Excrement, Inc. Homepage

WELCOME!

Welcome to the Excrement, Inc. Homepage. Thank you for checking out our informative webpage and clicking on the link. We at Excrement, Inc. appreciate your taking the time to come see the marvels we have to offer you. There are several programs available to you, all of which are easy to learn and quick to earn. All you need is the instructional guide we provide at almost no cost to you at all.

Below are some of our primary programs, and an outline of how the affiliate system can work for you. Please take your time and don't hesitate to contact one of our crap professionals if you have any questions at all. And don't forget: crap is the key!

The Programs

Program 1: Crap Affiliate

For $39.95 we will give you crap absolutely free. We promise that the crap you get from us will be of the highest quality. We are confident that our crap is the best and we have an absolute policy on money back guarantees. This is the most basic of our programs.

Program 2: Crap Mentor

For $79.95 you can become a crap mentor and help distribute crap across the Internet to your family and your friends. Each new affiliate that you bring into Excrement, Inc. counts on your "dollop chart" where we record your Excrement, Inc. "droppings points." Yes, we at Excrement, Inc. like to have fun while we make our fortunes off of you. Your efforts, obviously being what we mean.

 

Program 3: Crap Master

This is the third highest level of crap you can reach. To become a crap master you must meet all the requirements of Programs 1 and 2, AND, you must become completely conversant with all the nuances of the Excrement, Inc Crap4Gas program. You will need a crap master kit to begin, which includes all of the following:

The following materials are required:

.

  1. The official Crap4Gas handbook ..................................................................... $39.95
  2. Excrement, Inc. Sani-plus Crap-gatherer mitts ............. $19.95
  3. Scent-o-Sweet Excrement, Inc. high-tech respiratory shields ...........................................................................$48.95 per box
  4. *Excrement, Inc. Z13 Crap Scooper deluxe ....................$11.95
  5. Excrement, Inc. virgin vinyl, ultra-tough methane conductive tubes .............................................................................$09.95 per box
  6. Excrement, Inc. high capacity crap tank ........................ $23.95

*Act now and receive a bonus Crap Scooper Deluxe at NO CHARGE with your order

If you like money and privilege and being gawked at from across the room by hawt chicks or hawt guys, this is the program for you.

How it works:

Once you have purchased your complete kit, you will find instructions on how to harvest crap in your house and around your neighborhood. Step by step, illustrated guidelines show you how to properly pack crap into your high capacity crap tank, route your methane tubes into your vehicle's fuel rail and ultimately save our world (not to mention a few bucks at the pump).

We hope you like money and privilege and being gawked at from across the room.

Program 4: Crap Ninja

For $1000.00 we will automatically send you everything you need for Programs 1-3 AND we will send you a special Excrement, Inc. ninja suit to wear whenever you leave the house. This stunning ensemble announces to all the world that you have moved past simple crap mastery and now carry the status of ninja instead. Your powers will be formidable and no one will dare cross crap with you. This is a position of power that promises access to anything you want, including saving kittens, puppies and even babies across the world. This is the most desirable Program and should be considered carefully. Be sure you are willing to have this much attention from members of the opposite sex, because as a crap ninja, you will need all your focus to stave their groping hands and open checkbooks off. They aren't just gawking anymore!

We can't promise this last part we're about to bring up, but we believe it is possible that crap ninja's receive occasional emails from God. What can we say? It's just one of those inexplicable things.

Isn't it Obvious?

Excrement, Inc. would like to thank you for coming by and looking at all the exciting things we have to offer you. We appreciate your business too. Please, if you are paying by check, make sure there are adequate funds in your account.

For your convenience, we do offer a program granting us unlimited access to your bank account so that you don't have to be troubled to make payments to your account with us should you need more crap. Oh, and obviously we would be using that to pay you all your huge rewards too when they manifest, which obviously they will for sure.

Thanks again, and have a lovely day.

--The Management

More by this Author


Comments 303 comments

funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal

I don´t understand the tags you chose... I thought this was a great opportunity :D

I must have miss the link but I´m going to read this hub again and I´ll find the "buy this" link this time.

ps, thankfully internet has no smell, yet LOL.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yeah, imagine a site like this without forty-six working buy-now links LOL


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

WOW! I could make a fortune, there's a lot of crap in my neighbourhood, but how do I order?

Thx for the exciting opportunity!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

You bet, Shirley. We at Excrement, Inc. are here for YOU!


mumz 8 years ago

omg you are funny and full of CRAP! :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Mumz, you are correct. I am a crap ninja... you can be too!


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

I was really disappointed with your course.

My goal is to be something more than a Crap Ninja, just wandering the world looking for other peoples crap to harvest.

I have a dream.

I want to produce my OWN crap and become a Crap Sensei.

But I sense we can work together on this.

Perhaps we can become affiliaturd.

 

 

 


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

BTW - You've outdone yourself this time. Love it.


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Shadesbreath! Finally a work from home buz.opportunity that sounds as if it's legit. I can't tell you how often I've been disappointed in the past. Thank you for this awesome opportunity.Please sign me up. I want to get to the top rank as fast as possible.

Nice of you to share this get rich real fast program.

Looking forward to hearing from you real soon

regards Zsuzsy


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Sorry I forgot to ask....'Excrement, Inc. Sani-plus Crap-gatherer mitts' Do these super-duper-pooper mitts come in a fashionable array of color?

Very impressive hub. zs


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Eric, once we recieve your check for the $1000.00 (or the credit card funds are secured) we can begin to discuss ways to further your business opportunities with Excrement, Inc.  Rome was not built in a day.

Zsuzsy,

Yes, we have a fashionable array of two colors presently, blue and white.  When you place your order you will see the option there.  Thank you for your interest in Excrement, Inc. and remember: crap is the key!


dineane profile image

dineane 8 years ago from North Carolina

LMAO! Just what I needed after a very long day on the J.O.B.! I'll be signing up asap :-)


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Question: will I make money off my downline if I manage to recruit about a bazillion other crap affiliates?


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 8 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

I don't know what's the funniest...your hub, your readers' comments, or the Google ads: ads ranging from making millions of dollars to controlling rats. Wait! Maybe that's the point. Maybe Google AdSense got it right.

Fantastic, Shadesbreath. I will think about the opportunities available at Excrement, Inc. every time I walk the doggie and pick up her poop. Her poop could be a supplement to the program, right? To heck with flies eating it, I'm going to put it in its own high capacity crap tank. Recycle, repurpose reuse, I always say. And all Excrement, Inc. needs from me to make it happen is my credit card. What genius!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

@ Dineane

Yes, sign up NOW before the bonus Z 13 Crap Scooper Deluxe offer expires!

@ Shirley,

yes you will. Your downline will feed into many of the rewards you receive (most of which are expanded on in the other Excrement, Inc. hub). Please sign up now so we can start giving you crap.

@ Sally's Trove

Yes, aren't the ads this thing gets fantastic. LOL. It's like a bug zapper, pulling them in and zapping them.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Shadesbreath - if we are going to be affiliaturd, I have something much more valuable than mere money to tempt you to share your secrets.

I have access to a large supply of the rarest crap in the world - Rocking Horse Crap.

I'll send over a kilogram. This is so valuable because it is infinitely compressible. Therefore, you can fit enough into a small container to keep your crap4gas powered car going for several years.

So you see, it's in your best interest for us to be affiliaturd.

You'll find it's better to have me inside your tent pissing out, than outside your tent pissing in.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Well, Eric, you may be familiar with another subsidiary of Global Fecal Enterprises: Urea, LLC. It's a small company, but I'm sure, should you find it necessary to station yourself outside our pavilion and... divest your self of liquidity..., we might find ways to milk said agression to GFE's benefit. Never underestimate GFE!

However, we are interested in your rocking horse idea, and I will forward it to our CEO, Chairman Merde for consideration. At the very least, we might purchase the rights to that idea and sit on them until the world's regular crap supplies run out. No sense skipping over a century of profit just to save a few commoners a buck.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

:lol:

I hadn't realised the extent of the resource base that your fecal tentacles dip into.

And as for the commoners - yeah, let 'em eat cake.

Cow Cake.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

mmm, cake lol


pgrundy 8 years ago

This is exactly what I've been looking for all my life. My dog wants to join too. (He knows about big crap, trust me.)

You mention emails from God--Is there a spiritual aspect to this program that you've forgotten to exploit, um, I mean, fully explain? I smell spirituality here.

If you would like for me to spin this web copy 150 different ways so it will be picked up by Google better, I'll do it for ten bucks through Elance.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

You must be making a fortune with targetted ads like this one:

Dog poo removal

A range of machines manufactered for collecting dog faeces


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Pgrundy, we at Excrement, Inc. would LOVE to have you spin the crap out of our crap. We will gladly pay you for your time with a $20 voucher towards Excrement, Inc. programs, and will throw in a free Crap Scooper deluxe! That's a $31.95 value for ten bucks worth of work!!! Go for it!

Eric, yes we are, but if you continue to reveal the trade secrets we have patented in our Crap4Gas manual, we may be forced to take legal action. Dog poo removal is OUR program and we have all rights reserved. Only people who become affiliates and buy our books should be made aware of that activity. Please refrain from future references to picking up dog poo or litigation may be our only choice.


marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites 8 years ago from USA

Cow Cake, Cow Patties in Oklahoma.

Shadesbreath....I'm catchin' my breath, but slowly, I don't want to breathe too deep here. and Step HIGH, folks if you ain't wearin' yur boots. hahaah


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Buy a Scent-o-Sweet High-tech Respiratory shield, Marisue. The answers are out there, at Excrement, Inc.


Marian Swift profile image

Marian Swift 8 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

Wow, this totally passes the smell test. With distinktion.

Now where did that checkbook of mine bounce off to?


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

@shadesbreath. At least your'e consistent. Even your threats are full of crap.

BTW I'm ROFL laughing at the latest google ad to appear on this hub:

Xocai Healthy Chocolate

Delicious antioxidant chocolate Eat for your health and wealth   

(Wonder what keywords THEY were buying? ? ? ) 

 


robie2 profile image

robie2 8 years ago from Central New Jersey

OHmygosh, Shadesbreath-- I go away for just a week or so and almost miss the opportunity of a lifetime. I definitely want to be a part of the Excrement empire. If I play my cards right, maybe I can take advantage of some of the other great programs offered by Global Fecal Enterprises. I've made such a fortune writing here at hubpages that I want to start right out with Program 4 and get it all for a mere $1000--can't wait for the ninja suit-- so stylish--so powerful--so full of crap. I love it!!!!!!!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Marian Swift's pun scores swiftly with distinktion :)

@ Eric.   Ain't that a kick?  Who isn't ready to click on a chocolate add after reading this hub?  lol.    Google spiders or whatever they call the add maker thingies just aren't equipped to deal with humor.  The adds some of my stuff gets are awesome... I'll die a pauper given that I'm probably riddiculing the very things they're trying to sell, but, alas, such is the price of fun. 

