Funny stories about couples (continuation)
After finishing the first "Funny stories about couples" hub I realize there were so many funny jokes with couples that it was mandatory to make another one. So here it is and I hope you like it at least as much as you liked the first one.
I will start with some short stories in order to "warm" the laughing engines for the longer ones that follows.
There is nothing better than smiling (except laughing)
Funny short stories
Seeing that his friend was married for so long, this angry guy asked him what was his secret.
- "Well, my friend it is very simple! In the first fifteen days of each month I let my wife do everything she wants..."
- "And in the other fifteen days?"
- "I do everything she wants!"
While on their honeymoon journey this young couple arrived to the hotel and made the check-in at the reception.
Very gently the manager asked them:
- "Do you want to be waked by us?"
- "Yes, yes! Responds the agitated newly wife. - "Can you please wake us at one o'clock, again at three, at five and finally at seven."
Two friends were talking about the wonders of the East.
- "When we completed 25 years of marriage I took my wife to Japan."
- Really? That´s great! And what are you planning to do when you reach 50 years of marriage?"
- "I will probably go there once again and seek for her."
A popular standup comic's gentle riffs on the non-single state. Buy two -- one for yourself, one for your significant other -- and read them in bed together.
Talk to me...
A woman standing in front of the mirror said to her husband:
- "Oh my love, I'm so fat and so ugly. I really need to hear a nice compliment."
And her husband promptly said:
- "You have such a good vision…"
- "Honey, what do you prefer? A beautiful woman or an intelligent one?"
- "Neither. You know I only love you."
The wife enters the kitchen and found her husband busy killing flies.
- "What are you doing?"
- "I'm hunting flies."
- "And have you killed any?"
- "Yes! 3 males and 2 females."
Surprised she asked him:
- "But how can you distinguish their sex?"
- "Easy! 3 were on a bottle of beer and the other 2 were on the phone..."
No man can bear with birth pains and survive...
A man and his wife went to the hospital to have their first baby.
When they got there the doctor said he had invented a machine that could split the pain of childbirth with the father of the child. He asked if they wanted to try this new invention and they instantaneously accepted the offer.
The doctor regulated the machine to transfer only 10% of pain to the father, saying that it would be enough because being a man he could not bear more than that.
The woman began the work of childbirth and the husband was feeling very well. Thus the doctor decided to increase the rate of pain to 20%. The husband was still feeling fine.
The intrigued doctor measured heartbeat and his blood pressure and everything was normal. Then he decided to go to 50%.
After a few minutes when the baby was almost born, and as the husband was still well, the doctor decided to transfer the pain of childbirth 100% for the husband and gave the woman a birth without pain. She and her husband were feeling themselves very well.
Upon arrival at home they found the postman drop dead on their front balcony!
Modern couples communication - Very funny!
Modern couples communication II - Very funny!
Don´t argue, be happy!
A couple was interviewed on a television program because they were married for 50 years and they never had an argument.
The curious reporter asked the woman:
- "But you never ever fight?"
- "No." She answered.
- "How did you manage?"
- "Well, when we got married my husband had a mare. She was the creature he loved the most in his life. On the day of our marriage we went on honeymoon in our cart pulled by the mare. After a few meters and the mare stoped without been order to. My husband looked to the mare and said: - One!
A few metres ahead and the mare stoped again. My husband saw the mare and said: - Two!
When she stoped for the third time he grabbed his rifle and shot her five times. I was very scared and asked him why did he had to kill her.
My husband looked at me and said:
- One... And after that day we never argued again."
Now you see what could happen to me!
A beggar enter into a bar and addressed to a man sitting there by the table and asked him:
- "Could you pay me a coffee?"
The man answered:
- "Don´t you prefer a beer?"
- "No sir. I don´t drink."
- "Want a cigarette after that coffee?"
- "No sir. I don´t smoke."
- "I'm here choosing the numbers for the lottery. Give me your guess."
- "I am sorry sir. I don´t gamble."
- "What do you think about a program with some girls?"
