Exit pursued by a bear - dramatic monologue
Here's one just for fun...
Exit, Pursued by a Bear
by Anne deNize
Carolyne, Carolyne dear, you should be going off at this point. Yes, it does say it in the script. See ‘exit, pursued by a bear.’ It means you go off with Paul chasing after you. ‘Exit’ is Latin for he, or in your case she, goes off. Paul is the bear. No he’s not in costume at the moment, I know. Which reminds me, Paul, dear, has your costume come in yet? Have you tried it on? Well, try it on, there’s a good fellow, just to make sure. No, not now, when we finish rehearsal, dear.
Carolyne, do we have it now, dear? Can we just go back a bit so we can run into it? Motivation, Carolyne? You’re being chased by a bear, dear. Yes, I would think quickly, don’t you? Imagine Paul is going to maul you. No, with his big bear claws, dear.
No, I know this isn’t the proper Shakespeare one, I don’t think we’re quite up to the real one just yet, dear. This is Shakespeare interpreted. Well, the chap who wrote this one is trying to make Shakespeare more accessible. .. Accessible dear. Means people can understand it. Yes, dear, that is a point. If he had said ‘go off’ in English you would understand it better, I agree. Now, yes, you are still looking beautiful but you must pretend the bear is trying to eat you, so you will go off very quickly. Back to places everybody please.
What’s the problem dear? Just to the side there dear, stage left. There will be a large tree there and you go off right behind that. Wait a moment, shall I put a mark on the floor there so you know where it will be? Let me just get up the stairs here. Can I have a couple of bits of tape, Jim, please? No, no, no, don’t let go, let me just grab the tape. There, dear, a nice big cross. You go out where the cross is and it will be behind the tree. When it’s there. When will it be there Jim? Ah, I see, after the moonlit dell. Before dress rehearsal I trust? And by the technical rehearsal? Mm, just do your best dear. Perhaps someone can help you.
Now are you ready? Paul? Paul? Where are you dear? Paul? Oh there you are, thought we’d lost you for a minute. The costume doesn’t fit? Oh dear. We specifically asked for your size, too. Well, we’ll just have to see what Sue can do. She might be able to let it out a bit or put a gusset in it or something. Oh, what about the head? Ah. Well so long as it goes on OK. We can just get Carolyne to scream a bit and you can chase the sound of her voice and you won’t need to be able to see. But mind the tree.
Let’s try again, shall we? You know where you’re going, Carolyne? Don’t forget to scream, dear. Yes, you need to get into practice. Paul can see you now, but you still need to practice so you do it automatically when he has his head on. Here we go now. Lovely scream, dear. Mind the scenery, mind! Oh dear. Are you hurt dear? That’s all right, then, just give it a rub. The scenery? Yes, it is a bit of a shame. Never mind, Jim’ll fix it.
Now one last go for posterity. Posterity, dear. Never mind, it’s just a little theatre saying. Now, just one more time and we’ll move on. What, dear? No, we’re not going to just pretend for the moment to be terrified, we are going to be terrified. Ohh, look, just get on with it, dear. Just exit, pursued by the bloody bear!