Greg Sage and His Possibly Unhealthy Relationship with a Petite Lap Giraffe

Basically, what we have here is an animal rights issue. Okay? I mean, really.

This little lap giraffe named Jerry didn't ask to be the white slave of a guy named Greg Sage. The petite giraffe was just minding it's own business, nestled in the forest, munching pine cones or something, when Greg Sage captured it with a butterfly net, threw it in the back of his red pickup truck with the rifle rack, and took home his petite lap trophy, shouting, "Woooohhooo, how to make money writing for HubPages"...all the way home.

These miniature giraffes are warm and fuzzy creatures with an obedient and affectionate nature. The reason they're called "lap giraffes" is because they love laying across a person's lap, with their wee legs collapsed under them, and their (comparatively) long necks reaching up to nuzzle under "their person's" chin.

These lap giraffes may be found in the wild, in Epping Forrest, the Old Black Forrest, and, strangely enough, In Central Park,in New York City, congregating around the fountain there and having a good gossip, mostly about Greg Sage and his vaguely repellent personal habits. (We can't get into details about that on HubPages, you understand.)

Greg took his aimable and affectionate prize home and immediately proceeded to exploit the H*** out of the poor thing. Aside from having the poor taste to re-name the animal "Jerry", (whose real name is Horatio Alger), Greg then set the poor beast to churning out pages and pages of, well, not to put too fine a point on it...

Crap.

It's extremely fortunate that Horatio not only is affectionate and obedient, but also has a sense of humour...he managed to sneak a little bit of subtle lampooning of the demeaning, misleading and incoherent piles of horse puckey he was forced to produce, which saved us all from glassy-eyed convulsions upon reading this product, and brought the smiles to our faces.

DISCLAIMER:

This was intended to be a comical send-up or roast of Mr. Sage, and not intended to be taken seriously as an attack on Mr. Sage or his helpers.

Please do NOT regard any personal references or aspersions cast on Mr. Sage's character to be valid or true, or intended to wound.

Mr. Sage is well on the way to becoming a cyber-friend of mine. I have the theory it's good to be cyber-friends with those from other planets.

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Comments 44 comments

Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

I was wrong--both of BL's are still gone, I hope he saved them, and will re-publish them at a later date...

Don't go, please don't go, biblicaliving. I know it doesn't pay much but I would miss you, and here I've just found you!


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

Actually, both of my "Greg Sage" posts have been banned. I guess perhaps I should have stuck with "10 ways to clean lint out of your naval," or something innocuous like that. Obviously "Hubpages" is an oppressive regime. They don't appreciate humor, nor do you make any significant financial gains from your efforts. I'm thinking about checking out "Squidoo.."


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

I think it really was two separate issues for them: they wanted us to yank our hubs for attacking you, not understanding that you weren't REALLY upset, you were only joking. The reason they closed the thread for replies and banned you from the forums was because the thread was "self-promotional", or something like that.

I think both of BL's (and now both of mine) are back up, and I agree, BL's are REALLY a laff riot!

We probably have gone as far with this as we want to, right? I think it might just be getting a little old for our fellow hubbers.


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

That thread was boring anyway... it just never took off. Everyone was on their way out the door for the day. The first one with BL was a laugh riot about the picture (another stock photo he found of the same mic in my avatar) being a violation of my privacy for him to post.

ahh.... good times.

Both of them got me banned, of course, but hey, if you're not willing to suffer for your art...

One might note, however, that if the staffers believe as stated that the hub was construed as slanderous and I was just in the forums asking for advice on how to handle the "attack"...

... that it would make no sense for them to ban me.

The fact that they did proves that what's in the email they sent you isn't true.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Okay, I'm putting this back up here, because I noticed they did allow me the option of "modifying" the hub. So I tacked on a disclaimer, per the advice of the one and only Stevennix, and here it is again. Let's get the getaway car ready in case the Po-lice show up!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Just checked my email. Asked to unpublish this hub, also. Ah, me! Goodbye....


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

I'm sorry, Greg. I haven't been near the forums, myself, so I missed the fuss, fun, whatever...I really meant this all in good fun, and I think you and BL did, too. It's the essence of a satirist to take a poke at things, sometimes the rougher the funnier, in a way...I never minded anything you, BL or Mark Ewbie have said. I know you were joking.