And Robie, welcome back.  You're not too late, though.  We at Excrement, Inc. always have time for your money.  I'm certain you will look stunning as a Program 4 affiliate.  You'll be the envy of your neighborhood as you cartwheel up and down your block dealing death to the doggie dollops on everybody's lawn with your dual-wielded crap scoopers deluxe!


Stacie Naczelnik profile image

Stacie Naczelnik 8 years ago from Seattle

Do you have any scratch 'n sniff products available?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Stacie,

All such inquiries should be made to Global Fecal Enterprises home office, care of R&D in the Department of Flavors and Aromas.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Stacie,

The folks at Excrement have energy conservation in mind.

You don't have to scratch them. Just sniff.


Stacie Naczelnik profile image

Stacie Naczelnik 8 years ago from Seattle

Bummer. I know a third grader who deserves a scratch and sniff.


akeejaho profile image

akeejaho 8 years ago from Some where in this beautiful world!

Idunno, sounds like a load of crap to me.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Eric, you think like a CEO, mayhaps we'll have our HR get in touch with you.

Stacie, is this scratch and sniff a reward or punishment?  lol

Akeejaho, start out as a Program 1 affiliate and try it out.  As you may recall, that program is absolutely free for the most part. Once you try it will know it is truly a load of crap.


DJ Funktual profile image

DJ Funktual 8 years ago from One Nation Under a Groove

This is real genius at work. However I as a fellow peddler of crap, i intend to copy your business model. Or we could do this amicably and you could just hire me.

If it isn't already obvious that I'm full of crap, click here, really it's half the fun!

www.hubpages.fakelink.com


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

DJ, we appreciate your enthusiasm, and there is no doubt that you are full of crap with the best of us.  The best way to get "hired" with us is to become an affiliate.  Consider becoming a crap master or crap ninja and put your crap to work!


Lissie profile image

Lissie 8 years ago from New Zealand

Oh crap: or as we say in NZ poos,bums,wees! Have I think I am too late to win big with the affiliate sales others have got on the first tier before me. Crap, crap, crap, perhaps I can make a small suggestion? Video marketing is the new buzz and I really think you need to add this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ6N5m8FpVg


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Lissie,

While the leap from spam to crap is large, the redundancy is not, and I support anything Monty Python purely on the premise of their absolute genius, so, I give the video a nine stools out of ten rating.


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

The leap from spam to crap is large? Oh, not really, no I don't think so.


Bob Ewing profile image

Bob Ewing 8 years ago from New Brunswick

Hey crap sells, thanks for the laughs.


Lilymag profile image

Lilymag 8 years ago from Upstate New York

Wow! I thought my husband was full of crap, boy was I wrong!


rmr profile image

rmr 8 years ago from Livonia, MI

I grunted over this one for a long time, but I think it will be the best $1,000 I ever threw down the crapper! Send my ninja kit, NOW!!!


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

Wow! There was a lot crap here. Some of that crap was really expensive, too! But, I think it's worth it, cause there's a lot of crap in the world and I plan to harvest every bit of it and become Crap Sensei Master, and kick the crap outta Eric.

Hee-hee-hee!


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 8 years ago from West Virginia

This was hilarious!! Some of this crap is true!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Shirley, "not" and "no" worked just right in that to make me laugh. Nice use of voice. lol

ty Bob, happy to oblige

Lilymag, never underestimate a man's crap reserves, but I thank you for the assessment LOL.

RmR, we at Excrement, Inc. appreciate your ... efforts... on our behalf. Your ensemble is in the mail.

CW, we could make Excrement, Inc. hazmat suits to sell to the crowd for protection against flying doo-doo, and then stage the combat between you and Eric as entertainment at an Excrement, Inc. "meet and greet."

Heh heh, yeah, Lady Guinevere, almost scary in a way. lol. Thanks for the comment.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

I love it! 

Hey Eric, ya big cream-puff, what say you?! 

Ah, absent, I see!  Me thinks thy spine tis as yellow as a ... big, uh... yellow something-or-other.


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Excrement.inc meet and greet! How lovely...I want front seat tickets please. I'll be arriving in the crap-proof mobile (obviously crap-gas powered)

zs


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

@ Constant Walker

Grasshopper, you speak with the innocent courage of youth.

You have obviously not learned that age and treachery will defeat youth and skill every time.

I have now paid over $50,000 to Excrement Inc, and have gone WAY past Sensei level.

In fact, I now know more than Shadesbreath about crap, and he and his minions have seen the limitations of their little global empire.They have now joined me in my burning passion of spreading crap intergalactically.

And Constant Walker, (or Constant Crawler as you will known after our bout) will have the honour of being the hood ornament on the maiden voyage of my space machine the "Turdis".

(I hope that your friend the Donkey will be at the meet and greet with plenty of towels, bandages, splints, and adrenalin capsules. I want you to survive until you are bolted to the roof of the Turdis)

 

 


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I have ordered the t-shirts, caps and frisbees for this CW vs. EG event, they are being made as we speak. I have also put out a call for some bikini model auditions. We are going to create a team of Crap Girls to provide extra publicity and appeal at this and future Excrement, Inc. events.


SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

Glad you exposed another scam here.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I think I am the scam this time LOL


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Bikini clad girlies? Where is equality here? If you spend your life essence into this deal-ee-oo you might consider pleasing all...huncky guys (not pretty boys) need to be on the menu too...

not just a customer's opinion but an affiliates

regards Zsuzsy


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Something doesn't smell quite right, here. But I am sending along my (ok, someone else's) credit card info, with cautious optimism.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

EG, I laugh at your hollow words:  Ha-ha! 

And again, Ha-ha!!

Because I know something you don't!  I was the test subject for the Excrement Program. Yes that's right!  The original, and only TRUE Excrement Sensie Master - to the Nth degree!

You, and your minions, are but bugs to me, to be squished, nay squashed!, beneath my pinky finger.

One more time, Ha-ha!!!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Zsuzsy,

Of course, you are absolutely correct and the administrator who argued with me when I suggested the man-toy idea has had his ninja suit revoked.  Thanks to your valuable affiliate input, the Crappin'dale Dancers idea is back on the table, as it were, and they will be at the event as well.

B.T.,

We at Excrement, Inc. don't care whose credit card number it is, just so long as it works.  Welcome to the program!

CW,

After you squash the minions, be sure to get your Excrement, Inc. fingernail brush with your 10% affiliate discount:

Excrement, Inc. Craptastic Fingernail Brush .......   $12.95

Affiliate discount ..................................................  -$1.29

Net price .............................................................   $11.66

(Don't forget to select your insured shipping choice with your order)


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

How about my front row tickets? I requestedthem 14 hour ago...please don't tell me that you're sold out. My crap-gas powered car is 'gassed-up' and ready to go.

zs


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

Mine was supposed to be free - for squashing the minions. Don't pretend you weren't in on this!

...Besides, I'm broke from getting my Excrement Sensei Master, to the Nth Degree, degree. Could you front me a twenty?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Your tickets were sent, Zsuzsy. You should have gotten them by now. I hope you bought shipping insurance for them!

CW, in the interest of fair competition, we are unable to provide you with a free Excrement, Inc. Craptastic Fingernail brush, a $12.95 value, without being required by company policy to do likewise for your competitor. We do not wish to appear as if we are taking sides in this combat, so you will be responsible for providing your own.

A $20.00 loan can be arranged through Excrement, Inc. Financial services, however. Please call 1-800-FOR-CRAP to apply.


Rob Jundt profile image

Rob Jundt 8 years ago from Midwest USA

Outstanding!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I was wondering about alternate forms of payment. I wanted to purchase tickets to the big event, but, in a feeding frenzy, I seem to have eaten the cash that was set aside for this purpose. Given the name of you enterprise, I was thinking that I could still recover said cash, and mail it to you. Some time tomorrow, I'm thinking.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

Too funny! I got nothin' ...for now.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yes, B.T. why don't you complete the cash recovery process then take the, erm, output of your efforts to the bank and make a, uh, deposit. We'll be all set for a direct cash transfer from there. Good thinking!

CW... I'm waiting.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I'm afraid that I would lose a fortune, what with the exchange rate and all. Perhaps you could just send the tickets, and when I get my high-capacity crap tank, I'll just send it right back with all of the dividends inside. I may have neglected to mention that, in the course of the aforementioned feeding frenzy, I may have also ingested 3 gold bracelets, and a Rolex. In light of this, I think you will be more than satisfied with the transaction.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Well, being that you are a jackalope and we do have special policies regarding jackalopes that allow for easy credit terms, we'll send the tickets to you in anticipation of your passing that Rolex along.


quensday profile image

quensday 8 years ago from New York

Wow, Shadesbreath, you are hilarious. Do you have a program for strong people who can handle more? I'm talking about horse crap magnitude


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

As a crap ninja, you will have the power to do anything.


quensday profile image

quensday 8 years ago from New York

If I call within the next 30 minutes, can I have another Crap Ninja package sent to my best friend?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Of course you can, just so long as one of you includes the requisite $1000.00. However, if you buy three additional crap ninja suits, we will include a ninja suit for your dog, cat, hamster or parakeet for no additional fee. (We are out of fish ninja suits at present, sorry).


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I have just received my Crap Ninja kit, with 3 (odd number?) tickets to the big fight enclosed. I am simply amazed at the crapsmanship that went into the manufacture of these items. I am presently wolfing down fiber supplements, as well as several brands of uuuuuuuh...digestive aids, to expedite the..... uh-oh!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Sorry about that, but I have suddenly "liberated" a rolex, a couple of bracelets, a small sum of cash and... Hey, how'd that get in there? Fortunately, my high capacity tank was at hand, and the recently liquidated assets will be in the mail, in short order. Thank you for extending credit to this poor Jackalope! Happily, things (as they always do) worked themselves out in the end.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Anything for an affiliate!!!

p.s. please thoroughly clean the Rolex before mailing your payment.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Shadesbreath, you are SO gullible.

B.T. Evilpants has been scamming honest, hardworking marketers like yourself with his "I accidentally ate my money - here's a Rolex instead" scam for ages.

This evil Jackalope character is SO full of crap that if it were helium, he'd be able to fill the Graf Zeppelin.

You'll never get your delivery. He'll just give you loads of excuses saying "The Crap Is In The Mail"

Good luck with the fake Rolex. It's probably from the cheap batch that has "ROXLE" on the dial. ROFLMAOAYG

(Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off At Your Gullibility )

I'm sending a receipe for Jackalope Stew in a separate email. You may find that handy.

