Excrement, Inc. Homepage
Welcome to the Excrement, Inc. Homepage. Thank you for checking out our informative webpage and clicking on the link. We at Excrement, Inc. appreciate your taking the time to come see the marvels we have to offer you. There are several programs available to you, all of which are easy to learn and quick to earn. All you need is the instructional guide we provide at almost no cost to you at all.
Below are some of our primary programs, and an outline of how the affiliate system can work for you. Please take your time and don't hesitate to contact one of our crap professionals if you have any questions at all. And don't forget: crap is the key!
Program 1: Crap Affiliate
For $39.95 we will give you crap absolutely free. We promise that the crap you get from us will be of the highest quality. We are confident that our crap is the best and we have an absolute policy on money back guarantees. This is the most basic of our programs.
Program 2: Crap Mentor
For $79.95 you can become a crap mentor and help distribute crap across the Internet to your family and your friends. Each new affiliate that you bring into Excrement, Inc. counts on your "dollop chart" where we record your Excrement, Inc. "droppings points." Yes, we at Excrement, Inc. like to have fun while we make our fortunes off of you. Your efforts, obviously being what we mean.
Program 3: Crap Master
This is the third highest level of crap you can reach. To become a crap master you must meet all the requirements of Programs 1 and 2, AND, you must become completely conversant with all the nuances of the Excrement, Inc Crap4Gas program. You will need a crap master kit to begin, which includes all of the following:
The following materials are required:
- The official Crap4Gas handbook ..................................................................... $39.95
- Excrement, Inc. Sani-plus Crap-gatherer mitts ............. $19.95
- Scent-o-Sweet Excrement, Inc. high-tech respiratory shields ...........................................................................$48.95 per box
- *Excrement, Inc. Z13 Crap Scooper deluxe ....................$11.95
- Excrement, Inc. virgin vinyl, ultra-tough methane conductive tubes .............................................................................$09.95 per box
- Excrement, Inc. high capacity crap tank ........................ $23.95
*Act now and receive a bonus Crap Scooper Deluxe at NO CHARGE with your order
If you like money and privilege and being gawked at from across the room by hawt chicks or hawt guys, this is the program for you.
How it works:
Once you have purchased your complete kit, you will find instructions on how to harvest crap in your house and around your neighborhood. Step by step, illustrated guidelines show you how to properly pack crap into your high capacity crap tank, route your methane tubes into your vehicle's fuel rail and ultimately save our world (not to mention a few bucks at the pump).
We hope you like money and privilege and being gawked at from across the room.
Program 4: Crap Ninja
For $1000.00 we will automatically send you everything you need for Programs 1-3 AND we will send you a special Excrement, Inc. ninja suit to wear whenever you leave the house. This stunning ensemble announces to all the world that you have moved past simple crap mastery and now carry the status of ninja instead. Your powers will be formidable and no one will dare cross crap with you. This is a position of power that promises access to anything you want, including saving kittens, puppies and even babies across the world. This is the most desirable Program and should be considered carefully. Be sure you are willing to have this much attention from members of the opposite sex, because as a crap ninja, you will need all your focus to stave their groping hands and open checkbooks off. They aren't just gawking anymore!
We can't promise this last part we're about to bring up, but we believe it is possible that crap ninja's receive occasional emails from God. What can we say? It's just one of those inexplicable things.
Isn't it Obvious?
Excrement, Inc. would like to thank you for coming by and looking at all the exciting things we have to offer you. We appreciate your business too. Please, if you are paying by check, make sure there are adequate funds in your account.
For your convenience, we do offer a program granting us unlimited access to your bank account so that you don't have to be troubled to make payments to your account with us should you need more crap. Oh, and obviously we would be using that to pay you all your huge rewards too when they manifest, which obviously they will for sure.
Thanks again, and have a lovely day.
- Excrement, Inc. membership benefits page
check out this informative page on what you can do with the power of crap! (Really, it's half the fun, click it!)
More by this Author
A bit of humor at my own expense. A story of nuclear peristalsis, public humiliation, and how my wife tried to kill me with a fiber bar.
Wildly popular article discussing ten of the most asked questions in the world. Intelligent and humorous all at once.
Examining Office and Workplace lighting, with a particular interest in the belief that brighter light is most conducive to higher productivity. Source material is academic and scientific, with support from industry and...