Emily The Bachelorette Ep 5: You Sound Like You’re From London

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Big Ben…Parliament

Emily spent their time in London doing her best Kathleen Turner impression. This oddly came in handy during a certain uncomfortable confrontation, but we’ll get to that.

Sean took in the sights of London while Emily gazed at the beauty… of Sean. The way she talks about him, you’d think he was the spawn of David Beckham and Brad Pitt. Apparently, his hot bod and perfect answers do not land him many dates. He described the last girl he went out with and I envisioned him giving her the stiff arm and never returning her calls. I’m gonna keep a distrustful eye on him.

On their date, they happened upon a street performance of sorts and Sean jumped up on a stump and spoke of love…. his parents’ love. It was kinda weird. He’s always talking about their relationship, which makes me wonder if he has ever had a real girlfriend. The date ended with dinner at the Tower of London. I don’t think I would have been as excited as they were to eat in a prison where ghosts of decapitated scorned women wander the halls, but that’s just me.

Emily made the comment that guys who are as attractive as Sean are usually boring. She’s not wrong, but I’m not sure that I agree that he’s the exception.

Rolling Over In His Grave

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Shakespeare Scholars

The date card arrived with the cryptic message “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”—and by cryptic, I mean one of the most recognized quotes by Shakespeare. Emily is dating a bunch of geniuses that sat like they were trying to solve the riddle of the Sphinx. Sigh. On the date, Emily and her group of ne'er-do-wells met up with some Shakespeare scholars to perform scenes from Romeo and Juliet (I’m shocked any of these clowns had heard of the play).

Kalon, like a good serial killer, took the whole situation with extreme gravity. First, he had a personal meltdown over being on a group date and not a one-on-one, and then he studied his lines as if he were competing for an Oscar. When Emily stopped by for a friendly chat, Kalon callously shooed her away—and for some reason, she was shocked. This is the same guy who insists on her raising her hand before she speaks.

A couple of the guys had to play women roles, including Arie, who would not stop whining about it. Dude, no one is waving scissors near your testicles, so chill. He also showed his true intellect by pointing out all the words in his scene that he didn’t understand—among them was “jaunt.” Come on, really? Is there a GED anywhere in this group?

Ryan, who was cast as Romeo in spite of the fact that he was wearing a woman’s scarf, treated the entire situation as a competition as usual. He sealed it by giving Emily a necklace, which unfortunately is softening her resolve against him. That’s just embarrassing.

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Kalon Packs Some Baggage

In typical Bachelorette form, one idiot said something off-camera, which blew up into a huge scandal on-camera. Unsurprisingly, the villain in this case was none other than the number one murder suspect, Kalon. There were several instances where he made rude comments about Emily and Ricki in the presence of others. The kicker was when he referred to the 6-year old innocent angel as “baggage.”

Now, there were several fellas (Jef admitted to being one later) who heard this comment and did nothing. Once Doug caught wind of it, he ran immediately to Emily and told her. She was instantly flung back to her trailer park mentality and was ready to beat Kalon with the dull end of a rifle.

Emily held court and publicly asked Kalon if he could deny the accusations. Doug stood above the proceedings in a very Chris Harrison sort of way. She threw the “I love when you talk, but let me finish” line back in Kalon’s face. I’m not quite sure why she kept him after he said that to her weeks ago, but it doesn’t matter because he was sent home immediately.

During cocktail hour, Emily held interrogation sessions with the guys to make sure there aren’t any more shysters in the bunch. Alas, Ryan still slipped through the cracks. It’ll be interesting to see if the guys start selling each other out at every turn now.

Overall, there are two problems I have with the Emily/Kalon showdown. One: She was disappointed in all the guys for not ratting Kalon out sooner, and she ignored the fact that Doug told her right away. That was a little messed up. Two: Does West Virginia have hoodrats?

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Like, Jef, Like Come On

Emily chose the ever-mature Jef for the final solo date of the week. If I would have sipped my drink every time Jef said the word “like” I would have been college-spring-break-style wasted by the end of the episode. Ah well, he got a rose so there’s always next episode!

Jef and Emily took etiquette lessons, in which they were berated for being uncivilized Americans. Not sure how they didn’t see that coming. Jef was actually funny when talking smack about their teacher, Jean. In a very contrived move, the pair snuck off to a pub for fish and chips. What rebellious Americans!

Jef referred to Ricki as a Chloe bag that he’d want to keep forever. That made me nervous. There are only three reasons he’d know what a Chloe bag is: 1) He’s rich 2) He listens to a lot of rap music 3) He’s gay. All three could be true.

Anyway, after an extremely cringe-worthy speech about opportunities, Jef finally kissed her. They seem like they are headed straight for the Friend Zone, but stranger things have happened.

They Said What?

“Guys who look like you are usually boring.”—Emily about Sean

“We’re a bunch of macho dumbasses.”—John (the voice of reason among fools)

“I’m waiting around to talk to a sick, exhausted mother.”—Kalon

“I’m saying F*** a lot right now.”—Doug

Flower Power

Doug—#1 Sell-Out

Chris

Ryan—Wears Women’s Clothing

Arie—Scared of Dresses

Jef—Like For Real

Sean

John

Travis

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