 

P.S. You may wonder how come I know so much about this?

Well, he Hasn't paid me yet for the last batch of watches, which I supplied him at a very cheap price due to a small manufacturing error caused by a dyslexic ex employee.

And CW: re your foolhardy comment about our impending bout:

What a load of crap.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Well, when he arrives security will deal with him should it turn out to be true. Excrement, Inc. doesn't take lightly to being scammed!!!! Thanks for the heads up.


Squimpleton profile image

Squimpleton 8 years ago from New York

This brought a smile to my face after a yucky day :) This is great, wonderful fake-company hub.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

"Fake?" You mean you doubt this crap is true? lol


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

EG, I am appalled that you would raise such allegations. You, sir, are a Jackaphobe of immense proportions! I also must warn you, that I have family and friends on every continent, who fight tirelessly to defeat Jackaphobes, and anti-lopes of every kind. Perhaps I detect a Jackalope somewhere in your lineage? I urge you to cease this effort to slander the good name of Evilpants, or I shall taunt you a second time!

Shadesbreath, I assure you that the crap I have sent is genuine. Beautifully crafted, with no misspellings. However, in the event that some nefarious postal worker has corrupted the package, and removed the inner workings of said Rolex, well, I can hardly be held responsible for that. As for the charges levelled by EG, he has been sending his people to badger me for months. Just yesterday, I had to send my werefrog friend after one of them. Poor guy already had a broken leg, but when he saw the werefrog, he fell over, and broke the other one!


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Mr. B.T. Evilpants.

You are a bounder and a cad.

My efforts to bring you to ground will soon be successful.

My detective agency, Green Tree In The Ground, (with branches in all states, and roots in all suburbs) is closing in on you.

And your brown ninja suit disguise will do you no good.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Sir, it is only fair to warn you, that i am a VERY important figure in the GCS (Global Cryptid Community), and the IBC (International Brotherhood of Cryptids). I have close ties to some very nasty Aussie creatures. If, by chance, you are not familiar with the Bunyip, and the Drop Bear, I strongly suggest that you GOOGLE them. It would be wise for you to prepare for their special brand of evil. If you choose to continue this anti-cryptid campaign, I will be forced to issue the call to arms.

Cordially

B.T.


rmr profile image

rmr 8 years ago from Livonia, MI

Testimonial: I have just received my first affiliate payment! Much larger than I ever expected, although it seems to have been deposited into my savings account, directly from my checking. I'm sure this is simply a coincidence. I can't thank you enough for this incredible opportunity! I have referred 47 of my closest friends (perhaps my future payments could come from their accounts?).

P.S.- Do I have to report my earnings as "crapital gains?"


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

RmR, thanks for that splendid craptimonial!  And yes, of course it is a coincidence that your deposit came from your savings to your checking.  Normally it's done the other way and we certainly apologize.  To rememdy this error we will undo this mistake, and will transfer twice your earnings when we make the correct deposit to your savings to your checking.  And once we get your friends' account numbers, you can be sure we'll be able to manage your second request.

As for BT and Eric, well, Eric, how many matches you plan on fighting at our event anyway?


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I do not mind waiting for Eric to finish his first match, before I get hold of him. I am very patient. As a matter of fact, anyone else who would like a piece of him, and I suspect there are many, is welcome to jump ahead of me. I am more than happy to wait my turn. Once he is worn out... I mean warmed up, I'll be there, willing to take up the fight!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Brave semi-bunny that you are. lol.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Constant Wanker (er Walker), Evilpants, etc.

Your taunts are like the finest gossamer strands beating against hardened steel.

You cannot imagine the forces that will be unleashed against you.

All I'm going to say is that when I'm done, you, BT,  will be eligible to join the Global Cryptorchid Community.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

Ha-ha! 'Wanker' I love it... made me laugh... pretty funny Grodies, I mean, Graudins.  Such sharp wit ...for a man who will soon be but a brown stinky smudge, like a racing stripe in a fat man's tighty-whities.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Eww, the taunting has gotten dirty now.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

"tighty-whities" ? The mind boggles. 

Shadesbreath,

Just make sure there's a big enclosed cage around the venue so that these characters can't escape.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

We have Excrement, Inc. bulldozers and backhoes digging out a giant pit arena as we speak. The lot of you will be thrown down there together and the winner will be tossed a rope.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Sounds like my kind of venue! I spent several years as a pit-fighter. Armpits, mostly, but same idea. From earlier comments, I might surmise that CW will be...preoccupied. Are there rules regarding foreign objects?


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

By the way, if I'm getting thrown into this crap pit match, do I get refund on my tickets? I assume you do not need tickets if you are in the pit.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Foreign objects are required.  At least one per combatant.

And you need tickets to get here. :P


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I hope they needn't be inanimate. I have some devilish ideas going through my head, at the moment!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

No, the more creative, the better. Size is also not an issue.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

The only "foreign objects" will be hurtling dingle-berries to blind your eyes! That's right, I said it! Whatcha gonna do about it?!

Bring it on, Vilepants!

..."It's what? 'Evilpants'? I don't get it - is that good or bad? What kind of name is that? It's who? well... Oh, I am? Shit!"

As I was saying... if you mess with Crap Sensei Master Nth, Infinity ...and a bag of chips (or something like that!) you get the dingle-berries.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Let me ask you this, CW. If you are up to your chin in a crap pit, and a jackalope throws a bucket of bat guano at you, do you duck? I think we'll find the answer, soon enough!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

What an interesting visual that question creates.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

Can a jackalope even hold a bucket of bat guano?

I think not!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

It could scoop up the handle in it's antlers?


rbnstr08 profile image

rbnstr08 8 years ago from Philippines

The first line said it all:

Program 1: Crap Affiliate

For $39.95 we will give you crap absolutely free.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

LOL, thanks for noticing that, Rbnstr08. That's probably the line I'm most proud of. Heh.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I have noticed this scam that is being perpetrated on hubpages. I also know that the headquarters for this load of crap is in the Texas Desert. If you don't refund all of the moneys colllected forthwith I will have no option but to call out the guard to arrest everyone at the the crap shoot event and drop a noocileer weapon of Morass destruction on the headquarters; spray crap far and wide thus fertilising the desert. We will then drop water bombs on the desert ending up in a green desert.

You can then subcribe to the greening of the desert project authorised by no less than Dubya, commander in chief, who requested that I send this communique!


magnoliazz profile image

magnoliazz 8 years ago from Wisconsin

LOL..


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Sixy, Excrement, Inc. and it's parent company Global Fecal Enterprises have been sitting across the table shooting crap with the greatest crapmasters on the globe, as was discussed on the Excrement, Inc. benefits page

http://hubpages.com/entertainment/Make-Money-NOW-a...

So, given that we have access to the military of all world governments, AND, given that we do get the occasional email from God, Excrement, Inc. will see to it that the missiles are shot down, and, should annihilation take place, we will simply have God ressurect us anyway. 

Don't fight this kind of power, Sixty.  You can't.  Join us. Just us and be one with the brown side of the force.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

Not to worry. We have an "Operative" in South Africa. Sixty, the Crap is about to hit the Sudan.


SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

Very good and amusing hub. I love it.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

CW, you know not the powers you and Sixty risk unleashing. You think your silly nuclear bombs or hydrogen bombs, whatever your "operative" can get stand a chance against an Excrement, Inc. XG-46 Methane bomb? I think you fool yourself my friends.

SweetiePie, thanks, I'm glad you had a little fun with the silliness here :)

Not that it's silliness of course, being the genuine business interest that it is, etc. and so on.


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

Shadesbreath, dumkauff! The threat was against Sixty, on BEHALF of Crap, Inc. Remember me; Crap Sensei Master, Nth, Bag 'o Chips, all that rot? Shall I send a transcript?

Sheesh, I've got to start hanging with a brighter bunch of ne'er-do-wells...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I thought you turned on us, as loyalty's footing can be squishy in the crap fields.

(Either that or my critical reading skills are at a low ebb this morning due to a... long evening heh)


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

@ sixtyorso

Gave me a great laugh when you quoted Dubya as sending missiles against the HQ of GFE.

You've been conned by him. He must really hate you.

I'll let you into a little secret.

Dubya is the silent partner is all this, and is the right hand man of Shadesbreath. After all, NOBODY in the world knows more about flogging crap than good old Dubya.

Did you hear his best one yet, when he said today that the US financial system was sound.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Too much! ROFLMAO.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Ok Ok Guys I have just had another load of crap from Washington. Dubja says and I quote " we cannot s(h)it and shoot Crap with these infidels, we must protect the Crapitalist interests of the YOU ESS SAY! Nuke em I say" " I don't know these people" " I have never had social intercourse with 'em" "they are misquoting me"

"The IRS has no record of these people. NUKE em send out the militia. get Condolesa to use her rice to flood the Crap farms!"

So now who do I believe? Shadesbreath I will join you against the common enema. But I must be given a postion on top of the crap heap! We will all end up on a slippery slope! We must prevent he turd force from attacking!!!

Give 'em gas guys!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Hey, pal; if you want to be king of this particular hill, You have to jump into the muck with everyone else. You will have to come and take your chances in the pit. Be forewarned, it's a crapshoot!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yes, Sixty, BT is right. Come to the meet-and-greet and you will be tossed in the pit with the rest them.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

OK, I turned up at the pit at the appointed time.

Obviously I've intimidated the hell out of CW and that midget antelope because they weren't there. And sixtyorso probably was at a meeting with Dubbya and didn't show up either.

So I claim the Crown of Crap, and will wear it proudly.

Thanks to everyone else who was there. It was great meeting all the other Global affiliates, and we certainly laid some pipe after the meet and greet, didn't we!

Thanks to GFE for putting on this wonderful event.

Hanshi Eric G.

10th Dan Black Belt (Brown stripe)

Supreme CRAP sensei and Overlord of the Galaxy.

Conqueror of Jackalopes, Friend of Affiliates, and Protector of Blowflies.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Eric, you know I love you man, but, umm, all those people at the "meet and greet" you attended were the construction folks and plumbers installing the drain in the pit... and the, uh.. Jackalope you beat down thinking it was BT was a little girl carrying a Bullwinkle doll, the daughter of what wasnt' CW, but was actually the VP of Marketing for Global Fecal who'd come to check out the progress of the pit.  You're a month early, chief.

While we appreciate your enthusiasm, I have to say, nice work, dude.  Do you have any idea how much explaining I have to do?


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

OMG what a hoot. I cannot write anything because I am limp from laughing!