- "Oh no, I can´t. I am married and I don´t cheat on my wife"
After that the man went home taking the beggar with him. Arriving home his intrigued wife asked her husband:
- "What was on your mind to bring this dirty beggar to our home?"
- "I brought him so you could see what happen to a man who do not drink, do not smoke, do not gamble and does not go out with other girls from time to time."
How much there is in your piggy bank?
Never undervalue your better half...
The husband turned to the woman and said:
- "We will put a $5.00 note in the safe every time we make love."
The woman agreed.
When they reached the end of the year, he said:
- "Lets see how much we already have?" And he opened the safe but very surprised he asked her:
- "Why there are $10.00 and $50.00 notes in the safe?"
- "Do you think everyone is grasping as you are!?"
Listen carefully what your kid have to say...
A woman was out for two days to visit a sick friend. When she returned to the apartment his son embraces her and said:
- "Mom Mom, guess what happened? Yesterday while I was playing inside your cabinet I saw dad enter into the bedroom with our neighbour. They took their cloths and laid onto the bed and dad jumped on top of her and..."
The mother instantly covered her son´s mouth with her hand and said:
"Do not say anything more, my son. We will wait for your father to get back and you´ll repeat it to him, okay!?"
When the father returned from work his wife told him:- "I´m going to leave you. I will take my luggage and I will leave."
- "But why?"
The wife called for the boy and said:- "Speak child. Tell your father what you have told me."
And the kid said:- "Yesterday, while I was playing inside your cabinet I saw dad enter into the bedroom with our neighbour. They took their cloths and jumped to bed and dad jumped on top of her and they did the same thing that mother and uncle Mark did when dad traveled last month."
Everything has its price...
This couple were dining in a luxurious restaurant when suddenly a beautiful blonde woman approached their table. She gave a huge kiss on the husband´s mouth and left without saying a word.
- "What was that, John? Who was that woman!" Said the wife.
- "Well, dear... I should have told you before..."
- "So, tell me right now!"
- "She is my lover!"
- "Lover!? You don´t deserve me! I want the divorce immediately!"
- "Okay... but don´t forget our vacation in Europe, the clothes you wear, the parties that you like to give... she has been paying for all that."
The wife stayed in silence and continued eating.
Suddenly, a friend of the couple passes by showing a dazzling brunette.
- "Who is this woman with Tom?"
- "It is his lover of course!"
- "Ours is much better, don´t you think?"
I only have fun when I´m with you!
A young couple was invited to a fantasy party. The wife ended up having a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone. He tried to change her mind and told her that he did not want to go alone. She said she was not going but that he should not lose such a funny party. So he picked up his fantasy and went to the party.
After sleeping one hour the wife no longer felt the headache and as it was still early she decided to go that fantasy party. As her husband did not know how it was her fantasy she thought it would be a good opportunity to watch his behavior when she was not around.
She arrived at the party and soon saw her husband on the dance floor dancing with a beautiful woman. Kissed here, passing a hand there...
The wife went to his side suggesting that she was willing to start something 'more agitated' with him. She allowed him to go where he wanted, after all he was her husband. He whispered something in his ear and she agreed. They went to the car and made love without withdrawing the masks.
Soon after she left the party and went home wondering what would be the explanation he would give about his behavior at the party. When he arrived home she was laying in bed reading a book and she asked how was the party.- "Oh, the same thing as always. You know that I'd never have fun when you're not with me."- "But you didn´t dance with anyone?"- "Honey, I didn´t dance one single song with anyone. When I arrived at the party I found Peter, Diana, Tom and the rest of my friends. We went to the kitchen and we kept playing poker all night long. But I will tell you one thing... the guy that took my costume said it was an incredible night."
You are just what your wife expects from you...
Thomas Wheeler, CEO of the Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance, told this story:
My wife and I pulled into a dumpy gas station with just one pump and only one man working. I asked him to fill the gas tank while I added the oil. I closed the hood and saw my wife talking and smiling with the man. Later, my wife admitted they had dated seriously in high school. Bragging, I said:
- "If you had married him, you would be the wife of a gas station attendant instead of a CEO."
My wife replied:
- "Dear if I had married him, he would be the CEO and you would be the gas station attendant."
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