Funny Quotes

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown. 
-- Conan OBrien 

It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours. 
-- Harry S. Truman 

We don't all agree on everything. I don't agree with myself on everything.

--Rudy Giuliani

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. 
-- Anonymous 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

- Robert Bloch

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. 
Margaret Thatcher

 Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. 

Benjamin Franklin

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

Benjamin Franklin

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

-- Brooke Shields

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

--Alfred A

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

--Benny Hill

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we

--Erica Jong

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times.

--Mark Twain

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
 Zsa Zsa Gabor 

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
 Dean Martin 

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein 

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield 

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
Henry Kissinger

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein

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Comments 5 comments

Jess Killmenow profile image

Jess Killmenow 7 years ago from Nowheresville, Eastern United States

Great stuff. Grant me the senility and the eyesight. Yes. LOL

mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

I enjoy reading this hub. Thumbs up on rating for ya. I wonder how the heck AL Gore had managed to run for president?!

Envoy profile image

Envoy 7 years ago from USA Author

lol thanks guys!

I have never had so much fun while writing a hub heh heh I am workin on another one as well :)

Luciendasky profile image

Luciendasky 7 years ago from Florence, OR

These are great - now off to read your other funny quotes hub!

Envoy profile image

Envoy 7 years ago from USA Author

Thanks lol

I love to laugh :)

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