This would make a great video for Utube. The star would have to be Steve Martin (AKA as Eric) Shadesbreath could be played by C3PO or one of the alien3 monsters. CW by Wookie, and Jackalope by (or the little girl) by Will Smith's precocious daughter! Now picture that. The crap could be played by one of Steve Jobs' vitual reality programs. I would of course be played by myself as there is only one of me!But.. Dubja culd be my stunt double!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Sixty, get the funding and cast together for the movie and we'll run with that idea. I like it! Although I think George Clooney or Mathew McConnahay (however you spell it) would be more aesthetically suited to capture the essence of me.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

@ shadesbreath who said "You've a month early chief"

Crikey I'm an idiot.

I plain forgot that you Yankees are a month behind Australian time!

Never mind, I'll be there on the appointed day.

(Psst. That Evilpants character has published a hub. He's strutting about over there like Lord Muck. Cheeky bugger. Or did he purchase your new "Baron of Crap" extension package which entitles him to behave like that? )

Movie! . Hmm. Would be good to have a film crew at the meet and greet. Probably the guys from Bum Fights would be good to shoot the new series "Crap Fights".


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yes, Evilpants is definately full of crap now. Oh, and if you really are a month in the future, why don't you tell me who wins some big sporting events so I can go make some bets. We can work out a system, split profits etc. And wtf is Bum Fights?


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Eric, as you did not return to learn where you went wrong with your stew, I can only assume your party was an abysmal failure. So sorry.

Shadesbreath, Jackalopes are quick learners, and I have learned from the master. You appear to have created a veritable crap monster. I thank you for the education! I have cancelled my order for the Baron of crap package, as I expect to be seated upon the "throne" of the Emporer of Crap, in the near future.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

@ Shadesbreath:

Yes, we are a month in the future, but Australian laws prevent disclosure of the results of future sporting events to non residents.

However, I have obtained a special exemption to let you know the result of my forthcoming event with B.T. Evilpants.  (For licensing purposes, the pit will legally become my backyard for the duration of the contest.)

http://taseric.com/lope.gif

Bum Fights? Search for it at http://JustBloodyGoogleIt.com

@ B.T. - You are correct - Jackalope Stew was not served at my party yesterday, but it was not a failure.

See your hub at http://hubpages.com/literature/BT--True-Hollywood-


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

How weird, I swear I posted an unbelievably witty response to you two a week ago.  Apparently I neglected to push the right button.  Clearly the operation of a gianormous legitimate business interest as this distracted me.  So insert something just hilarious and pretend the timing is not completely off now.  /sigh


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

At least one hub here that Spryte has not discovered yet! gloat gloat!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I am experiencing uncontrollable fits of laughter, due to the clever reply you intended to post, Shadesbreath. It would have been so funny, as to inspire a hub unto itself.

As an aside, have you considered exploiting further revenue possibilies from this massive Excrement inc sanctioned event? I'm thinking pay per view. If WWE can get 50 bucks for Wrestlemania, You can certainly get more than that for this extravaganza!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yeah, Sixty, I reckon she'll stumble upon this at some point and bring on some more rapier wit with which to fence, adding to the fray. Can't wait. I hope she reads the other once first though just so the effort wasn't totally for nothing lol. I still think puppy shakes is hilarious. /sigh. Humor is so fickle.

And BT, I knew you would appreciate the pure comedic genius of that unposted comment I would have made. It was truly inspired wit, even if I do say so myself.

I'll look into what PPV will pay, and I'm thinking of talking to some of my boys in Vegas to see if they want a piece of this too.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

@ shadesbreath.

So - you thought you replied and didn't.

Pushed the wrong button.

Well that rates right up there with "The dog ate my homework".

It's OK. We're your friends. We understand that the combined force of myself and B.T. Evilpants was too much for you to take, and overloaded your few remaining brain cells.

We'll try not to stress you out too much in future.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Eric, perhaps his oversight is a sign of weakness. If we stop bickering, and join forces, we could stage a hostile takeover!


Jewels profile image

Jewels 8 years ago from Australia

So sorry for my late arrival, I've been dealing with constipation. Now the crap is flowing freely again I request speedy delivery of the Crap Ninja package. Don't worry about the God email link, I already have that. God has given me a blessing to excel at crap in the pursuit of perfection. May the force be with us.

In acknowledgement of my wadding knee deep in crap for a good length of time, I seriously genuinly really truly want an Excrement Inc T shirt. When is this item going into RR production? I will wear it with pride as a reminder that crap happens and when crap isn't happening I can be assured that this state of uncrapness is but a void which will be filled very quickly with more crap.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Shades the harbinger has arrived! I am also trembling in my boots with the thought that a Jackalope and an Australian (who by anecdotal evidence is a lover of Kangaroos and dingoes -aren't all Aussies?) are going to join forces! OMG maybe some of the other hubbers (names withheld for fear of reprisals) are right and this is part of the conspiracy of wealth. The Illuminati are coming to light up the Crap farms. Or maybe they will leave us alone seeing as all we have left is a pile of crap at the top of the Pyramid (I dare not say MLM scheme!). Offload lots of goods on Jewel!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Ah yes, the old conspiracy theory resurfaces. I heard about this at the last meeting of the Bilderberg Group. Not to worry. My recent appointment to the Trilateral Commission wil ensure complete objectivity and fairness in all matters.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

OMG you admit this! Who have we (that is me and my paranoid alter ego) got to turn to now! Dubja is not talking to me either after I warned you he was going to nuke the meet and great site. He tells me that he is being threatened with another impeachment hearing over Crap Inc. and is mad at me other this issue. Also my hint that Rice may be used as a secret weapon definitely did not curry any favours.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

They don't call me Evilpants for nothin'.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Stop bickering and join forces? Sounds like a plan B.T. Hmm. You and me up the top of the New World Order !

I reckon poor ol' Shadesbreath is losing the plot in a big way. Just look at the way he's cultivatin all these young ladies lately.

Methinks he's had a swelled head ever since the number of his fans reached the same number as his I.Q.

@ sixtyorso: That Rice lady is in Australia. Please get someone to take her home.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

We would hold absolute power. The opposition seems to be shrinking, as the event nears. Even Constant Walker seems to have taken a hike. If we play our cards right, we can throw SB, and sixty into the pit to duke it out. The winner retains a seat on the board, while the loser is flushed into obscurity.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

@ Sixty

DOn't worry about Eric and BT joining forces. Even united they have not the bowels to take on the might of Excrement, Inc. When the time comes, they will be pushed into the pit and, after we laugh at them and cheer them to mutual annihilation, the winner will stand alone, triumphant for the moment as the bulldozers push the ponderous piles of poo back into the pit. Until then it's just a lot if hot air from them, or methane... whatever. It does make a pretty blue flame when you light it though. You see that? So cool.

As for the "cultivating" thing, Eric, I cultivate nothing. The fecund nature of Excrement, Inc. has an essence that draws females, flies and fighters in equal measure and quite outside any efforts of mine. The combatants just showed up first. Be glad that the fairer sex has arrived, they will oogle in awe once you and BT oil up and go all gladiator in the Pit of Poop. To the victor go the spoils. Or, in the absense of spoils, maybe a t-shirt or something while I take the ladies out on the Excrement, Inc. yacht.

And yeah, BT, I think you guys scared the pants off of CW. However, I will have nothing to do with the pit so, if he don't show, well, the easier for you both. As a high-ranking and powerful, uh, ranking member of Excrement, Inc. it would be beneath my dignity to grapple in the poo pit with you. I must hold myself aloof and stuff.

@ Eric

Your comment just proves how little you know. I haven't had a braincell for at least four years, possibly longer, so, hah, nice try pal.

@ Jewels

I'm so happy to hear that everything came out smoothly in the end. You have no idea how worried we all were.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Dear Sirs:

It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter.

Upon initially discovering your product(s) I was overjoyed. At last, the solution to my problem was at hand. Without hesitation, I plunked my life’s savings down and invested in Program #3. I would have gone for Program #4, but (and I mean no disrespect) the ninja suit did not come in any color that I found even remotely flattering.

Upon the arrival of my equipment, I proceeded to build my excremental empire. With five cats and three litter boxes, there was more than enough material to harvest right beneath my nose…so to speak. I was so sure of my success that I quit my job. If I was going to make tons of money dealing with crap…it may as well be my own crap and nobody else’s crap.

The start up was a bit rough as the manuals didn’t seem to anticipate such things as clumping cat litter and other foreign materials, such as hairballs and half-digested pieces of houseplant, which sullied the purity of the final product. The mitts came in handy…but you may want to redesign the scooping device to incorporate a claw mechanism (just a thought). Switching to non-clumping cat litter helped as well. I’d recommend Fresh Step (tm etc) since the blue particles really stand out and the odor capturing crystals don’t hurt either!

Well, with the kinks worked out, business was humming along nicely. Even my husband got in on the action. Before this capitalistic venture, we’d always fight over who had to scoop the crap out of the boxes, but since this was now an investment in our future, he was only too eager to harvest the daily yield…and even insisted that he could do it better.

I should have known this was just too good to be true. There came a day when I went to gather up the crap that had accumulated overnight and to my dismay, there was not a single dollop to be found in any of the three boxes. I sifted like a mad woman…but all I could find was a petrified piece that had clung to the underside of the rim.

Needless to say, despite their protestations, I examined my little poop machines for problems. I poked them, I squeezed them, I turned them over to see if there was any blockage…and after applying numerous bandages (boy those suckers put up a fight, don’t they?) I came to the conclusion that their stool had simply evaporated or perhaps was absorbed back into their systems for some complex biological purpose.

The only solution I could come up with was to increase the input…thus, hopefully, increasing the output. I tried Friskies, Tender Vittles, Fancy Feast…even some rather expensive albacore tuna that I’d been saving for lunch…all to no avail. Each morning I’d snap on my mitts, grab my little shovel and …nothing.

I suspected that perhaps the cats were holding out on me. I wasn’t sure exactly how…perhaps they were hiding their crap or holding it in…but I was determined to solve this mystery. One night, I waited until I was sure the cats would think I was asleep…and then I snuck out, wedged myself behind the couch with my flashlight and waited.

Sure enough, it didn’t take long before I heard the sound of little claws on plastic and the shuffling of non-clumping cat litter. In one quick movement, worthy of a ninja even though I didn’t have the uniform, I leaped up, flicked on the flashlight and yelled, “Aha!”

My beam sliced through the dark and revealed the culprit. Her back legs were sticking out of the cat litter box…but when she heard the “Aha!” she turned around…revealing the rather fresh-looking piece of crap held in her mouth.

That’s right…it was the dog.

She yelped and dropped her prize…racing away as fast as her little thieving legs could carry her. Not to be deterred, I followed the bandit to her kennel hideout. This must be where my product had been stashed. I reached in with my hand and felt about…

No…I didn’t find any crap…but I did find one size XXXXXS ninja suit in a lovely shade of chartreuse. When did you start carrying this color?

