Five Reasons Why Paris Hilton Is Richer And Sexier Than You Are

In spite of a patently wonky eye, the sort of fault that would have a show dog turfed off a judging table without a single moment's thought, Paris is still somehow managing to be both sexy and rich. How is she dong this? Why aren't you doing this? Why will Paris always be richer and sexier than you are? (Unless you're Kim Kardashian of course, in which case you're probably making a really good run at beating her at both games.)

Paris Made A Sex Tape

When was the last time you were sexually humiliated in front of millions of people? The old saying that there's no such thing as too much bad publicity for being a total slut rings true here.

Paris Is An Heiress

I'm betting that you didn't pick your parents that well. Your parents are probably Doctors, or Janitors, or Rocket Scientists or something. You Fool! If only you'd picked the Hiltons as parents you could have had an oddly distant yet toy filled childhood and grown up to be ridiculously rich for no apparent reason. Paris made 200 million dollars last year. You probably didn't, because you didn't put the pre conception ground work in. That's always been your problem, you cut corners. Stop being so damned lazy.

Paris Reads The Bible

Paris reads the Bible so much that she doesn't even have a favorite passage. She knows it so well that the whole thing is just like one big long Bible passage to her. You probably don't know the Bible that well. You're probably a fake Christian, not like Paris, Paris is the real deal, see?

Paris Is Named After The Capital Of France

Your stupid parents probably called you Sharon, or Jessica, or Elizabeth or something commonplace like that. If you were really unlucky then your parents called you Brandy or Crystal or something along those lines. If your parents called you a name that fits better in the second group than the first, watch out, they probably plan to sell your ass at some point. They don't call them stripper names for nothing.

Paris Gets A Little Naked A Lot

Paris often slips out the nippular part of her breast, or sometimes her dress flies up and 'shock!' 'horror!' she's not wearing any panties! Though this can often be a sign of thrush, many men still find it sexy. After all, they saw the sex tape so they feel almost like they've already been intimate with her. A few unfortunate males have probably already discovered that real life sometimes smells a lot funnier than sex tapes.