phobia thing here, this is Sue's hub, and who knows what she can do with that particular gem!!!

Bananaphobics should be laughed at, particularly by those of us with clown phobias (No, really, they seriously creep me out, what are they hiding behind all that paint...)

Anxiety and stress? Laugh at me, I'm OK with that...

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- thanks for the encouraging words, and the math lesson.

Thank you also for letting people know that no animals were hurt in the making of his hub. That something I know people were curious about. I should have mentioned it before.

Oh, and your medical advice- top notch!

You're a good egg, Chris. (That's southern for you're top shelf. ) (See Shadesbreath's hub on scotch if you don't get the reference....)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Austin- I prefer to be called Fluffy, thank you very much. "Fat snatch" is a new one. Why am I not surprised you lost it?

A banana phobia? Really?

Yeah, Chris is right, there's a hub in that. I should probably apologize beforehand for the damage I may inflict.

I'm curious, how does a banana phobia work? Do you have to avoid the fruit isle in the grocery store? Does banana pudding count, or is OK because it's been chopped up and therefore is no danger? This is rich stuff!

Thank you for sharing, Austin. I'm loving this as much as Chris's clown phobia... possibly more.

As I said before, when it comes to commenting, you've got skills, sister!


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

The banana phobia was real. After I got over it, I could look back and laugh hysterically, but before that, I was actually terrified of bananas and had to avoid the fruit isle in the stores.

Banana pudding did NOT count :-) But I could not prepare it myself, someone had to make it for me (or banana nut bread, or banana splits...) I physically could not touch a banana with the peel on. Or even look at it.

I gave up an art class in college because the teacher brought in a bowl of fruit for us to draw. I had to get up, leave, and go down to registration and drop the class, shivering all the while.

Clown phobias are SO common! What is up with that paint?


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Here's some fodder for your hub - When I was doing the relaxation exercises to get rid of the banana phobia, all of the bananas turned into pearl handled revolvers in my mind. They were all pointing at me and I was sure the bullets were going to start firing at any second. Going to the banana display in the store was like being the target of a firing squad!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Austin, that is sad and hilarious at the same time. So, if I get this correct, it wasn't actually the banana, but the peel. Peels are actually dangerous. Old people married to young studs and studettes slip on them and die all the time.

Your subconscious was most likely aware of that, and was trying to protect you in case you should, some time in the future, become extremely rich and hook up with some young stud. Your subconscious is so good to you!


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

ROFL - I did marry a rich old stud, but before he could die, I tripped on a divorce banana and hurt myself. Crap. If only I had hung in there a few more years.....

I learned my lesson though. I ended up marrying a poor younger stud and next year will make it 20 years. I guess that's what curing my banana phobia did for me :-)

Shoulda listened.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Austin- you are an enigma wrapped inside a puzzle topped with a jester hat! Too funny!


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

I'm not sharing my enigmas and jester hats! Puzzles, I need help on. hahaha

Thanks!


My Esoteric profile image

My Esoteric 5 years ago from Keystone Heights, FL

I have a feeling Mr. Koonter may have the last laugh on the Michigan DOT. I own a company on the collection end of the drug testing business and I am guessing he failed a federal DOT random drug test. If so, and he got the Medical Review Officer, who is part of the process, to agree with his Drs diagnosis, then the federal government shouldn't allow their test to be used as a basis for his firing because it is an invalid test. The federal DOT has other procedures when there is a valid "shy" bladder. I did enjoy reading your hub and all of the comments that followed. They kept me smiling for a good while.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Austin- please, just one enigma?

Esoteric- I hope you're right. It really doesn't seem fair that Mr. Koonter was fired over a medical condition that had nothing to do with his ability to do his job.

Thank you for stopping by, and thanks for your comments. The process seems like it should work for him, it may just take a while. I certainly hope it does!


QudsiaP1 profile image

QudsiaP1 5 years ago

Lol, sad.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Qudsia- yes, it's sad; and yet, I laugh, because the name makes me think of all this funny stuff. That may be sad, too. :)

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