I'm gonna have to see if I can find the thread that got you banned. Just curious.


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Well, BL, it's nice to know I can always get anything of yours unpublished by just starting a thread about it.

:)

Funny thing is, thread was pointed toward THIS one, but mentioned yours. The mushroom cloud might have been the little push over the edge... slightly more confrontational than a fluffy stuffed giraffe.


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Well, HP is rapidly becoming a complete waste. Go figure. I've barely even been on the forum since Friday afternoon, have done zero promoting over the weekend, and haven't had anything negative to say to anyone... and I just went to respond to something to find a message saying I'm banned for 3 days.

Cockroaches strike again. What a life is must be hiding in darkness and filth only surfacing to anonymously flag anyone who's not using HP to write the same "how to buy a ouija board" nonsense.

Once again, zero explanation. What a pantload.

I see an untimely death in Sage's near future.

ahh... I see BL's latest masterpiece unpublished now.

the plot thickens...


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

It's always in the details.. Everytime. I always miss some mundane little detail. Thanks for the help Greg, now we're even.


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Yeah, you gotta take the price tag off if you're gonna say it followed you home.


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

She can't learn to love something that she won't even meet. Real fun killer this one is. If we lived in New York, I could at least hope to find one injured, and bring it home to nurse back to health. But alas, no such luck. Ordering one to be shipped would prove me guilty of "pre-meditated" rebellion.

She would become angry. You don't want to see her angry, trust me.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Oh, sure, BL!!! And, y'know, I have a recording, stashed right next to my whale sounds, of the PLG's purring. They ARE very affectionate--I'm sure your wife will come to love the little guy.


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

Thank you Paradise. May I add you to the list of people who like me? I have space just after my mom and my wife (I think). If I had a PLG, I would never suffer from a lack of affection again. You know, they are VERY affectionate, and I have had a rumor that they almost purr when happy.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

HAHAHAHA!!! BL, just be yourself...that's enough for ANYONE!


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

Oh no.. I don't have to do anything sleazy do I? I've heard about these "soap" opera thingys.. Anything but that, it's bad enough I get made fun of, but what if people start crossing the street when they see me coming? AND make fun of me..

It doesn't matter, when my wife finally let's me get a PLG, EVERYONE will take me seriously! Muahhahaha!!!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Thank you, BL and BS, oops, I mean Greg, also Michael for your wonderful comments!! I can picture BL in sequins, with one of those Elvis super-belts which throw sparkles into the spotlights, around his waist, crooning "You aint nothin' but a hound dog..." while staring pointedly at Greg, meanwhile, back at the camp, Mark E is pounding out yet another version of Shakespeare, without, he claims, the assistance of 10,000 monkeys for 10,000 years! All this excitement on HubPages, stay tuned for the next installment of...As the World Turns Around BL, Mark, Greg and...

THE PLG'S!


Michael Eboh 5 years ago

Wonderful share. Kudos!


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Ewbie?

That worthless punk. What is he, like 6 years old?

I understand why people keep confusing us. I personally don't see it, but everyone keeps telling me we look alike.

It's got to stop, though. People keep PM'ing me for advice on soap.

As for BL's claims of the "Midas Touch"... Funny, but woohoo was in top slots for a week and a half straight UNTIL BL's first slanderous piece. It has slipped now and needs to be reboosted.

I can only assume this is because some confused souls bought into his slanderous claims. After all, if readers can't look to me for rock-solid practical career advice, then what's the point?


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

Thank you, Thank you very much. (Very poor Elvis impersonation.. No, I'm not wearing sequins.)


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Biblical, Mark is a humourist on much the same lines as Greg Sage...he's very funny, he and Greg are the two funniest people on HubPages, except for yourself, of course!


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

What is.. Mark Ewbie? This bears some investigation, we cannot allow an imposter into the mix!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

biblicalliving, thanks for the comment...so long as no one confuses us with Mark Ewbie, I think we'll be okay in the long run!


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

Paradise, Horatio from Central Park.. Nice touch. By the way, you need to brace yourself.. Your getting ready to hit the big time. I'm commenting on your hub. That's the "secret" ingredient to Mr. Sage's success. His writing career didn't completely spin out of control until he received attention from me.

