Hilarious Universe: Collection of Funny Quotes

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Are there other sentient beings out there?

And what is the meaning of it all?

For as long as our little spaceship Earth keeps spinning around the Sun, we will be asking these questions. So I invite you, my fellow space travelers, to join me in this frivolous, whimsical, completely mind-boggling exploration of the universe and our place in it.

Messier 101, twice the size of the Milky Way, is one of billions of galaxies in the Universe.
Messier 101, twice the size of the Milky Way, is one of billions of galaxies in the Universe. | Source
Homer's donut shaped universe
Homer's donut shaped universe | Source

What Is Universe?

Stephen Hawking : Your theory of a donut shaped universe is intriguing Homer, I may have to steal it.

Homer Simpson : Wow, I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me. ("The Simpsons")

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♦ Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. (Woody Allen)

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♦ Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. (Albert Einstein)

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♦ What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. (Woody Allen)

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♦ At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. (Jean Houston)

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♦ The universe has a sense of irony, and sometimes you get reminded just how sadistic that can be. (Laurell K. Hamilton)

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♦ Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)

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♦ Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things. (Woody Allen)

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The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be. (Douglas Adams)

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♦ The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever. (Craig Ferguson)

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Extraordinary story of Albert Einstein on DVD

♦ The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible. (Albert Einstein)

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♦ We are an impossibility in an impossible universe. (Ray Bradbury)

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♦ Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. (Steven Wright)

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♦ The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked up in the safe. (Peter De Vries)

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♦ The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. (Kilgore Trout)

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♦ Humor is just another defense against the universe. (Mel Brooks)

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♦ The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract. (Robert A. Heinlein)

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♦ The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. (Mark Russell)

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Ken : You are the last hope of the universe.

Fry : So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?

Ken : Yes - except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock. ("Futurama")

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Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it. (Fred Hoyle)

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♦ Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. (Rich Cook)

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♦ Mother are we flying through the Universe?

Are we dying through the universe? (Scars On Broadway, "Universe")

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♦ (Stewie and Brian in the Washington Post Political Cartoon Universe)

Stewie : Oh God lets go quick. Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a democracy umbrella.

Brian: (Laughs) Yes! Ohoho, that oughta wake people up!

Stewie: (Pause) Shut the fuck up. ("The Family Guy")

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The universe seems bankrupt as soon as we begin to discuss the characters of individuals. (Henry David Thoreau)

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♦ My own suspicion is that the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose. (John B. S. Haldane)

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♦ Once upon a time, in some out of the way corner of that universe which is dispersed into numberless twinkling solar systems, there was a star upon which clever beasts invented knowing. (Friedrich Nietzsche)

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♦ My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all. (Stephen Hawking)

Stephen Hawking's warning to aliens
Stephen Hawking's warning to aliens | Source
George Bernard Shaw
George Bernard Shaw

Complete Woody Allen Film Collection (19 disks)

Creation vs. Accident

♦ To say that the universe exists is silly, because it says that the universe is one of the things in the universe. So there's something wrong with questions like, "What caused the Universe to exist?" (Marvin Minsky)

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♦ In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. (Douglas Adams)

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♦ The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. (Woody Allen)

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♦ Nothing is accidental in the universe - this is one of my Laws of Physics - except the entire universe itself, which is Pure Accident, pure divinity. (Joyce Carol Oates)

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♦ I have never grown out of the infantile belief that the universe was made for me to suck. (Aleister Crowley)

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♦ The priest argued with George Bernard Shaw that the universe exists, thus somebody must have made it. Shaw countered that if that somebody exists, somebody must have made him, and the priest agreed that there could be a maker of God. But, the priest continued, an infinite line of makers of God is unthinkable and extravagant, so the only sensible option is to believe in just one maker. Shaw said that it was just as easy for him to believe that the universe made itself.

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♦ I cannot believe that God would choose to play dice with the universe. (Albert Einstein)

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♦ It takes a long time before we really get to grips with this [Darwin's 'On the Origin of Species'] and begin to understand it, because not only does it seem incredible and thoroughly demeaning to us, but it's yet another shock to our system to discover that not only are we not the centre of the Universe and we're not made by anything, but we started out as some kind of slime and got to where we are via being a monkey. It just doesn't read well. (Douglas Adams)

Source

Are We Alone?

