Funny Facebook Status Updates to Brighten Your Day

After reading some of my friends' status updates in my newsfeed on Facebook, I realized that I have some ridiculously funny friends that enjoy sharing the crazy little things that happen to them on a daily basis. Now, I think we all aspire to be the witty and sarcastic person who comes up with the perfect Facebook status for each situation we find ourselves in, thus making everyday life seem more epic and meaningful than it really is...but some people just don't have it in them. If you are one of those people, please take note of the masterful tone and use of the English language in these short, less than 140 character (for the most part) bits of humor.

I've put together a list of real status updates from my friends for your enjoyment.

• The oatmeal from McDonald's is FABULOUS!
• You know you're a BA when you get shot in the chest and still deliver your planned speech before going to the hospital.  Teddy Roosevelt.  America's OG
• In case you're wondering, yes, too much wine is possible.
• Dear Visa,
  If you could please "lose" some of the charges that have been incurred on my card this month that would be a great Christmas present.  We can tell everyone it was a malfunction.  No one will know but us.  K thanks!
• Dear Wal-Mart Employee, I'm glad you were enjoying your oozing mayonnaise subway sandwich, however coming up to me and calling me "my lady" and telling me I'm beautiful while I'm trying to quickly eat lunch (so that I don't have to stare at you anymore) does not entice me.  I don't see us working out. Sorry.
• I would rather pour lemon juice on papercuts in between all of my fingers than fold and put away laundry.
• Western Michigan University:  One of Trojan's top 13 most sexually healthy colleges in the country.  Also on the list, U of M and State.  Good job everyone.
• I try really hard not to judge people based on the contents of their shopping cart at the grocery store, but some people just make it too hard to resist.
• I have discovered teeth marks on the toes of my black pointy high heels.  "Oooooh, I wonder how that happened?" you might ask.  Well let me tell you.  TERRORIST KITTENS. That is how.  Two little 10-week old kittens have decided to make my shoe area a playful wonderland.  This does not make me happy.  However, they are too cute to scold or even be mad at.  They are masterminds I tell you.  Terrorist masterminds.
• The best wines come in boxes.  Big ones.  Or gallon jugs.
• My soup smells like beer...
• Dear friends, always remember that $2 wells are no bargain in the end.  Trust me on this.
• So far this morning I have already seen a man pick his nose and another itch his butt.
• The kid sitting next to me reeks of play-dough.
• Dear Storm Team 8:  I live in MIchigan, it's January.  I am pretty sure it's gonna snow today, tomorrow, and the next day.  You do not need to take up 25% of my TV screen telling me so.
• Is there a rule in the canine handbook that dictates that EVERY time your owner is in the shower you must go stand at the entry door and bark as if Norman Bates is picking the lock?
• Dear Santa,
  Are you still keeping the two different lists?  If so, I won't waste your time...
• Just got hit on by a toothless dude in the Dr. waiting room.  Guess I've still got it.
• Is there a point when "frequently drunk" becomes "infrequently sober?"
• Some people live in the fast lane.  I live in oncoming traffic.
• Where do Slim Jim's fall in the basic food group categories?
• Watching other people drink beer is exhausting.