Emily The Bachelorette Ep 6: Bravery Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
Travis Goes Beyond The Wall...And Never Comes Back
It’s interesting that the reason the show was relocated from LA to Charlotte was so that Emily could be with Ricki. Now that they’re in Croatia, Ricki was sent home to NC. Either way, Emily is separated from her daughter again. Hmmmm.
Anywho, Emily took Travis on the tourist date of the week. They wandered the streets of Dubrovnik, giggling and skipping as FRIENDS usually do. Poor Travis thought that Emily simply grabbing his arm was a sign that they’d be together forever. So sad.
Any date which you use the word “silly” more than once, and nobody takes off his/her shirt is doomed for permanent residence in The Friend Zone. I was personally offended when Travis said he hadn’t been in a real relationship in 2 years---what about Shelly? I bet he regrets letting Emily smash his last true love to pieces now. Life ain’t easy for an egg-lover!
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Tell Me This Isn't The Face Of A Bad A**
Be Brave…Enough To See The Movie Being Shamelessly Promoted
The Wolf was on the prowl, ready to take on high speeds or climb to great heights…or watch a kids’ movie in the dark with his male roommates. How convenient for ABC that its mother company, Disney, has a movie coming out this year. What makes a better date than a free pre-screening of a cartoon with six of your closest boyfriends?
Alas, the group enjoyed the movie “Brave” then skedaddled out into a field to reenact some of the scenes (someone should explain to them that animation is not real). Since this is The Bachelorette, some humiliation was required, so the guys put on kilts—or skirts, as ignorant macho Americans call them—to participate in something called the Highland Games. Wanna know what that means? See the movie, “Brave” coming to theaters near you! Personally, I would have rathered them participate in the Hunger Games, but I might be a little demented.
Ken-Doll-Sean destroyed everyone at pretty much every event, while Chris embarrassed himself at every turn. He got a lot (too much?) of credit for challenging Doug to a tug-of-war of sorts (not the pervy kind) instead of picking on poor, weak Jef. In return, he received a sympathy rose from Emily. Everybody gets a trophy in Bachelorette land!
Emily spent the rest of the date taking turns making out with everyone. It was super classy. I have to admit, the full-body attack Arie pulled was kind of hot. Too bad he isn’t very bright—exactly Emily’s type!
Shopping In The Women's Department Again
In Any Language, Ryan Sucks
Ryan got a lot of camera time this week, which probably delighted him more than a hungry kid eating Mac & Cheese. He gave a running commentary during Emily’s date with Travis, saying that Emily didn’t have enough personality for T-Bone. Interesting, considering Ryan doesn’t have a real personality of his own—just one he purchased from the Douchebags-R-Us catalog.
When it was his turn for a solo date, he spent 3 hours coiffing his homeless Color Me Badd facial hair. Emily arrived and he immediately starting laying the garbage on like he was slathering peanut butter on bread. The guys were lucky enough to witness his gross attempt at flirting, and there was more eye rolling in that room than in a high school health class.
In what he believed to be his slickest move yet, Ryan authored a list of 12 qualities he’d like in a companion. Every quality he described was that of a Stepford wife. We didn’t get to hear them all, but I’m pretty sure #8 was “Must hate food and only drink kale shakes when given permission.” He’s so awful.
Luckily, Emily came to her senses and told him she didn’t want to feel the pressure to be perfect (kale shakes aren’t really her thing). The used car salesman in Ryan came out and tried to manipulate her into giving him a rose, even after she told him to pack his bags. This was a producer’s dream, and it was edited to make it seem like she was wavering in her decision. Ryan seemed to be almost bullying her into allowing him to stay, but alas, we have all been freed from the jackleg from Augusta. Good luck on your local dating show, buddy!
Ryan only hoped that the kind editors of The Bachelorette wouldn’t make him out to look like some superficial, fame-seeking, insensitive, arrogant asshat. They aren’t magicians—they can only work with what ya gave them. Meanwhile back at the house, the guys watched Ryan’s stuff be taken to the car. They each celebrated in their own way, especially Doug, who dropped yet another F-bomb.
I Get So Emotional Baby, Every Time I Think Of You
Doug vs. John
After the dust settled from all the crazy dates, one more gentleman was to be sent home. Emily made it clear that it was between Doug and John, with the Wolf most likely to leave the pack. She didn’t expect to be hit with not one, but TWO funeral cards in John’s wallet. This small peek into his life was enough to leave her confused about her next step.
She had some one-on-one time with Doug, in which she had to physically guide him into showing her some affection. It was very third grade and extremely awkward. He spent his entire interview crying, which I mentally fast-forwarded through. There’s nothing more annoying than a grown man crying on national for no reason (Fear Factor tears are acceptable).
In the end, Emily reached out to No-Rules Chris Harrison who sent a production assistant into a tizzy finding an extra rose so she could keep both bubble boys. I sincerely hope she takes John on a date or else this is another Alejandro situation, and we’ve all seen that episode already.
“I wasn’t expecting Croatia to be….this.”—Travis (Be what? A country?)
“She was kind of shooken up.”—Arie-The-Grammarian
“My gut feeling is that Emily gets the gut feeling about Ryan.”—Jef
“He shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs. Weird.”—Chris (Probably the best thing he’s ever said)
The Still-Standing Six
Doug—Saved By The Belle
Chris—Terrible At All Manly Activities
Arie—Gets Dumber By The Week
Jef—Trust His Gut
Sean—Does He Have Eyebrows?
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