Got Milk? (Things people tell me about milk that they saw on commercials / PSA's / Ad Campaigns)

I guess you could say I'm not a fan of milk. Like, the drink milk, not people named Milk.

I used to drink it all the time, but it gave me too much bloating and gas, so I stopped after I got to a certain age. This is pretty natural since most adult animals develop some degree of lactose intolerance as they grow. After all, there's no real need for milk after the initial stages of ones infancy. In fact, I realized that all of the nutrients that milk was praised for--namely, Vitamin D and Calcium--I could find in all sorts of other places, and that calcium-fortified orange juice was much easier on my stomach in the morning anyway.

This should have been the end of it. Don't like milk, don't drink milk. Easy enough.

Except it's not, because all around me, I'm faced with the pro-milk voices of dairy crusaders that have grown up on a regular dose of "got milk?" and "Milk: Does a Body Good" commercials and vignettes that have somehow seeped so deeply into their brains that no amount of argument against the eternal virtues of milk could turn them away from this creamy cow-udder goodness.

Photo by H. Zell
Photo by H. Zell

A typical (exaggerated version of a) conversation:

"Here, have some milk. Oh, you don't like milk?"

"Yeah, I don't think milk is very good for you. Personally, I don't like the taste much and the casein in it makes it notoriously hard to digest. Yuck, I don't think it's worth the trouble."

"What? That's really too bad that you don't like it. Milk is really good for you. It has a lot of calcium in it which is good for your bones and blah blah blah [insert other things your Mom always tells you]."

"I just drink this orange juice here. See? They added calcium to it. If you look at the label, you'll see that it actually has slightly more calcium than that milk. And more vitamin D, too. And C for that matter. So, anyway..."

"Wait, what? But milk is still better for you."

"Why?"

"Because...because this calcium is better."

"Huh? Why?"

"Because! Milk does a body good! It's magic calcium!"

That's when I started to realize exactly how deeply propaganda from dairy farmers had affected my peers. Just because of a Got Milk ad campaign (and maybe the 57,000 "Got Milk?" jokes that they have since bred), my friends had abandoned reason. Feeling curious, I set out to examine it further today, and ran into this old ad on YouTube:

Oh, okay, that explains it. What more of a compelling argument could you possibly deliver: Drink milk and it'll get you a girlfriend.

Testosterone had nothing to do with it, of course; that kid grew up to be a buff chick-magnet because of MILK.

I don't know about you, but I'm convinced. I take back everything I ever said about milk. It probably makes your babies prettier, too.

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