I have checked Nacho into the Cesar Millan Center, taken away her debit cards and closed her bank accounts. She will no longer be participating in your program. I appreciate your understanding as my husband and I strive to rehabilitate her.

As for myself…I’m still rather pissed about the fact that the chartreuse ninja suit is not available in MY size…

Sincerely,

spryte


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Dear Spryte,

Understand this: Excrement, Inc. considers Nacho to be one of our finest affiliates.  Excrement, Inc. and parent GFI view your interference in her crap business as an interference in OUR business and this crap will not be taken sitting down.

Perhaps instead of condemning her you could take her example and be a bit more proactive yourself.  By having only committed to level 3 yourself, you can't hope to fathom the deep mysteries that Nacho gained access to when she committed to becoming a crap ninja.  Look in the mirror Spryte, there lies the problem, not with poor Nacho who sits in a padded room at the Cesar Millan Center likely wondering if her great fecal empire is drying out and becoming flakey with neglect.

(Oh, and aren't those chartreuse ninja suits lovely?  But they only come in animal sizes, sorry.  We are committed to brown for our human affiliates as it most embodies the bulk of what we produce.)

Let Nacho go.

Sincerely,

The Management


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Dear Mgmt of Excrement Inc:

I regret to inform you that things have spiraled out of my control. Yes, the sh*t has hit the proverbial fan.

Evidently, the staff at the Cesar Millan Clinic became suspicous when Nacho could produce no evidence of medical insurance and decided to investigate further. It turns out that Nacho is in the country illegally...

Despite the fact that like other illegal immigrants she was willing to take the crap jobs, because of your venture, it seems that everyone wants a crap job now. So, in the interest of this country's economics, Nacho is being deported.

You have only yourself and your greed to blame,

Sincerely,

spryte

PS: She's Nacho dog anyway...she's mine. (sorry...couldn't resist)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Dear Spryte,

Good. We are happy to take the "blame." Free of your meddling, Nacho will be able to recommence her business and build her own successful crap empire. She may not be our dog, as you pointed out, but it's Nacho money either. :P

Perhaps now that she has been liberated from your attempts to stymie her wealth and prosperity, you can continue building your personal empire again. As a crap ninja you can do much if you just send in the thousand bucks.

Sincerely,

The management


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Ah Spryte.

ROFLMAO.

You've certainly raised the level of debate in here by a few nachos.

In fact, I'm recommending you for the plain white jumpsuit (with bib) bestowed on only the highest level of Crap Ninjas - those who can crap and dribble at the same time.

And don't worry about sending Shadesbreath the thousand dollars. You've provided way more than that in entertainment value to the staff and affiliates of Excrement Inc. and GFE.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Eric, I will thank you to not so freely dismiss our profits because you have been amused. If you would like to make a donation on Spryte's behalf, we will happily take the payment from you. But payment must be made. It's nacho money, frankly.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Eric - Thank you! I must admit white is a very becoming color on me.

Shade - Obviously you do not realize how cheaply you would be getting off with just the "donation" of a ninja suit.

Nacho was never good at commands like "STAY, Nacho...STAY!" She was nabbed while attempting to cross into AZ (..it had nothing to do with the fact that I was on the other side with a milkbone dog biscuit saying, "Wanna cookie? Do ya? Nacho want a cookie? Good girl!).

Homeland Security is very interested in her suddenly. Hmmm...I wonder why? Might have something to do with hiring an illegal immigrant...maybe yes, maybe no.

Of course, if she suddenly were muzzled...all your potential problems could disappear like that! *snaps fingers*

Think about it...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Excrement, Inc. has lawyers on retainer, not to mention powerful lobbies and bribed officials in all governments and their agencies... all paid for with the vast wealth we amass by NOT giving our crap away for free. So when you're done snapping those fingers of yours, wrap them around a pen and write a check so you can have your ninja suit so much sooner. (Or see if you can get Eric to bust out and buy you one. He's got more money than god.)


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Yes I have got more money than him.

But only because God is broke after making subprime investments in a number of religions that did not heed the basic principles contained to in the statement "Thou shalt not covet thine choirboys' asses".

OK Spryte, I'll cover your ninja fees.

And those for anyone else who can come up with a good story of why I should do so.

[Visible only to Spryte mode =ON]

His problems are only starting.

I'll humour poor old shades until BT and I take over GFE, and he'll find himself out of a jo.

[/Visible only to Spryte] 


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Eric that is very kind of you. In fact, I have a story for you. There are a thousand children in our local area who would love to learn the value of entrepreneurial enterprise. I think it would be excellent of you to cover their fees. I'll be certain to tell them it was you.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Thank you Eric! :) I've never had a sugar dadd...err...sponsor before!

:P Shade

[Visible only to Eric mode = ON]

*nods thoughtfully*

Good plan...

If you require my services, I'm always available to provide a distraction.

[/Visible only to Eric]


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I give up! the masters of bull sh*t have arrived and the fight is once again tied up with the bloody legal guys. I think Dubja was right Nuke the lot them. A fight in the pit is beneath my dignity. Like the soldier I think this must be my last post!


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

@Shadesbreath.

I'd love to help the kids learn the value of entrepreneurial enterprise. Can you please ask each of them to write a 10,000 word story about why they should receive free training in Crap Ninja Skills.

When they're done, send them to Spryte, who will proof read them, critically assess their artistic merit, and check for spelling mistakes.

Spryte - can you then forward legible, artistic, and corectly spelled entries to sixtyorso. As he is not posting here anymore, he'll have plenty of time to evaluate them against the "good story" criteria, and forward  them to my special sub committee for final selection of ninja fee reimbursement.

This special committee shall consist of B.T. and myself. So if you want any fees from this Shadesbreath, you better just - better just.

Well, you had just better just.

Ah, I love the smell of Red Tape in the morning!


Ananta65 8 years ago

Ever since I joined the Stay Home and Increase Turnover program I have taken a healthy suspicious attitude towards initiatives such as your own. I feel compelled to warn the general public. Especially since your affiliates show a stunning lack of business ethos, which is highly contagious. Be aware that I will be observing closely and critically.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Ouch I did not think I would be punished for a pun! Soldier last post get it! But as I really enjoy Sprite (not in the biblical sense you understand) I would undertake that as a labour of love recompensed by a suitable fee of course. I could not bear to see loves labour lost!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I think that's fantastic Eric, and I will just. So, yeah, I will.

Sixty,I see your quitting this thread lasted about as long as me quitting drinking after my last hangover. Way to hang in there man!

And Ananta, for you all I can say is, observe away. If you had no success with your turnover program, you probably weren't doing it right. It sounds like a fantastic program with many angles you could have taken to wealth while reducing turnover. In fact, you probably could have started a pastry business and made apple turnovers, thus increasing turnovers while staying home and decreasing corporate ones. Hell, toss in a nap two or three times a day, turning over in your sleep, and you could double and triple the number of turnovers while still decreasing turnover. You would have been a zillionair were it not for your suspicious attitude. Enjoy your shopping cart, and keep watching the pile at Excrement, Inc. grow and draw flies.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Eric: I've got my crayons sharpened and I'm all ready to edit. I'll make sure they get to sixty. It'll be rather nice...we may even bond.

Sixty: I like Sprite too...though not as much as Coke. Not too sure about that whole biblical sense thing and how it applies to carbonated beverages...but whatever makes you happy.

Ananta: 'Bout time you got here...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Spryte, I believe Sixty's comment was reference to the well documented love that Moses had for 7-up. The old saying 7-up, 10-down and all that rot. Sixty is not from America so you will understand how he got the two mixed up.  It's a very common mistake.


Ananta65 8 years ago

I was born a lazy laggard, Spryte. I've informed the IAS, the FDA and every other abbreviation I could think of. Hell, NASA is aiming their telescopes at scrap as we speak. It's downright criminal to lure innocent Hubbers into this stinking pile of lies!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Don't dump on our products and services until you've tried them.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Thank you for the clarification Shade. I suppose I should be grateful that Sixty did not call me Schweppes Lemonade. South Africa gets pretty hot I hear...mebbe he was just reaaaaally thirsty.

I'd never heard of the Moses/7-up romance. Somehow I always thought of him as being more of a Dr. Pepper type of guy...but there ya go.


Ananta65 8 years ago

I'm on a diet


marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites 8 years ago from USA

Shadesbreath...you astound me in the best of ways. 155 comments on this hub....is there anything you can't do?? don't tell me, let me believe...

Awesome job, what a lot of interest in excrement, who wudda thunk'd it?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yes, this crap surprised even me. lol


marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites 8 years ago from USA

Well, life is full of it, as you've illustrated so well. hahaha this has been a bright spot of .......


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Hmm, a "bright spot of ......" would actually be hard to do. I mean, you'd have to be eating like, what, florescent paint?

:P


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Actually, it's not all that difficult. By augmenting my diet with a steady supply of fireflies, I produce a thousand points of light, almost daily.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

That must make having gas interesting in the dark. What fun you must be at parties!


rmr profile image

rmr 8 years ago from Livonia, MI

He does tend to light up a room! Unfortunately the room happens to be in MY house.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

RMR, I was going to say, "Dont' light the candles," but then I thought, that might actually be pretty cool. So, yeah, I'm not sure which way to go with that advice.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

I can imagine the smug look of BT's face as he answers "Yes" to the question:

"I suppose you think the sun shines out of your ar#e?"

(A question that I'm sure he gets asked very often! )


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

How could he not given these revelations? The real issue becomes whether or not his donning pants should be considered a solar eclipse or an eclipse of the moon.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Not a pretty thought either way!

I'm more interested in whether he shoots out tracer pellets when he DROPS his daks, and if Exc.Inc. pays extra for glow-in-the-dark jackalope crap. 

And are you in danger of getting an Arc Flash if you approach a firefly consuming jackalope from the rear to collect ths rare crap?


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

If glow-laden crap is more valuable...perhaps we could think of other things that BT might eat to produce some unique results....

Perhaps some jingle bells for holiday crap?

Maybe some citronella for mosquito deterring crap?

Maybe just crap...and it would be crap crap. I don't think Certs is using their old ad campaign so perhaps they'll let us borrow their "two...two...two craps in one!" advertisement.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

*kicks computer*


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

*kicks computer harder*

There...fixed now. Sometimes I have to be a bit more patient when I hit that post button...


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Tracer pellets are illegal, where I live. Having transcended beyond crap ninja, I am capable of achieving many effects. My favorite is a laser-like array. A crap sabre, if you will.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Spryte, ... lol... jesus, you are unrelenting. ROFL

Eric, I'm glad you at least appreciate the potential damage of an arc flash incident coming out of BT's ass. I can't help picturing the second video in my flashover hub and wondering how BT keeps himself supplied with boxer shorts.

