Earthlings Against Alien Abduction
Turn Your Home into A Fortress!
Turning your home into an anti-alien fortress is easy with some simple anti-alien home products. While you can't get anti-alien paneled windows, anti-alien insulation, anti-alien home siding or paint, anti-alien roofing materials, anti-alien telephone service provider, or anti-alien utilities (yet!), we can give you guidelines and suggestions on how to alien from outer space proof your home!
For best results, formulate a mixture of sea and land salt (equal parts of each) to make the most effective alien repellent. Just sprinkle an ounce or two around your bed each night and enjoy an abduction free sleep. Can also be used in cooking, replacing your regular supermarket salt! Caution: Do not ingest if you are pregnant (hybrid or human child), or have high blood pressure.
Anti- alien aluminum foil
Make sure you use foil devised with
titanium alloy, although this might not be available on planet Earth just yet. If not now, it will be by 2013 if the world doesn't end before then. This is the only kind that will shield you from alien’s insidious rays. Line the walls and ceiling in your house (shiny side out, of course) or
formulate it into a helmet to prevent the tracking of your implants. Remember, regular aluminum foil is a transmitter. If you doubt that, just remember those old rabbit ears. What did we use to get better reception?
Although this spice is commonly known to keep away vampires, researchers have discovered that garlic also prevents the anti-gravity forces used by aliens Don't worry, ordinary supermarket or homegrown garlic will do, and see the difference when your abduction rate goes down or even stops!
Anti-Alien Spring Water
Unlike those stupid wimps in the movie "Signs", real aliens aren’t afraid
of water, especially on a planet with so much of it. I mean, seriously, they were able to travel millions of light years but couldn't figure out how to protect themselves from water on a planet that's mostly water? Come on, what kind of plot hole is that? Anyway, when you buy spring water, you get natural anti-alien
minerals blended with the water from a confined aquifer anf are not only a great
thirst quencher, but may also be a potent alien repellent. We suggest drinking
at least two bottles a day. Tap water might work as well, the results of those studies aren't in yet.
Anti-alien Duct Tape
This product safely seals off any room in the house but is easily removable by human hands in case an exit is needed in an emergency. Use around doors, windows or plumbing fixtures. Effectiveness varies before needing to be replaced. You'll know when it looks worn or tampered with.
JOIN THE CLUB!
Join the Earthlings Against Alien Abduction Club! (EAAA) Email me for details.
More by this Author
This might be the smartest decision you’ve ever made. Not only will you save thousands of dollars that would normally help your attorney buy her ski chalet in Switzerland or make his alimony payment to one of...