Things You Must Know Before You Travel... kinda, sorta, not really
Knowledge Is Power
My friend and I were talking about dialects the other day and it got me to thinking. This is never a good thing. The following words come from the process of my brain thinking. It may be scary; if you’re prone to nightmares, please leave the room.
If you have ever traveled around this great country of ours you know that depending on where you are, it may seem as though you have actually crossed into a completely different country. If it seems this way, it's because you have, actually crossed into another country. Most people think the United States is a bunch of states that are united. I'm not sure where they get this idea; it is so completely bogus.
If you go to the West Coast, you’ve entered Europe. They send all their tax money to David Cameron. That may be a big part of why their economy is not doing so well. The last I heard Prime Minister Cameron was refusing to send any of it back.
California is so obviously its own country that they now have border checks. If you try to sneak in a toy poodle you’re in huge trouble. They’ve met their quota of small dogs that go into purses. They don’t want any more. If they find you with one, they will let you through, but your dog will be sent to China where he will be enjoyed at lunchtime, or for lunch, something like that. Pack a thong and a Mankini instead and you should fit right in. It’s my understanding that Speedo’s for men are still “out”.
If you go to Alaska, you’re in Russia, only with way better jobs and moose burgers. You've got to make sure to bring a big furry hat so you fit in. Just make sure not to wear it when hiking as someone from a helicopter may think you're a bear, shoot you, and take you home for dinner.
I’ve never been to Alaska, but I have a friend who lives there. She tells me she can see Russia from her house. Seriously. And, no, her name is not Sarah, but in fairness she does live on a yacht in the Bering Straight. If you go to Alaska, bring a Russian interpreter; you never know when you might need one. Also bring a gun.
If you visit New England, you’re in a cold; seemingly heartless country that looks down on capitalism while making sure his or her piece of the pie is bigger than anyone else’s; I’m pretty sure it’s actually Canada.
In New England people go about their business and knock over anyone who stands between them and whatever business they’re going about. The knocked over person completely understands because they know this is how it must be for chaos not to rule the day. This does not mean that they won’t yell obscenities at you if you knock them over; that’s the way people in the north say, “Have a good day going about your business!”
People from the southern states will sit and wait behind another car through two lights before getting out of their car and checking to make sure the person who didn’t go on green is OK. The person who didn’t go then yells obscenities at the person who asked because they were from the north and too busy texting and going about their business to notice the light. The obscenities are, again, their way of saying, “Have a good day going about your business”, they may even throw in an extra cuss word or two for “Thanks for giving me a heads up about the light.”
So, if you’re traveling north, you may want to flag down a trucker and brush up on all the latest swear words. If you choose not to, don’t be surprised if no one seems to understand a word you say.
The Midwest is an enigma; they seem to stay pretty much under the radar and away from being made fun of by people like me. More power to them!
If you end up in The South you’re in Pre-Civil War America (which is a different country, don’t argue with me on this one, you won’t win.). They're still holding on to their confederate money. They know it'll be worth something one day. There have been leaks that David Cameron is considering taking it as California is about to run out of their money.
The South has a nice alternative to cursing, bless their hearts.
They’ll talk about the guy at the light when they get to work. They’ll smile real sweet, and say, “There was this fella at the light, I’m pretty sure he was completely snookered, bless his heart.” The trick is to always say, “bless his or her heart” after any insult. Then you don’t actually sound insulting. It really works.
“My neighbor’s wife is cheating with the UPS man, bless her heart.”
“Her husband is a complete drunk, bless his heart,”
“Their poor children are juvenile delinquents, bless their hearts, you can just imagine what they must go through.”
You’ve managed to insult the whole family while sounding like you give a damn at the same time. You’ve got to love the south!
I tried it the other day. I said, “Mom, you are going in a nursing home when you’re older, bless your heart.” After I picked myself up from being knocked across the room, I realized that it’s a southern thing, and I’m not in the south.
It's important to remember that certain things are only acceptable in our great country when done from the correct region. I’m going to Tennessee next week, I think I’ll give her a call and try it again from there.
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