Emily The Bachelorette Ep 3: There's A Killer In The House

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Charlotte Summer Concert Series

Welcome to a 2-hour advertisement for Charlotte, North Carolina! Every episode seems to be centered around what the small hick town of Charlotte can offer the world. Don’t all small towns boast populations of over a million people? Nobody loves North Carolina more than me (even with its latest blunders in the national news), but this show needs to stop acting like no one has heard of Charlotte. Most dingbats think it’s the capitol of NC, so clearly it’s not that podunk.

Final note on this rant, Emily wanted her dates to be more realistic—without helicopters or hot tubs--yet she doesn’t object to being the honored guest at a different country concert every night. She’s so grounded.

Age Ain’t Nothin’ But A Private Concert

Speaking of “normal” Emily and Chris scaled a wall in downtown Charl--what’s the name of the town again?—in order to enjoy a romantic rooftop dinner. While the overly dramatic editing was quite annoying, they seemed to have a good time together. Apparently, Emily finds lazy facial muscles attractive (he must be way hotter in person, right?).

The hilarious portion of the date occurred when the topic of age arose. Juvenile Chris is a whole year younger than Emily, which really freaked her out. However, he made a compelling argument that he had a lot of unique life experiences that matured him. I mean, the kid went away to college at the ripe age of 17! Holy cow, how did he ever survive such hardship? He seems just vanilla enough to be her type.

The Great Mommy Inquisition of 2012

Emily took a bunch of dudes to the park to play football…and by “play football” I mean be interrogated by her friends from her Mommy & Me classes. Emily’s friends clearly enjoyed their temporary power over the suitors and had them put on a variety show consisting of dancing, pushups, and a strip tease.

Ryan’s true colors are starting to show. He told Emily that he wouldn’t still love her if she got fat. Sounds about right. Nobody thought to ask if being pregnant counts? Anyone with any sense can see he views Emily as a trophy wife, and trophies aren’t shaped like Buddha. His competitive side is going to bite him in the butt and I can’t wait to see him drown in his own testosterone.

Sean was given a voice this episode. Who knew he even existed before Wendy almost forced herself on him in the park? Not to sound paranoid, but a lot of his answers sound rehearsed. It’s like he treats every conversation as a job interview. The benefit of this is that Emily can rest assured he’ll never be unemployed—he clearly has perfected the art of coming up with the right answers.

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Single Dads Square Off

Doug was another favorite among Emily’s friends. He actually seems pretty genuine and has a little Chris Lambert thing going for him. I liked that he stopped telling Emily his sad dad/foster family story because he didn’t want her to cry for him. It shows that he wasn’t telling her simply to get a sympathy rose. He seems legit.

Tony, on the other hand, couldn’t dry his tears for a half second. I was overjoyed when Emily finally performed a mercy killing (for both herself and we at home) and sent him packing. Before he left, Doug gave Tony a great pep talk about the attention spans of 5-year olds—good thing they can’t focus long enough to be insulted by that conversation.

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R.I.P. Shelly

Travis, whose name I never remember, is more affectionately known as “The Weirdo With The Egg.” I’m not sure how I’m going to recognize him now that Shelly has been destroyed, so I’ll continue to mentally refer to him as Weirdo #8. I didn’t realize he kept the egg this entire time—how did no one call the Health Department? That thing had to be a carrier of any variety of diseases like salmonella. The main lesson we can learn from Shelly is that no first-night gimmick should last passed the first rose ceremony.

The other thing I noticed about Travis is that he is a crazy nodder. Watch him in any group conversation and he emphatically agrees with everyone. I’m sincerely afraid he’s going to hurt himself and sue the producers for whiplash.

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Emily’s Date with Dolly

Arie could have disappeared in the middle of the Dollywood date and Emily wouldn’t have even noticed. Yes, they had a few good conversations, but this date was all about Miss Maynard meeting Ms. Parton--and showcasing all the reasons you should visit Dollywood right now!

I am a little concerned about Arie. He had never heard of Dollywood and when Dolly appeared on stage he didn’t seem to recognize her. Does he live under a rock? I guess Emily wasn’t too concerned since she spent the rest of the episode playing kissy face with him, even in front of the other guys. Here comes the drama…

Pride of the Americas

Run, Emily, run! Red flag #1: Kalon looked like Christian Bale in American Psycho at the cocktail party. Red flag #2: He never stopped talking from the moment they sat on the couch, and he wasn’t saying anything interesting. Every time she tried to contribute, he just spoke over her. Red Banner #3: He told her all about his control issues, which his MOM had pointed out to him. Finally, a little red man with a huge red banner was dancing in front of Emily’s face when she snuck a word in, he “politely” asked her to stop talking. Emily claimed she will not be condescended to….unless the producers say so…and Kalon skipped away with a rose.

No matter the reason Kalon is still around, I’m terrified of that guy. Bare minimum, he’s a controlling jerkface. Worst case: he wants to dress Emily up as a doll, lock her in his basement, and one day wear her skin like a cat suit. Yikes.

Also at the cocktail party, Alessandro decided to break down any language barriers and spell out the fact that his life is perfect without Emily in it. He acted like a martyr for walking away from his gypsy lifestyle to hang out in a mansion for free and try to date a hot lady. What a sweetheart. The bigger compromise would have been for Emily to put up with his wretched haircut a minute longer.

In other ditching news, Stevie the Wedding DJ was also sent packing. Everybody Wang Chung tonight!

Roses Bearers

Doug

Chris—Phantom of the Opera

Ryan—Macho Macho Jerk

Kalon—Serial Killer

Arie—Dolly who?

Charlie

Jef

Nate

Sean

Alejandro

John

Michael

Travis—Eggless and Alone

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