Daybreakers: Worst Vampire Movie Ever
by Wes J. Pimentel
Wow. If there was ever a reason to receive an elective lobotomy...
Please see this movie. You probably have some semblance of a life, as do I. You probably fill your day with worthwhile activities like going to the bathroom, playing video games, writing online articles and spacing out. If you need a break from all that productivity, please see this movie. It will provide you with two hours of absolute, desolate nothingness. Not even Willem Defoe could rescue this cinematic atrocity.
Ethan Hawke is like Keanu Reeves. Wooden, mono-faceted, and bland. There is a place for actors of this caliber. When they are assigned to the wrong project, their inability to transmit the simplest of reactions (excruciating pain, for example), stands out like a sore tentacle... with purple lesions. Please keep in mind that my favorite movie of all time is The Matrix, starring the afore-mentioned "actor". Neo in the Matrix is supposed to be in constant awe of his surroundings, so stiff and wide-eyed worked in that movie. Well, Ethan Hawke is no Neo, and this ain't no Matrix.
Simon might call this movie the cinematic equivalent to having a dump-truck dropped on your penis. It literally hurt to watch it. The photo I chose is not of a frame of the movie, it is of the people responsible for its existence; "The Spierig Brothers". Here's a newsflash, guys: just calling yourselves "The something Brothers" doesn't automatically raise you to the ranks of cinematic geniuses like the Farrely's, the Hughes', or the Coens. You actually have to be good at it.
I love the concept of vampires, as well as most vampire movies. They are sexy, strong, passionate, gluttonous, frightening, and beautiful. This movie captured none of that. This film reduced vampires to masses of people with sharp teeth and colored contacts. It almost made me say, "Thank God for the Twilight series."
So many non-sensical things happen in this movie, it's as if a 13-year-old wrote it. They must have had a list of Hollywood's worst cliches on hand to work from, because they went right down the line, checking every block. Vampires are stronger than humans. We all know this. Why was a tiny female able to kick a large, male vampire's ass using nothing more than her feeble, human strength? If a wooden stake through the heart makes vampires immediately explode, why does it take longer when the character being killed is a little more integral to the plot? How the fuck does a humvee explode from a busted-out windshield? Give me my two hours back!
I had every intention of writing a detailed harangue against this flop, but I will stop here. Anger management principles dictate I pull back and let it be. I cannot control the actions of the Spierig Brothers, nor of Ethan Hawke, nor of Willem Defoe's agent/manager. The only thing I can do is set my anger free and hope it returns with the heads of those responsible.
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