BT... .... I'm at a loss. I'm still envisioning the arc flash disaster from my other hub attached to your tiny bunny-like buttocks.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I usually don't experience anything as impressive as that video. But there was this one time that I ate some fireflies I came across near the nuclear reactor, not too far from my home. The outcome was... let's just say it took months to re-grow the fur on my haunches. Grass still doesn't grow, where those pellets landed.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

The lit up Jackalopes would do well here because of the "load shedding" that takes place. We could put a couple of lit Jackalopes around the place. But I am a bit afraid of arc flashes.

Heres a thought it is entirely possible that crap or sh*t not put too fine a point on it may well exceed sexy hot pics as a "traffic" collector.

Spryte. There I got that right (or is it Diet Sprite). Moses of course was the first Nascar driver vide "Moses came fo(u)rth in his Triumph."

That multi posting thing can be very annoying. I 've been caught quite a few times and it forces you to write a couple of additional comments so that you dont look like a dum dum! (LOL)


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

*examines herself critically in the mirror and thinks perhaps she should lay off the twinkies for a while*

Diet Sprite...huh? Okay, so it takes a bit more effort to get my chubby little fairie arse off the ground...but *sniffle*...

As for BT's "arse"nal...yeah, it's a great visual :) It would make his ancestor, the killer bunny, proud!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

How fun would it be to have a jackalope light? People would marvel at it. BT, you and Sixty should go into production on that. Look how many singing bass things they sold. A jackalope light is a sure winner.

And did you mean a spryte diet rather than diet spryte... because, with some garlic and a nice chablis, I can see taking this idea over to the cannibalism hub pretty easily.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

SELF cannibalism, Shade...'member?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Well, as you'll recall, once you run out of your own parts, you can move on to others.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

I don't see any of your parts missing...unless your hub icon is a true indication of your current physical state. Then mebbe I'll let you have uh...one of my really gnarly, fungus riddled toes...mmmm...still hungry? :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I'll boil it real good.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Oh! Well now that you mention boils...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

You need a pediatrist or something. Sheesh.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

OMG this cross hub dressing thing is really becoming confusing. i really not sure which hub we are commenting on. But I think as a traffic driver these cross overs are terrific! Do you think Hub management will censure us for these wild liberties?

Incidentally see my comments on PGrundy's hub on the laws of attraction. There some interesting comments there and a lovely crossover reference from yours truly to this hub! LOL


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Heh, yeah, I confess to feeling as if it's becoming one big conversation that just takes place on whatever thread we're on. lol. I"ll go check out pgrundy's (if I haven't already, which I think I have.)


Katherine Baldwin profile image

Katherine Baldwin 8 years ago from South Carolina

Shadesbreath, this is absolutely hysterical! I have laughed so hard that I'm crying. This will help us to identify the real scams that show up in our emails. I don't know how long it will be before I can open an email and not think about Excrement, Inc.

Thank You

Katherine


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Heh heh, I'm glad to have been of service, Katherine. :)


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Can we nail down a date on this fight? I have encountered another attractive venue, and I don't want any conflicts in scheduling.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

The other combatants have already arrived and are waiting in the pit. We've allowed them to bring laptops and we've provided wi-fi while they wait for you.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

You may want to look again, Shades. I stopped by yesterday, and dropped a few sewer-dwelling gators in the pit. Of course it was cleverly disguised as an excrement delivery. I had the way cool logo on my truck, and everything.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Oh my!  And me unable to get to them any time soon.  I wonder what I'll find when I get back.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Thanks for the crocodiles. They were great for some limbering up exercises in the pit.

FOR SALE: Crocodile skin boots, jackets, belts, keyrings, steaks, and crocodile crap.

BT and I have formed a tag team alliance, and will take on all comers.

 

 


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Oh, this is shaping up nicely, tag team, good idea.

Speaking of nice shapes... I need to find us some round card girls.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Just don't let Spryte and her boils, toenails, cats, and other assorted paraphernalia to come anywhere near the area.

 She will lower the tone of the event, and scare off the paying clients.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Glad I could help you warm up, EG. Feel free to tag me in. I have brought scuba gear! Nobody will see me coming, now!!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Someone must film this fight to show in the Multiplex at Gravy/Biscuit +3 World, Jackalope Sanctuary, Movies & and Sports Arena.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Patty, GFE has another division, you may have heard of them, called HBO Productions on whose board I have a friend. He said he'll bring a camera and some guys from his office to film it for us. I don't actually know the other guys he's bringing, but so far everyone I've meet at Hemmorhoids, Backsides and Outhouses has been pretty cool, so I feel confident they'll do good work despite having no proffessional film experience that I know of.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Sounds like fun and an interesting production will be had by all.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

*upon seeing the camera crew, B.T. sneaks out of the pit to retrieve his secret weapon*


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

*Camera crew sneakily films BT sneaking


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Dammit...can't I be sick for a little while without you all running amok?

*hawks up a hairball and blows nose into sleeve*

Okay...fine...I dragged myself from my deathbed just to make sure that things get done properly....

*Adds a box of Mr. Bubbles to the mudpit*


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Keep those cameras rolling!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

No worries, Patty, the HBO crew got that hairball/snot sleeve on tape.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

While they were watching Spryte launch a snot rocket, I backed my dump truck into position. I have dumped several hundred-thousand pounds of clumping kitty litter into your pit! Look at all those clumps with arms and legs sticking out of 'em!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yes, but at least you went with Fresh Step and the odor fighting crystals. That was thoughtful of you.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Don't mention it. It was also for my benefit. I can now walk across the crust, and take my time defeating these people!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Gawd...that pit is starting to look repugnant...even to me.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Excellent, my cameramen, excellent!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

BT! we must do a version of "Shaft" for the Jackalope, in honor of Isaac Hayes, who died today, sadly.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

If you think it looks bad now, wait till my tanker truck gets here from Gravy World!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I'd be honored to memorialize him like that. But first, I need to get my foot unstuck from this muck, before my gravy delivery gets here.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Excrement, Inc. is prepared to counter your tanker filled with gravy. We have several truckloads of cornbread prepared for just such a ploy.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Good deal! Because I also ordered a gravel train filled with assorted flatware!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Well then my dumptruck of static filled packing popcorn will work just nicely!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Beauty, eh?


Marian Swift profile image

Marian Swift 8 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

Where's the Jello? You can't have a mudpit without Jello!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

For shame Marian...we all know "There's always room for jello!"

/flee


Marian Swift profile image

Marian Swift 8 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

That's good to know.

(... biodiesel growl, followed by ear-piercing backup beepers ...)

Here it is. Hope everybody likes lemon!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I prefer pudding. I'm feeling...butterscotchy.


Marian Swift profile image

Marian Swift 8 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

Too late. Had to return the truck to the ... uh ... rental place. Yeah, that's it.

Any other truckers out there?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

There's a few with loads of cornbread, if you count them.


Marian Swift profile image

Marian Swift 8 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

Cornbread and butterscotchy pudding are two different bananas, no?

But maybe if those cornbread truckers don't have to return their trucks before someone misses them ... er ... I mean before their rental expires, they might be convinced to haul another load.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Marian, you realize that great recipes are born in just this kind of way. I mean, think about it... the nice texture and unobtrusive sweetness of cornbread, buttressed by and augmented with a split bannana for texture and taste, and set off gloriously by the sweet ambrosia of butterscotch? ???

???

Does this not scream sumptuous cullinary delight?????


Marian Swift profile image

Marian Swift 8 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

Ya know, that does sound good.

But now that it's mixed with all the other stuff in that pit, I can hear it screaming all the way from here ...


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Well if BT lets off one of his trouser shredding Butter Tart Farts in all that stuff, better make sure the pit is well grounded and ventilated, or the resulting explosion will knock the HBO video streaming satellite out of orbit!

And Shades - I'd appreciate private access to the pit between 3am and 4am for delivery of -errr-special equipment.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I think the time has cme to negotiate with Marisue to get her husband the gifted farting cop there pronto. He can get some order into this chaos once and for all. I also think that with all that boiling, burbling, bubbling stuff it would be a good time to add some dinosoar eggs (fossilised ones) to see just what can grow in that primevil sludge. I dont that the mixture will be any good for Jackalope fur.

BTW I just ahd word from Dubja he says now is the time to nuke em!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Eric, given the nature of this combat, we at Excrement, Inc. do nothing but delight in looking away, purely by accident of timing of course, to let you do what you must.  :)

Sixty, as usual, you are a step ahead of the idea process.  We have actually ferreted some Ichthysaurus eggs into the muck in hopes of watching some cool dinosaur action.  The CEO of GFE himself has wagered 4 million dollars that an adult ichthysaurus can take an adult jackalope and our CFE laughed at him and took the bet without even batting an eye.  Frankly, I can hardly wait. The redhead that works the front desk bet 7 dollars that Eric takes them both.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I would be wary of that bet. Eric's atavar is that of a human but I suspect he may be a kangaroo, a tasman devil, or even a dingo, each of whom have some interesting attributes. so beware.


Jewels profile image

Jewels 8 years ago from Australia

Had to reinforce the lining of the Crap Ninja suit. As an empathic sensitive I became fully submerged, and commenced drowning in what seemed to be a new influx of fallout. Heavily cemented to my mid thighs in what appeared to be ancient crap yet to be chewed over by dung beetles. As Dung beetles appetites are becoming fully sated, sexual reproduction is dropping to all time lows. Alarm bells - extinction imminent for our friendly crap munchers. Is the end nigh?


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

As I understand it, the kitty litter clumps can act as incubators. Those eggs should hatch quickly. As living dinosaurs, they will be automatically accepted into the International Brotherhood of Cryptids. As you may have heard, I am not just a member of this fine union. I am also the president. That means welcome additions to the B.T.-EG tag-team!

@Sixty- As Eric's partner, I am fully aware of his true identity. I am, of course sworn to secrecy, but I can tell you this: He is a creature far more sinister than any you have mentioned! He may even be more evil than me. The jury is still on that, though.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Looks like the pit will eventually become a site for new oil!

Ever heard about the turley smashing oil plant near the Tyson factory? - they compress old bird parts under high heat to make petroleum, but are thinking of moving out of the country to reduce costs. So I think we have yet another business! More contracts are required...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Jewels,

Just give the dung beatles some time to lean back in their chairs, stuff a few of their hands into their waistband and digest.  Their reproductive apathy might seem alarming at the moment, but, dung beetle males are typical of their gender as seen in all species.   Their libido will return, perhaps after a peristalsis event, but, worry not, their buggy lust will be back and the species will thrive and decend in waves upon your encrusted thighs for another happy meal.

