Elvish Lives

Author's note:

All events and people in this story are real, except when obviously depicted as otherwise.

This, folks, is not me.  But he does look like me.  And, like me, he is good at entertaining.
This, folks, is not me. But he does look like me. And, like me, he is good at entertaining. | Source

An Incredible True Story

I am the best professional Elvis impersonator that ever lived. Heck, some people even think I'm better than Elvis himself. I even fancy myself for looking like him.

Well one day last June, I hopped into my light pink '57 convertible and was about to start the engine when a glowing red light caught my eye.

I turned to get a better look, and there, right in front of my garbage cans was a spaceship. Out of a small window popped some aliens.

Watch Out!

A green replica of the alien attacker.  Be very careful of these guys folks.
A green replica of the alien attacker. Be very careful of these guys folks. | Source

Aliens?

The creatures had very big black eyes with no eyebrows or eyelashes or any hair or wrinkles on their pale white skin. The eyes were clear and shiny and in the shape of slanted teardrops. Their mouths were just a small hole gaping open and they had no nose. In height, they must have been about 3 feet tall. Their bodies were covered in a large shirt about 10 times their size and it covered their feet. The shirts were green and on all of them it said, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." (Ah-ha, I thought. They are trying to deceive us humans by masquerading as Ninja Turtles. Or fans. ..I couldn't decide..)

Suddenly they grabbed me and yanked me into their pink and skyblue poke-a-dot spaceship. I struggled all I could, but it was no use, they had me strapped to a chair.

Suddenly there was a big CALUNK! They unstrapped me and threw me on this goldish brown planet. There weren't any trees or plants, just the soggy surface. The creatures lined up side by side about 20 feet in front of me. Then a funny thing happened.

The creatures took out a pencil in their skinny long fingers and held it as one would hold a cigarette. They spoke. They were chanting the same thing over and over and it wasn't until I took a step closer that I heard and understood. In a foreign, cut-up voice, they said, "Elvish lives! Elvish lives!"

A mere sampling of the shiny rocks and baubles I once reigned over.
A mere sampling of the shiny rocks and baubles I once reigned over. | Source

Zonk!

Then they zonked me out. I woke up slumped on a throne the size of Mount Rushmore. Jewels of every kind surrounded me. The dimwitted Elvis fanatics were bowing to me.

Then one spoke. It said, "Shing or die...shing or die.."

Apparently they wanted me to shing.

Uh-oh.

Repeat after me:  Garlic is your friend.  Garlic is your friend.
Repeat after me: Garlic is your friend. Garlic is your friend. | Source

TROUBLE!!

Let me tell you something before I go on. As an Elvis impersonator, I lip sync and copy his moves. My own vocal cords have nothing to do with this process. So, as you can see, I was in serious trouble.

I smiled weakly. I could smell my breath as I breathed out, and WHOA! did it smell terrible. I tried to remember what I had eaten that afternoon. Oh yes, garlic bread with spaghetti and frog legs dipped in fish sauce. With breath this bad, I thought, maybe I can breath out and kill every alien on the planet. Maybe they have really keen senses of smell (even without a nose) and one whiff of my breath would kill them.

So it was worth a try.

You're Not Going to Believe This

Boy, did I have good luck. The minute I opened my mouth and breathed out, every creature on the planet eyes went out to the color of their skin. The turned even paler! They were frozen in place. Then, one at a time, each creature fell backwards as straight as a board. Each time one fell, there was a loud KALUNKSHWHAT!

When they all fell, I seized my chance. I ran straight to the sky-blue and pink poke-a-dot spaceship that I could see in the distance. I quickly hopped in.


Yep folks. I was there.

Venus is the shiny dot below the brighter dot.  I'll tell you about my Adventure to Venus another time.
Venus is the shiny dot below the brighter dot. I'll tell you about my Adventure to Venus another time. | Source

A Daring Escape

Now, normally I have absolutely no talent with engineering. Well, certainly not now! No sooner could you say KALUNKSHWHAT then the spaceship was in orbit and heading for Earth. As I was dodging comets and flying meteors, I spyed a pink dot on the Planet Venus. As I got a closer look, it resembled my light pink '57 convertible. Naturally I raced down there and hopped out to my light pink '57 convertible.

Low and behold, green things with blue eyes and orange mouths, well they...

But that's a different story.

The Ultimate Elvis Tribute Artist

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