♦ I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. (Woody Allen)

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♦ If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. (George Carlin)

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♦ Aliens could exhibit colors that are not in our spectrum. Aliens could look like coke bottles, or could be composed of magnetic forces and undetectable to the human eye. They could be just a strange smell in the air. They could be completely digital and look like beautiful strange fractal chaotic swirls. Who knows? (Cameron Mckechnie)

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♦ Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people. (Carl Sagan)

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♦ [O]ne might ask why, in a galaxy of a few hundred billion stars, the aliens are so intent on coming to Earth at all. It would be as if every vertebrate in North America somehow felt drawn to a particular house in Peoria, Illinois. Are we really that interesting? (Seth Shostak)

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♦ We might find ourselves in alien test tubes set up to investigate us as we do guinea pigs. If the space phone rings, for God's sake, let us not answer it. (Zdenek Kopal)

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Arthur C. Clarke Collection: over 50 programs exploring the mysteries of the world

♦ Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. (Arthur C. Clarke)

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♦ We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special. (Stephen Hawking)

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♦ How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak? (Jay Leno)

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♦ Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. (Aldous Huxley)

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♦ So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,

How amazingly unlikely is your birth,

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,

'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth. (Monty Python, "Galaxy Song")

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♦ The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. (Bill Watterson)

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♦ Outside intelligences, exploring the solar system with true impartiality, would be quite likely to enter the sun in their records thus: Star X, spectral class G0, 4 planets plus debris. (Isaac Asimov)

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♦ Barnes : If this translation is right this alien sounds like an idiot.

Beth: That's something to consider—a stupid alien. Well, they must have them. ("Sphere")

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♦ Our sun is one of 100 billion stars in our galaxy. Our galaxy is one of billions of galaxies populating the universe. It would be the height of presumption to think that we are the only living beings in that enormous immensity. (Wernher von Braun)

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♦ What did the metric alien say? Take me to your liter.

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♦ There is a point of view among astronomical researchers that is generally referred to as the Principle of Mediocrity. ... If the Sun and its retinue of worlds is only one system among many, then many other systems will be like ours: home to life. Indeed, to the extent that this is true, we should be prepared for the possibility that, even in the Milky Way galaxy, billions of planets may be carpeted by the dirty, nasty business known as life. (Seth Shostak)

Tetherball?
Tetherball? | Source

© 2010 Lana Zakinov

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Comments 14 comments

nextstopjupiter profile image

nextstopjupiter 5 years ago from here, there and everywhere

Great quotes, thanks for sharing!


kalinin1158 profile image

kalinin1158 5 years ago from California Author

Thank you nextstopjupiter! And I would like to meet people from other planets, too :-) I think maybe the Universe will make more sense then


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago

My hope is in the after life we learn all of the answers!:-)


kalinin1158 profile image

kalinin1158 5 years ago from California Author

Unless afterlife is just another jigsaw puzzle ;-)


NYmichael profile image

NYmichael 5 years ago from near NYC

Ah, you must have a lot of free time on your hands!

So thanks for the potpourri.

and btw, who is the girl in your profile pic?

Luv u.

Michael


Hazzabanana8 profile image

Hazzabanana8 4 years ago from Southern Realms of England

Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.

Personal favourite :)

All good though, rated up.


kalinin1158 profile image

kalinin1158 4 years ago from California Author

Thanks :-) My favourite is from "Futurama":

Ken : You are the last hope of the universe.

Fry : So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?

Ken : Yes - except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock.


jimagain profile image

jimagain 3 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

I know the universe does exist. You and I, I'm not so sure about.

What more can you ask? A Hub that quotes Albert Einstein AND Homer Simpson. Now that's really cool!


kalinin1158 profile image

kalinin1158 3 years ago from California Author

Thank you. Personally, I think we're all Vishnu's dream :-)


Molly 3 years ago

My fav..

Maybe this world is another planets hell...

Aldous Hexley


kalinin1158 profile image

kalinin1158 3 years ago from California Author

Molly, I've been thinking that for years! It would explain a lot. But what would explain all the joy, and love, and wonder?


M. T. Dremer profile image

M. T. Dremer 3 years ago from United States

Great collection! I love quotes about science and I love quotes with humor, so this is a good find!


kalinin1158 profile image

kalinin1158 3 years ago from California Author

Thank you M.T.! I think you definitely need humor when you approach the BIG questions of life ;-)


IM HIGH 12 months ago

SOO HIGH RIGHT NOW

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