Sixty:

I think you might be right, that redhead hasn't missed a Superbowl or World Series yet.  Fortunately, as event coordinator, I can't bet so I'll be out no cash of my own. 

BT:  Hybrid dinosaurs?  What a delightful idea.  I may use that in my fiction.  lol.  *steals idea and runs*

Patty:

That can't possibly smell good.  I'd hate to live next to that (seriously).  It may look like oil, but it smells like  ... crap, which is why ultimately that's probably a fantastic addition to Excrement, Inc. I'm ordering the.. meat crushers now lol. 


canon xs 8 years ago

very interesting post


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Who's the idiot that's managing the pit and allowed all that crap to be put into it.

It's not a pit any more - it's a bloody lake. And during my "special equipment" delivery, half of a semi trailer dissolved after some of the ooze splashed onto it.

I'm not going to be getting into it unless it's in a specially coated tungsten carbide submarine - which is currently being built.

And I'll give you the tip - the things that were sticking their heads up in the middle of the lake were even scarier than BT during Haloween.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Jackalopes breed prolifically. I think they are BT's brood emerging from the primeval ooze. They may have already cross bred with the dinosaurs (from the eggs). I think we have an ecological disaster on the make. Maybe we can rent the pit out as living proof of evoution theory.


WeddingConsultant profile image

WeddingConsultant 8 years ago from DC Metro Area

Sign me up!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Canon: Thanks

Eric: It does seem the combat pit has gotten rather out of hand. As Sixty says, it does seem we have a bit of an ecological ... issue. The upside, it's all being filmed. We have some excellent footage of you leaping out of that truck and rolling around on the ground, your eco-suit hissing and issuing greenish clouds of vapor as your suit dissolved. While we were happy to see you were not injured, God that was funny seeing you spazz out and cuss like that in your frenzy to escape the confines of your clothes. Great stuff. Sorry about your shoes. Oh, and where'd you get those boxers with the little jackalopes on them?

Sixty: We'll be selling the film as a documentary, you are quite right. We're going to have Liam Neson narrate it. It will be great.

Wedding: You bet! Soon as your payment arrives, you are IN!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

*in a bold takeover attempt, B.T. sneaks up behind Shadesbreath and headbutts him into the pit*

Oopsie! Did I do that? *feigns innocence*


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

*Shadesbreath tumbles into the pit, but, being a long time crap ninja, spins on the way in, grabs BT by an antler and drags him in too.  As the ichthysauruses charge, BT is tossed into a gaping, tooth-lined maw as Shadesbreath adroitly leaps back out of the pit with the help of a popped methane bubble rising from the festering mire.  Shadesbreath stands triumphantly watching BT wrassle with the Ichthysauruses.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

*fortunately for BT, the Ichthyosaurus recognizes the fact that he has mistakenly snatched up a union brother. He gingerly places him out of danger, outside of the pit. BT congratulates SB on a very cool maneuver, and extends hand in respect.*


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

*shakes BT's hand and calls for an Excrement, Inc. grounds crew to come over with the water truck and some brushes.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Regardless of what people THINK they see, BT definitely does not take the opportunity to pass around campaign flyers, promoting his recent bid to take over the whitehouse! That would just be bad form!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

"BT for President" Banners and Flyers available in bulk from Gravy & Biscuit World Jackalope Sanctuary. Just $1000 the dozen. 


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Hey! If you gonna sell stuff on Excrement, Inc. sites, you have to kick down a percentage. Don't make me get out the GFE legal team!


Marian Swift profile image

Marian Swift 8 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

BT ... given any thought as to your running mate?  Perhaps someone to woo the hunting public?

(Are ichthyosauruses -supposed- to have antlers and cuddly fur?)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

They do now, Marian. BT infected them with his lycanthropic blood or whatever the hell that is that jackalopes have.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I hope that pit is not in Tornado territory. The consequences could be too ghastly to contemplate. That footage of the last few hours is gonna put WWE smackdown out of business. we need to get the chinese stadium biulders from Beijing pronto to build grandstands for the viewing public. while they are at it they could fake some fireworks and give the Jackalope/Dinosaurs great singing voices too.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

It IS in tornado country Sixty, and the storm is gonna come in after its over, suck out the pit and then blow your way. I suggest you get an umbrella and some plastic clothes!


Marian Swift profile image

Marian Swift 8 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

Can umbrellas and plastic clothes repel jackasauruses and crockalopes?


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

ANNOUNCEMENT

Political fundraising banquet at the luxurious Pit at Excrement Inc.: $1200/plate, $200 to Shadesbreath per.

Reserve now -- Tables and buckets are going fast.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

No, no protection, but if the tornado sucks up the filth it's going to drop it again at some point.  At least Sixty will be clean and dry while the jackasaurses and Ichthyalopes (that's the official term btw) eat him.  That was my point.  I mean, who wants to be covered in slime when  you're being devoured, you know? 

And, much better Patty, That's what I'm talking about. (LOL "buckets")


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

The flying debris doesn't worry me in the least. If you are familiar with the classic bear and rabbit joke, the answer is " No, it doesn't stick to my fur."


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Hah,,, my favorite joke of all time, told at its best by Eddy Murphy in Delirious.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

There's something wierd happening at the pit.

I think it's hit critical mass or something, and developing its own gravitational field.

Two of my trucks, the grandstands, several toilet blocks, as well as all vehicles and several buildings within a 2 mile radius have been sucked into the pit by unknown forces.

Eerie lights glow from within the pit, and huge expulsions of corrosive matter have been expelled from the pit at high velocity and landing up to 50km from the pit - dissolving anything they come into contact with.

There's no signs of the jackyosaurs or other mutants. Perhaps they've escaped - or been consumed by the mighy forces at work in the depths of the pit.

What's going on Shadecloth?


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I think Jabba the Hut and his little Hutton gluttons have moved in and they are consuming the slime pit. Beware of the garguntuan burp! This will outshine (?) anything Marisues husband can posssibly produce!

BTW I dont need the brolly or plastic raincoat. naked is just fine. The last time I streaked the ladies said "I dont know what that is but I think it needs iorning".


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Eric, witness the birth of Crapzilla. Hah hah, you fools played right into the trap, adding your parts to the recipe as if by your own volition. Crapzilla will rise from the fecund pool and sally forth to do the bidding of Excrement, Inc. and GFE. Those too foolish to sign up for one of our programs will be first to feel the might (and scent the stench to be honest, I mean, wow, this is hard core ripe if you know what I'm saying).

Sixty, yes, the burp is the sound of the gargantuan placenta bursting to release Crapzilla, just so you know. Born from the womb of the earth and three hundred and eight-seven tons of fecal matter, the shockwaves from that "burp" will likely stir the sands of mars!

(and ROFL @ ironing. That was a visual I could have skipped LOL)


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

From Mars to Shades

In your face. We already have our own unexplained face (book?).

Let your ill wind blow some where else. Aim for the Sun instead if you dare!

Otherwse us Martians will attack. We are peaceloving troglodytes here but we will not hesitate to retaliate to an unprovoked attack. We won't take your crap.

The Martian Pesident Ibeen Backhere


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Whew! Looks like I hit the campaign trail just in time. I was planning to return to the battle on Saturday, but maybe I'll skip it for now.

Eric, If you still want to be my VP, get the hell out while you still can. Once we take office, we can return with full military back-up. BTW, did you know Sixty was from Mars? That explains a few things, eh?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

BT, that does explain a few things, doesn't it? And Sixty, well, I don't know what to say about that "attack." The shock wave is going to go where it goes. I suppose it the creature is born with the earth facing the right direction, it might go to the sun. Be terrible if the gaseous breath is so forceful it blows out the sun like a candle though. Just remember as you sit in the eternal darkness after, that you asked for it.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

CAMPAIGN: Top 10 Hot Jobs & Jackalopes:

http://hubpages.com/business/Midland-Texas


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

OMG, that looks exactly like him!!!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

He is a smart, and dangerous man! Notice how his brain cannot be contained within the confines of a traditional cranial cavity.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

That giant brain is how he was able to design a ray gun and a cool outfit like that. No human could pull that off.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Well Shades,

After close inspection of your avatar, I reckon that you're Sixty's love child.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I am?

Hmm... Hey Sixty, you owe me 18 years of back allowance, pal.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Well looky there! How could I have missed the resemblance? I caught the whole Eric and Sean Connery thing, but the Shades and Sixty thing escaped me completely.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I did not want to admit it but that picture of me is out of date and unauthorised. Shades is not my love child I demand a DNA test. I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman (er Jackalope) oh hell I am letting the F.U.R.B.A.L.L. cat out of the bag here! By the way the helmets and Rayguns are for sale. send cheques money transfers or credit card details.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I see that EG changed his pic, after I mentioned Sean Connery. Think he could be hiding something?

Sixty, please put that cat back in the bag. That was my dinner! I had the grill all fired up, and everything. By the way, I have no use for helmets. That's the hell of having antlers. I am, however, ordering as many ray guns as you can supply. They may come in handy on the old campaign trail, you know.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I did mention the Ronnie attachment (see BT for president) but forget to mention uh what did I forget. dammit where are my Q cards.

BTW Shades I have deposited some 400 baby seahorses into the primal sludge. I am hoping that the crap (er nourishment) will get 'em to grow to real horse proportions. Then we can have a mounted cavalry division. If wishes were horses beggars would ride. Brains on sea ponies! We could sell some of their offspring to Patty for the Jackalope etc project.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Woohooooo! These seahorses sure are fun to ride!! I'm gonna name this one "Air Bisciut".


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

ROFL @ "airbiscuit." Good idea Sixty, I'll make sure to throw in lots of hay and oats. Imagine how quickly the pit will become more... exrcementalized with them in it.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I have taken care of that but I think seahorses are omnivorous so perhaps we can get the fisheries people to dump some Snakehead fish into the mix. This could be fun.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I know a good place to catch fur-bearing trout. I'll ride Airbiscuit over to Lake Erie, and get some!


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

I'm so excited my crap-o-meter is going orf! Words fail me!and I always thought that crap and turds were a boy thing! although I see that - oh dear - I've just missed that lovely, brown, gravy train.However if it is not too late and if I am able to join into this huge, crapologistical, self powered me-too, altho somewhat neffarious scheme, there would be many, many thousands of brown nosing affiliates ahead of me on this most reasonably priced, crapitalist venture. So from the point of view of scheme/er/program losing gas I mean steam I am probably far too late.Looks like world domination is already assured and the power and might of Shades is about to be overthrown as other world promotors are ganging up and pirating his carefully extruded ideas - managing the PR gloriously, cutting through the so-called self explanatory crap to explain the business' finely tuned future milled in a pond of sludge. Good work there - help always at hand for the potential buyers.However I was wondering, before I fed-exed my glorious pre-programmed bounced cheque to your Crap Headquarters, whether your R & D people could carry out a time and motion study to assess a new method of poo collection- ie a doggy bag that collects all that glorious crap before it hits the deck so to speak! It could come in a colour to match madam's outfit of the day and be clipped/attached so to speak to the extrusion end of said animal. I mean you could take this to the enth degree - perfect for those owners who want to take their animals into restaurants. No wastage.

