Funny Epiphanies of an Insomniac
When I cannot sleep I write. When I have not slept for several days I start writing increasingly bizarre things. These are those bizarre things.
· You know what roses call Valentine's Day? The Holocaust.
· You put packages in mailboxes right? So, shouldn’t they be called femailboxes?
· Any time I see a couple dancing “inappropriately” told to leave room for Jesus, I get the urge to say, “What? Like a threesome?”
· When Zorro got drunk you could tell because he slashed Ns instead of Zs. Norro: Zorro’s dreaded drunk alter ego.
· It’s hard to get a date when women scare the crap out of you.
· I never understood people who heckle comedians; it doesn’t seem like a good idea to piss off someone who makes fun of people for a living.
· It is a good thing we don’t have taste buds on our ass.
· In my World History class I observed one underlying theme; white people are friggin’ mean.
When I die, I want to go like the Colombia
astronauts; I want 6 million people to see me explode in a giant fireball that
smears my body over 11 states. I want them to find my middle toe in a field in Tennessee and a part of
my spleen on The Strip in Vegas.
· I think professional football would be better if there was one landmine hidden somewhere in the field.
· If a circus catches fire, is it a freak accident?
· Do priests get paid by the soul? Like a commission?
· I’ll bet Danishes were invented by cannibals. When the cannibal cook first tasted his new creation, he was asked, “So what does it taste like?” He responded, “Hmmm kind of Danish.”
· My computer is so bad it’s good; it doesn’t meet the minimum system requirements for viruses.
· If ever someone is being a little mean, but not quite mean enough to be a jerk, you should call them a tug.
· I don’t see how the phrase, “You got served!” is insulting, “Oh yea well you didn’t get a tip!”
· The plural form of bitch is batch.
· Sometimes people ask why I don’t do cross-country anymore. I say I would but I don’t like things that suck.
· I think that instead of being called retarded they should say they weren’t tarded in the first place.
· I’ve found trying to write a novel is like trying to run in a swimming pool.
· Whoever coined the term astrology was looking in the wrong direction.
· In Arkansas, instead of yo momma jokes they have my papa jokes.
· You see a lot of Bradley fighting vehicles in the news. Bradley doesn’t sound very Islamic; they should be called Aqmehd fighting vehicles.
· The coastguard seems to be unique; they are the only government agency that nobody ever complains about.
· Cars don’t like manual transmissions; they’re shifty.
· In sixth grade my principle asked me to stop singing at mass. Honest to God. I’m THAT good.
· It’s harder to be awkward before puberty.
· How did we arrive at 8½” by 11” as standard? It seems kind of random.
· Hockey is the only sport in the world where when a player gets hurt they don’t need to put it on ice.
· Many people confuse ignorance with stupidity; being ignorant doesn’t make you stupid, however being stupid can make you ignorant, and you can be ignorant to the point of stupidity.
· Can you believe that there are such things as cancer benefits? What kind of sick freak would want to benefit cancer?
· Do old people who have sudden seizures get arrested because they don’t have a warrant?
· To be a man is to know, or at least think deep down inside, that you could kick anyone’s ass. This can cause… problems.
· In the U.S, taxation without representation is everywhere, for 17 years I paid sales tax yet I couldn’t vote; why is this?
· The only thing better than a captive audience is a paying audience.
· I always thought the song House of the Rising Sun was about a Japanese embassy; it isn’t.
· I don’t burp; I echolocate.
· Macbeth is like Hamlet’s ugly evil twin.
· Hussein was said to have put landmines around his bunkers to keep his soldiers from surrendering. It seems like it would be easier to just not give them white flags. Where do these white flags come from anyway? Does every military installation in the world have a little box on the wall with a “break glass in case of ass whupping” sign on it?
· Why is it called the Central Intelligence Agency when its base is in Virginia, which is way over on the east coast? It should be in Kansas.
· Built from scratch: something bought with gambling proceeds.
· It’s really hard to spell dachshund.
· My plan for getting into MIT is to visit the dean of admissions and build a robot that plays the guitar out of the things on his desk.
· One time in fifth grade I got –20 points on a 15 point assignment. I got all the questions wrong. I didn’t show all of my work, which the teacher told us we’d lose 5 points for. I finished it in class, which was another 5 points off, and I made a disparaging remark about the teacher under my breath which the teacher heard from all the way across the room. She docked me another 10 points for the remark.
· I rule the world; it’s not my fault nobody follows their damn orders.
· What sounds better Pat the Magnificent, or The Magnificent Pat?
· I write some really weird shit at 2:00 in the morning.
· You know how the low rider fashion got started? Some guy took a dump and forgot to pull up his pants when he was done, but he was o smooth he played it off as intentional.
· Somebody should name a public high school after John Litzgit.
· Shouldn’t a mistress be called a missesess, unless you’re gay that is?
· The color turquoise is misnamed. I’ve seen Turks before and they do not look like that.
· Of all the professions, pizza delivery boy is truly the most noble.
· This is the only grammatically correct sentence that I can write.
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