Dear Mr. Spammer - Please Give Me My New iPad 3

I want my shiny new iPad 3!
I want my shiny new iPad 3! | Source

Dear Mr. Spammer,

Sub: Please give me the free iPad 3 you promised me!

I’m writing this letter to you, hoping that you will forward this to your superiors because you are clearly incapable of feeling emotions or having compassion for another fellow human being.

Let me be upfront and tell you what happened. I was in a coffee shop, surfing the net on my shiny silver Mac book pro, being as cool as I could be, when I noticed that everyone around me was now updating their statuses and tweets on their pricy iPads. Suddenly, I felt inadequate. Everyone seemed to stare at me as if I was using equipment from some Jurassic age. I needed some hardware enhancement. But my card is maxed out and my bank balance is overdrawn. That’s when I saw one of your many emails with the Sub: newipad3.me. Desperate times called for desperate measures and I finally took the bait!

However, now that I made the fatal mistake of clicking on your link, you are being difficult. You are playing hard to get. To rub salt on my wounds, you even sent free iPad 3 offers to all my friends on my contact list. I should have known Mr. Serial Spammer!

I haven’t heard from you in weeks. I sit here everyday by my window and keep pestering the UPS guy who has started looking at me strangely.

Long have I resisted you hounding me and trying to me trick. You’re one of a kind, and boy is your kind persuasive! You sold me a dream and I foolishly fantasized about sitting in the coffee shop stroking my spanking new iPad 3, which was the object of everyone’s jealousy. I always thought you preyed on human greed and petty penis sizes. I never thought it would be me who fell for your foolish promise. Kudos to you for being so efficient but I’ll have you know I’m mighty pissed off.


No more Spam please!
No more Spam please! | Source


Everyday I’d open my mail praying that my inbox was spam free. As for my spam folder, I’d ask myself the question: so what’s it going to be today? Some get-rich-quick scheme where an unfortunate millionaire suddenly died in a plane crash and now you need me to claim his dough? Or is it an orphan girl in Namibia in need of my aid? Am I the now deceased Prince Kabadulla’s only surviving heir?

You accidentally seem to have got my name from the database of the dumb and gullible but I’ll have you know, Mr. Spammer, I’m smarter than that.

The seconds that I’ve spent deleting your spam mail could have been utilized more productively by updating my twitter, facebook, myspace, orkut, e-hermony, match.com or google + accounts.

And please don’t flatter yourself that I have come to amuse myself with your penis enlargement and herbal Viagra adverts that prey on some poor man’s insecurity. Yes, I admit, sometimes they are funny. And there have been times before when I’ve craved to click (Not for me of course, but to help a friend. Poor girl, she wanted to stick it out with her current boyfriend). But in my world size doesn’t matter. So take your cheap, filthy pharmaceuticals, that probably have male pattern baldness as a side effect, and shove them up your desired cavity Mr. Spammer.

I have been driven up the wall and am sick and tired of missing important mails thanks to genuine emails hiding in the spam folder. But what you have done now is beyond forgivable. Not only did I not get the free iPad 3 you promised me, you even stole my identity and sold it to the highest bidder somewhere in Russia!

I will not stand for this Internet super highway identity robbery. This is like a bad dressing on an already rotten salad. So who ever you are on the other side of the screen, claiming to be Mr. Faidu or Maidu, with the kind of name that sounds like an exotic fruit, I need you to deliver on your promise.

Let me warn you, I may not be the type who will hop on the next flight to Nigeria and come looking for you but neither am I one of those impulsive buyers you can easily con. I have friends in high places and a gang of vigilante citizens from around the world following me on twitter.

Dear Mr. spammer, let me reason with you. Give me my identity back. Or at least send me my freaking brand new iPad 3. In return, I promise to give you my (now) ex boyfriend’s email. He’s a guaranteed impulsive buyer and would be eager to enlarge many of his body parts, organically or surgically. He’s a sure shot with a rich dad and a platinum card (and he had the nerve to dump me!). So send me what’s mine and you can spam his ass right off.


More by this Author

  • How to Tell if Your Boyfriend is an Alien
    11

    Ever had that sneaky suspicion that your boyfriend is from outer space? Read on to find out if he really is an Alien and what you can do about it.

