Emily The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

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What Tan?

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The Terrifying Tan Edition

Obviously, all of the men prepped for the Tell-All by following a strict Jersey Shore GTL (gym, tan, laundry) routine. This group logged a lot of hours at the gym, working out their sexual frustrations after being rejected by a girl who barely knew their names. Also, gotta stay in shape in case the producers decide to pull the next Bachelor from this bunch of rejects. There were some serious George Hamilton-style tans…ahem, Ryan…except for Sean, who is clearly the only one with a day job. As Emily pointed out, Kalon spent his “laundry” time at the Prada outlet.

Besides, who needs a wolf in sheep’s clothing when you can have a John “Wolf” in pink pants?

Come On Man, You're Making Me Look Bad!

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Killer Kalon

A lot of time was devoted to Kalon, since he’s a walking advertisement for Bachelor Pad. His relationships with the other dudes were way more interesting than the “baggage” rehashing. First, he declared lifelong friendships with Tony and Chris, who both averted their eyes in shame. The weirdest part was how he periodically kissed Ryan’s butt, and kept looking to him for reassurance. Ryan gave him a confused look at every turn. If you know anything about the homoerotic nature of most serial killers, then you understand why this was so creepy.

At least 30 minutes of the bloated 2-hour special was devoted to replaying the baggage conversation and subsequent exile of Kalon. He half-assed an apology to Emily, which she immediately dismissed by citing recent social media activity by Kalon. It’s a sign of the times my friend. Insincerity used to be a lot easier before the invention of Twitter.

I feel like even Kato Kaelin is ashamed to share a name with that punk.

I Know I Look Good

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Ryan The Reject

There aren’t many positive things to say about Ryan, but two good things came out of his attendance. 1) He laughed at how ridiculously stupid his hair looked all season, making me think he may have a quarter ounce of sense in his brain. 2) Chris Harrison assured the nation that there is no way in hell that Ryan will ever be the Bachelor. My faith in humanity increased a smidgen.

For some strange reason, Ryan was still trying to flirt with Emily. He’s such a creeper. I only wish Chris Harrison would have asked him the location of the training bra he infamously donned so that it could have been burned on national TV.

Who Are You Calling Immature?

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Crazy Chris Still Holds A Grudge

Since Chris was in the room, the topic of maturity arose yet again. How many times can this conversation take place in the universe? He actually admitted to being a complete looney toon during filming, which was a step in the right direction. The ironically immature argument over maturity made the show feel like a Real Housewives reunion, instead of a We-Used-To-Date-The-Same-Girl meeting. I was hoping Andy Cohen would pop out and give us the drinking game word of the night, but I was disappointed yet again.

Watching the Chris rewind only reiterated that he is a big awkward bird. Chris Harrison had a strange exchange with him, which started with the question “do you anger easily?” and ended with a carpe diem rant about friends who have passed away. The big takeaway is that Chris is a mental case, and at least 3 girls on Bachelor Pad were desperate enough to fall for his shenanigans.

Vote For Me

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Sean: The Next Bachelor?

Emily called meeting Sean, “love at first sight.” Their romantic montage and break-up replay brought several women in the live audience to tears. The editors all gave themselves a huge pat on the back for that.

Sean is certainly a fan favorite, and Emily seemed a little sad to see him again. Out of this bunch, he seems like a viable candidate to be the lead next season. The audience’s reaction to the mere mention of his name sure didn’t hurt his chances. On paper he makes sense as the next Bachelor, but I’d much rather them select someone with an actual personality and an interesting job—sorry, insurance doesn’t do it for me. Remember the good old days when the Bachelor had a real job (hello, where are all the doctors?) and a penchant for running topless on the beach to show off his freakishly sculpted pecs? Is it so hard to find one of these Ken dolls that also has a sense of humor and a touch of charisma? It’s like the recession has hit The Bachelor. Sigh.

The entire season, we believed that Sean was Emily’s exact type. However, she had one final revelation--her type is actually tattooed homeless men. Finally, an explanation for Jef being in the finale!

Inappropriate Comments

“F*** y’all”—Emily

“I could be engaged to Kalon…thank god for Doug.”—Emily

“I’m flattered you follow me on Twitter.”--Kalon

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Comments 3 comments

EFranz13 profile image

EFranz13 4 years ago from Pittsburgh, PA - USA

Thanks! Excellent wrap-up.

Your photo captions are great!

Kaylon is an ass.

Chris is an immature psycho.

Sorry, but I like Ryan. Probably because I just plain think he's HOT!!! lol (I guarantee he will be doing Razor commercials, or something like that, sometime soon)

I wouldn't be surprised if Ari was the next Bachelor (because he got his heart broken) - but... I think Seans "character" would be better for the show. In my opinion, he seems a lot more upbeat and interesting than Arie.


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 4 years ago Author

EFranz13--Thanks for the comments! I hope they bring in some fresh meat for the next season, but they love to recycle. Maybe they'll pull someone from Bachelor Pad...I just hope they douse them in clorox before allowing them to touch other human beings :0)


EFranz13 profile image

EFranz13 4 years ago from Pittsburgh, PA - USA

True. LMAO - :)

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