Emily The Bachelorette Ep 2: The Best They've Got?

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This is the Best They’ve Got?

It’s no secret that the producers of The Bachelorette have been chasing Emily since she got out of the limo on The Bachelor. They crossed their fingers that Brad would pick the other girl so they could have Emily as their next star. You would think for their highly-coveted princess, they would have pulled out all the stops and loaded the house with doctors and lawyers who happen to look like soap opera stars. Instead, they filled the house with the weirdest collection of kinda-good-looking borehouses.

I complained about this to my TV companion, and he shrewdly pointed out that Brad may have been good looking, but he had zero personality. Now, Emily thinks a handful of them are “super hot” so I guess they picked guys based on her taste. If I were her, the producers would have heard a big “what the hell” from me. Maybe that’s why they aren’t chasing me down to be The Bachelorette.

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Prime Suspect #1: Ryan

My biggest and only regret about not writing about Ben-the-Bachelor last season was missing out on an opportunity to be right about him. I watched the first episode and told my TV companion, “That guy is a dirt bag. Everyone thinks he’s so sincere, but he’s really just a good liar.” Sure enough, not only did he choose the pretty face (the geek and the model story is so overdone), over one of the more genuine girls, but after he got engaged there were pictures of him drunk making out with an entire town. You can’t claim everyone is “just a close friend” and then shove your tongue down their throats. Shyster.

Anywho, I have the same feelings about this Ryan character. He claimed to love his at-home date with Emily, but I’ve got his number. He’s an insincere clown who only went on this show in hopes of a free wall-climbing adventure. When Emily asked him what he was hoping to do on the date, he said he’d love to ride in a helicopter or go zip lining…. this isn’t the Road Rules Challenge, fool! Good thing she had other wild plans in store: making cookies. He put on a fake brave face and acted like it was the best date he could imagine. Shah right. The only time he looked happy on the date was when they got one of The Bachelorette’s signature surprise concerts.

Later, he gave Emily a novella about his feelings for her and she awkwardly read them out loud. Puh-lease. I’ve seen that episode before too. It seems like he studied previous seasons so he knew how to stick around and get more camera time. I see through his plan--he’s just gunning for the hot tub on Bachelor Pad.

On another note, what’s up with his wannabe-young-hip-fratboy hair? Who got drunk and played with scissors around him? You’re 31, get a real haircut by a PROFESSIONAL.

Puppet Master

Finally, some characters with quality and sincerity…the Muppets! Emily should have given up and run away with Fozzie Bear, he’s got more personality than all 25 of those dudes combined.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. I wanna like this guy, but if I have to hear about his broken head one more time I’m gonna break my own like that dude in Florida in the back of a police car…Google it. His mini-meltdown about going on stage was weird. They were asking him to speak in front of people, not stand on a rickety dry-rotted bridge (too soon?).

How’s he going to survive the vacation dates if every single thing reminds him of his accident? Don’t get me wrong, I get the severity of his accident and I applaud him overcoming his speech issues—all of this actually gives him depth compared to the other idiots. However, there’s got to be more to him than a metal plate.

On a similar (one-) note, Doug and Tony have to stop dwelling on the single-parent connection. You need more in common with your lady than the fact that you successfully reproduced once. How many conversations can you really have about who is going to pick your kid up from soccer practice while you’re busy on a reality TV show?

Then there’s Chris. Is he missing some facial muscles? Emily went on and on about how good looking he is, but I suspect he might be a robot. Rise of the machines, perhaps?

Why, oh why does Emily try so hard to get Jef’s attention? He’s eight years old. She doesn’t need to chase around another child---is this an adoption show or a dating show? Maybe we should start calling her Angelina Jolie.

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Speaking of Poor

Emily went on a one-on-one date with Joe, who she claimed looked like Matthew McConaughey…uh, she dated Brad who had a similar body (and IQ) to Mr. Mac and who has nothing in common with Joe. Clearly, she’s lost her mind. Having weird curly-yet-slick hair does not a Matty make.

Anywho, she flew him to her hometown in West Virginia, which seemed really early and a waste at this point. Wouldn’t she rather take someone she knows she likes? I guess that means they’ll be flying around the world the rest of the season and had to get someone to WV before they invoke their passports.

Other than that, their date wasn’t noteworthy, which is why she sent him--and his mousse-- packing. I watched this episode for a second time on FF (long story) and Emily’s face was practically comatose during their dinner together. You’d think he’d have picked up on that. Alas, maybe he and Matty McHotty have an IQ in common after all.

Survivors of Rose Ceremony #2

Doug

Chris—Phantom of the Opera

Ryan

Kalon—80’s Yuppie

Arie

Charlie—Broke Down Palace

Jef –Future Jolie Pitt

Nate

Sean

Alejandro

John

Alessandro

Michael--Sassy Ponytail

Stevie

Tony

Travis

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Comments 2 comments

Angela Brummer profile image

Angela Brummer 4 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

I like this hub! Great content and well put togather!


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 4 years ago Author

Thanks Angela! Hope you'll stop by and check out the other Bachelorette hubs this season.

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