And just imagine if your R&D could design such a device for example: an elephant - do you think this could fit right in with plans to take over the world from a crapological point of view and expand your big thinking intra-global enterprise? Your name could go up in lights! really special fire lights of course from gas emitting, fire fly eating jackolopes.

very funny hub! loved it and all the comments.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

While we appreciate your enthusiasm, Ajcor, because you have not sent in your 1000 bucks and become a crap ninja, you don't have access to the crap ninja bag of tricks which includes at the advanced stages a "No Deck-Hitting Doo-doo kit."

Normally, we don't give away technology, but, what I'll tell you is too advanced for you to replicate on your own, so, yes, we do have a crap gathering system for our ninjas that precludes carpet stains. We have a dog food that we sell our members (at a substantial discount mind you) that includes 14 parts magnetic dust. When combined with the Excrement, Inc. fine burbur carpet with the magnetic fibers (magnetic poles opposite those of the dog food) you will end up with a situation where you encourage your dog to crap on the carpet. He does his thing and when you feel like it, you simply go and gather up the poo hovering an inch or so off the ground, repelled by that awesome resistance of opposite magnetism.

I can't go into it more. Please send your money in and become a Crap Ninja and these are the types of life improvements you will enjoy.


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

and does the same apply to the elephant or are you not up to that as yet? or do think that the the hovering poo for said elephant would have to deposited onto a flying carpet (I don't think they have wall to wall in the jungle) could be wrong of course; although when I think about it the weight of elephant crap would need to be taken into account as the weight versus flight ratio could be a little tricky.

ps cheque is in the mail!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Well, truth be told, we don't have any clients that keep indoor elephants as pets so we haven't developed a production line for canned elephant magnet food. But, we do listen, so, if we have enough customer demand (your payment clearing will include you into that elite circle) we will certainly give thought to making product to meet your elephant's levitating fecal needs. It's much harder with herbivores because they don't eat with the same enthusiasm as do the preditors, but, methods can be devised as long as there is profit in it for Excrement, Inc.


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

you should receive the cheque very soon - now I really think this could be a paying proposition given the fact that "bulk is bulk" green or brown - however on the basis that it could prove somewhat difficult to make a product that meets the criteria of an elephant's levitating fecal needs - (it's the levitation that makes production a little hard) maybe you should go back to my first idea of the "crap catcher" which could be manufactured to catch any crap anywhere -even on a flying carpet! I am sure there's money to be found in very disposable large "elephant" extrusion hold alls. Give it to R & D I say.

future crap ninja


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Cheese and a lack of adequate fluids is what makes "production a little hard." You are obviously an enthusiastic candidate but unfamiliar with the fertile material withwhich our empire has been built. Just send your money and open yourself to the experience.


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

as I said the cheque is in the mail - was that fecal or fertile material upon which your empire has been built? and just what depths is my money going to sink to? and will this experience going to be a crap one?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yes, it is. lol


Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 8 years ago from UK

Am I too late to sign up to this effluent society? We have some very special crap this side of the Atlantic. In our parliament we have Brown crap (yes, I know that's the usual sort, but ours has a capital letter), we have royal crap, and we have the type that lives in fishponds (no, wait, that's carp!)

I could even exploit the French Merde, as I live near France (well, just the other side of the English Channel to be exact) We could call the French branch 'Dans la Chocolat' which roughly translates as 'In The Warm Brown Sticky Stuff'. They have particularly wholesome merde over there on account of all the garlic, olives and red wine.

I'm sending a cheque for my ninja suit. Cheers for now!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Your Ninja Suit is on its way and you are on your road to building yourself and elite fecal fortune. I'm sure the Dans la Chocolat angle is going to make you heaps and piles of money, particularly if you export it to America. People here will buy anything that has even the illusion of taste.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Where'd everybody go? I just threw in my pet elephant, but there's nobody here for him to play with. Dang, this was a big step for him, too. He hasn't been out of the house in years. Agoraphobia has kept him indoors for most of his adult life. Does this mean I win? I would hate to have hauled him out of the basement for nothing!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I must protest in the strongest terms. Elephant and Rhino crap must not be allowed into the pit. The Grass fibre will pollute the pit. Besides we manufacture paper from elephant and Rhino dung. we then sell the paper to American, European and continental tourists. Besides the heavy fibre content will dry up the pit thus destroying the habitatat for the seahorses. They won't eat the (what the) hay. Besdes the snakehead fishes need a high sludge content. although they can walk across land. So be careful they may escape. We must be careful not to destroy our cleverly constructed ecosystem.

BT everyone thought the arrival of the elephants may bring Hannibal, so everyone ran in fear!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Then I guess I win! I'm takin' a victory lap on my seahorse! I thought everyone was trapped, when the elephant sank to the bottom. I know he took some snakeheads with him. The fur bearing trout seem to be doing ok, though.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

LOL Sixty, my god, you have an incredible memory remembering everything that's in this pit recipe. I'm not sure why the seahorses wouldn't eat the grass out of the elephant and rhino crap though, seems a natural source of sustenance for them. Although I do like the idea of starting an additional business of seeling poo-paper to tourists. That's just genius thinking there. I think Excrement, Inc. has a job in marketing and product development for you dude.

And, BT, congratulations. Clearly your staying focused on the goal made you champion. I wave at you as you take your victory laps and throw my empty beer cans at you in admiration.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Clearly, this wouldn't have been possible without preferential trea..., I mean the support of Excrement inc, and the affiliate program. I would also like to thank the people at fresh step, for donating that truckload of kitty litter, as well as the elephant that gave his life for the cause. He will be immortalized in a dung sculpture. If you don't mind, I'll just keep the seahorse. Airbiscuit and I have become the best of friends.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Absolutely keep him. We do retain all rights to use your image and his for future Excrement, Inc. promotions, as per the contract you signed when entering the contest.


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

Mr Evilpants I have to take exception to the fact that you hauled that poor elephant out the basement and then drowned him in the sea pit poo - if only the R&D division of Excrement, Inc. had carried out the recommended work he could have been saved from such a heavy martyrdom -and again, if only the extrusion hold alls had been developed in time he would not be now immortalised as a dung sculpture! He would be eating , sleeping and pooing in your basement - a happy agrophobic animal.

I'm afraid Mr Shadesbreath you are also partially accountable for the drowning of this elephant as you did not pass on said info (re devel. of hold alls) to R & D - I am sure you would have received my cheque by now! also I don't believe Mr Evilpants can be trusted with the loving care of the seahorse - friend or not!!

and re Elephant and Rhino crap not being allowed into the pit, I agree sixtyorso - it's just not a good look & it's not just the crap it's a whole elephant for heaven's sake! - how careless to allow such dilution of so fine a product to occur!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I merely orchestrate the financing and entertainment of the event. It is not for me to make moral judgments, and any that I do are at whim and non-binding for Excrement, Inc. So, yeah, I'm pretty much out of it. We are making T-shirts depicting BT on his victory lap, but do to requests from the school district we are blurring out the points of his horns because they might be construed as weapons.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

No problem Shades, ole pal. I'll put marshmallows on 'em for the kiddies! As for the elephant, he wanted to go. Sad but true. He couldn't stand another minute in that basement. He told me as much. I tried to fit him with a snorkel, but he refused it. He is in a better place. Plus he's immortalized, as any hero should be!


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

I am  dumbfounded; no gobsmacked! I ask you where's the probity? talk about whitewashing the whole thing.  Move over pontius pilate - hey we may need more soap and water for hand washing -  only the financing (humph!).

 If any more of this goes on I may have to ask for the return of my cheque. I know you received it!!!! By the way, as I trusted you  I didn't read the contract but just as a little matter of interest is there a return payment clause?

Congratulations on your most sporting win B.T. Evilpants 

What a hero. Vale my big friend.

By the way do you think I could have his hovering carpet?


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Dumbfounded? Gobsmacked? Your comment leaves me wankum-jawed! I've had nothing but good experiences with Excrement inc. They are helpful, polite and courteous. At least until your check clears.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Ajcor, of course we can return your money. As your check has been received and cashed, we no longer have it to return, BUT we will give you full value in Excrement, Inc. merchandise, which is even better than cash.

Thanks BT, we like to think our customer service is the sh!t!


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

Shadesbreath - Worrying about the economic future of Excrement, Inc business -we crap ninja's have invested heavily in sh!t - sooooo.... really need to get moving into the market place! an action plan maybe!

"Service Is Us- Have faith - With Sh!t Values, A Sh!t Business And A Sh!t Product You Can't Go Wrong"

think you need to hold a crap ninja telethon to discuss the 'Business Plan" - world domin.......no that is ..future - how you grab hold of, and run with the ball - all that coalface stuff!

from a "cheque has just been cleared" crap ninja


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Ajcor, I'm having the billboards ordered up with that very slogan now. Pure genius. We'll spread them out over the nation's highways and the ranks will swell for sure. As for worrying about money, well, what we meant by "don't have it now" is that we no longer have your check. We have lots of money. Our affiliates are so full of crap that we just scoop up the doodo... er.. dough.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

OK you guys - I'm hback now to keep you all honest.

I've been off doing secret ninja training, and am very disappointed to return and find that the contest is over.

Congratulations BT - You now reign proudly as King of the ShitHole.

The skills you gain should prove very handy in your Political career.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

LOL

WB, you absent bastard. Boy do you have a lot of reading to catch up on. Some fun stuff out there. PGrundy has the world crashing down on us, Brainstormer's wife uses a dildo now, and everyone has opinions about Sarah Palin.


Jane@CM profile image

Jane@CM 6 years ago

Damn, I just about peed my pants.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

How much do you charge for those lovely mitts?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Jane, that's not really in keeping with the... erm... emissions we favor here, but we do appreciate your enthusiasm. :)

Lorlie, all prices are as listed, although we do offer a volume discount for orders over 1000 cases.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 4 years ago from Hell, MI

Hey! It's been 2 years since I was last paid any commission. What gives? Did Excrement inc. go down the crapper? Did you liquidate your assets? Did you evacuate or just move to a more effluent area? Somebody let me know what's going on here. I was depending on that income to feed my Shih Tzu!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

LOL. Uhm, yes, I've checked with our payments department, they've been busy, most of them are pooped, but I found one of them sitting on a stool in the lunch room, and he explained that your account was flush, and, due to inactivity has been wiped from our records.

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