  • What is Reader’s Block and How to Overcome it
    11

    Have you ever felt like you can’t go on and read a single word anymore? Do books on shelves seem humongous? Like they’d take you a lifetime to finish? If so, you may be suffering from Reader's Block.

  • How to Stop Verbal Diarrhea
    19

    Do you have the habit of talking crap often? Do you spit out shit every time you speak? If so, you may be suffering from Verbal Diarrhea. If you or someone you know is suffering from this condition, here’s what to...


Comments 12 comments

Anishpat profile image

Anishpat 5 years ago from San Francisco + Mumbai

funny! 'This is like a bad dressing on an already rotten salad' made me laugh out loud. Really funny hub.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

I really liked "hop on the next flight to Nigeria". The title made me laugh and the rest kept it up. Good stuff.


capricornrising profile image

capricornrising 4 years ago from Wilmington, NC

Hilarious.


sweetzara profile image

sweetzara 4 years ago from Mumbai, India Author

Thanks Tom and capricornrising for ur kind comments! This really happened to me! I promise ;)


capricornrising profile image

capricornrising 4 years ago from Wilmington, NC

Oh trust me - I've fallen for these scams on a number of occasions (what does THAT say about me?).


CloudExplorer profile image

CloudExplorer 4 years ago from New York City

The best scam ever I had personally detected, and I'm a spam private investigator type by the way when it comes to web related stuff. The best ever for me was, one day while I was searching on Craigslist of all places for computer repair jobs I could perform for folks.

I located a job that stated I could repair 10 desktop computers in bulk. I responded quickly in joy of feeling I would be getting a job to do finally, and I was going to have fun fixing someones computers. At the time I was a pc repair tech, I never thought that this could possibly be a scam, but to no avail it was.

The guy or lady who had email me back, stated that they were going to send me a check in advance for the payment of the job, and I stepped 20 steps back after hearing of such a thing. I went along with it all just to see where things were going to lead too. Luckily I caught on in time because the person had sent me a rubber check, in hopes that I would attempt to cash it into my bank. The way they would have scammed me, is if I had tried to cash it, and like I said I had zero intentions of doing so.

They wanted me to Fedex them the difference, for the shipping fee's which was unreal, and they had said they included it in the check as form of payment.

I immediately responded after getting possession of the Rubber check, and noticed they purposely misspelled my name on it as well. It all ended in me scaring them into believing I was a special agent, and knew everything they were doing, because first of all who's going to send money to a stranger, prior to receiving any sort of service what so ever. I had to scare them, I was compelled to do so, and I never received another email message from them again. LOL

What an experience, from that point on I always investigate everything I come in contact with, and have discovered every single scam that was sent my way digitally, by doing a simple google search of the content they shared with me.

Awesome hub here, voted up on every level imaginable.


jeyaramd profile image

jeyaramd 4 years ago from Mississauga, Ontario

I had an experience with an international travel organization. I was asked to take part in a discussion about travel. They said that if I refuse to purchase the time share product, I would still be able to go home with a one week trip to the Caribbean.

These guys were convinced that they would be able to win my membership. However, after a long discussion. I refused and they gave me a certificate. I had to call them and inform them of the dates and they would give me the actual tickets.

Apparently, the business went into bankrupcy later. They also refused to give us the tickets. I let that one go after calling a few times. I was fortunate to have not paid anything up front. Others were not as fortunate. During our initial presentation, a previous membership owner walked in during our discussion and said that this was a scam. He was escorted out. Its unbelievable how scammers try to play on your emotions. We have to be more careful. Great hub.


sweetzara profile image

sweetzara 4 years ago from Mumbai, India Author

Hi CloudExplorer! It seem that online scams keep growing in numbers! You did really well! thanks for readin and thanks for your comments!

Hi jeyaramd! A trip to the Caribbean sounds tempting, I glad you didn't fall for the scam! I'll make sure not to fall for just offers! thaks for reading!


laurel536 4 years ago from North Carolina, United States

My favorite one was when I was told that I had been selected to receive a special scholarship grant from the United Nations. Great hub!


sweetzara profile image

sweetzara 4 years ago from Mumbai, India Author

Thanks Lurel536 lol Hope you didn't apply for the 'grant'


Starmom41 4 years ago

cool hub!!! :)


mujtabasworld profile image

mujtabasworld 3 years ago from Pune, India

Interesting :D

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working