Unfortunately one man's fortune is another man's misery. Since having been refuting Mr. Sage's false claims, and adamantly reporting on the destruction that he has caused, my writing career has tanked. Although I receive plenty of traffic, and have hordes of young groupies hanging around (my wife doesn't approve by the way), I have lost much of the respect of the community. This is what you have to look forward to. Stop now before its too late!!! Mr. Sage isn't worth your future, and don't think that it won't happen to you. If it happened to me, it can happen to ANYONE.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Gotcha, Greg, I must admit, Ivanka is TERRIFIC!!!


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Commercials for what? (Thrill me, chill me, make me laugh with the answer!)


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

The real rags to riches story is Jerry's cousin Ivanka. She thinks she is a big movie star and never calls Jerry since she started doing commercials.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

At last, someone caught the reference! (Or maybe a whole bunch of people did and didn't think it was funny! Rags-to-riches, y'know. Can't beat it. Wish real LIFE was like that.)


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Jerry is quite real.

It is Horatio Alger that is a myth:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horatio_Alger_myth


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Thank you, thank you, Chat. I'll kiss your foot if you want me to, because you actually ENJOY my sense of humour!!! God love ya, I like giraffes, too, that's why I'm sticking up for Horatio, re-named Jerry.


Chatkath profile image

Chatkath 5 years ago from California

How refreshing this is, a bit of humor. Such an essential survival skill that we forget about using it sometimes - I always did like giraffes....


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

AW, how sweet!! Those who spoon through the wall in the basement together, stay together!


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Jerry has been spooning with Eduardo for quite some time now, actually.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

HAHAHAHA!!! Both Greg and Mega!!! You guys rock 'n roll!!! Greg, hon, WHICH long-necked friend were you PETTING, if Jerry was busy helping Eduardo out with that spoon thingy???? My priest would say, "Bless you, my son, it's time you were married, if we can find someone crazy enough..."

Mega, LOL!!! Love ya, m'dear, for gracing me with your ineffable presence.


mega1 profile image

mega1 5 years ago

haha - your humor is definitely alive and well. I wonder where it will all lead to next? I mean, will there ever be petite lap gorillas? Or am I just dreaming? as for Greg's personal hygiene, well, best say no more about it - poor fella, I heard his lap giraffe resisted house training, so poor Greg never knows when he's gonna get another load of cr*p! (neither do we, it seems)


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

What, are you referring to me "sitting on my gold couch in my mom's basement petting my diminutive long-necked friend?"


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Hey Greg, you deigned to visit??!!! You aren't too busy...well, we REALLY SHOULDN'T SAY, now should we? (Indugling in those vaguely repellent personal habits can make you go blind, you know!! My priest told me that.)


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

OH, Sure, Julip. You're too cool for me lately, but you'll respond to this blatant attack?

Seriously, are the mods asleep at the wheel? How much persecution can one man endure?

Jeanie! You too? Eduardo's fine. Ever since I got him his new "backpack" to carry his Kool-Aid, he's been much mellower.

He did nearly flood my mom's basement when he hit a water main while digging through the wall with a spoon, but...

Wait a minute, let's not get sidetracked. What exactly do you mean about Greg's "vaguely repellent personal habits?"


Julip Manor profile image

Julip Manor 5 years ago from Kingwood, Texas

Not true.....go in and put the link to Woo Hoo....also put a comment on his first Woo Hoo with the link.....it will get hits. Thanks


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

Thanks, Julip, for the comment. It's my very first stab at humour here on HubPages, and I have the feeling it's a bit of a flop! (I knew I couldn't write humour to save my soul. I thought it was funny--apparently very few other people do!)


Julip Manor profile image

Julip Manor 5 years ago from Kingwood, Texas

Ha! I loved this article. It's about time someone has enough nerve to confront unhealthy relationships.....you rock


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York Author

I know...Jeannie, that poor monkey must have blistahs on his fingahs...

So far, I've been lucky with my helper-ferret. He LOVES typing, it's just spelling and punctuation that give him fits.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

I am not so concerned about the petite lap giraffe. My main concern is that poor monkey that must type all Greg's hubs! I hope someone thinks to rescue him soon!

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