A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown.
-- Conan OBrien
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman
We don't all agree on everything. I don't agree with myself on everything.
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
- Margaret Thatcher
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
-- Brooke Shields
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
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