Happy Town ep 2: You're So Vain

Bring It Down A Few Notches!

The problem with Happy Town is that there are too many characters and way too many subplots.  Is the main focus supposed to be the Magic Man, the murder, or The Sheriff’s obsession with Chloe?  It’s hard to believe they’re linked since the Magic Man doesn’t murder so it’s ridiculous to assume he hammered Jerry the Perv’s head; Chloe didn’t show up until after the first death, and she had <supposedly> never heard of the Magic Man.  The writers spread everything too thin, and it’s hard to take a genuine interest in any one plot line or any of the characters.  However, it still makes for a good drinking game, so I haven’t given up on it yet (in spite of it being cancelled, there are 5 episodes to air this summer!).     

There’s A New Sheriff In Town

The Sheriff survived chopping off his own hand, which led to two things:  more senseless babble about wicked people with black blood, and gratuitous shots of the severed appendage (and his wedding ring slid off again).  How many more episodes can this man ramble on before someone puts a spike through his head?  I’d be on board for that; at least it’d change things up a bit. 

Back at the boarding house, Henley/Chloe’s attempt to break into the upstairs room was foiled by a silly lock.  This led to a “suspenseful” scene where Chloe stole Dot’s key, ran to the shed, made a copy (like some kind of Wal-Mart employee), and darted back into the house.  Right as Chloe was on the verge of getting caught, the dashing Merritt ran interference and forced Dot into a foxtrot.  Seriously.  Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

In a great waste of talent, Steven Weber’s character, John Haplin, only surfaced as his mother’s bitchboy to deliver her messages.   This time his purpose was to summon Tommy to her for a little one-on-one.  When we’re finally introduced face-to-face to Mrs. Haplin, she’s not threatening or even old and creepy.  What is Johnny boy scared of?  Throw mama from the train, already!  Anyway, despite Tommy’s protests, Mrs. Haplin appointed him as The Sheriff’s replacement while he’s on coo-coo bird leave.  The bizarre part of the conversation was when Mrs. H threatened Tommy by reminding him who pays for the “apricots in his daughter’s lunch pail.”  Little Emma must really be into apricots or else Tommy could just buy apples, they’re cheaper.

Upon hearing the news that Tommy would be taking over his father’s job, the Angry Detective got angrier.  I’d like to see him punch something.  Maybe he’s the Magic Man and was perpetrating the crimes in order to get promoted every few years.  That would make Merritt a MacGuffin, and me an interested viewer.

Tommy gave an acceptance speech in front of the town, in which he referenced Jaws--but not in a good way.  The Angry Detective made fun of him by comparing Tommy to Daffy Duck in a nonsensical joke that I didn’t get.  “Lucky for him, it’s a one-horse town” isn’t nearly as powerful as “Yo’ Mama.”

Meanwhile, Georgia—wasn’t she a brunette in the pilot?—has become overwhelmed by the guilt of hearing ol’ Jerry meet his untimely demise.  She went to visit The Sheriff in the hospital and ran into another potential Magic Man who claimed he was just there for the tapioca.  What a bulletproof excuse for being creepy.  As Georgia stood by The Sheriff’s bedside later, she started hearing him talk to her without moving his lips.  Next thing ya know, she’s running through the halls on an all-out acid trip.  Luckily, Tapioca Lover was right there to trap her in an elevator while singing “You’re so Vain,” as all date-rapists are wont to do.  Georgia woke up in the Stivilleto’s dirty living room, as they discussed lyrics of the Carly Simon classic.  Baby Boy Stivilleto arrived in time to offer Georgia some tapioca.  Perhaps this was an ode to the pie obsession in Twin Peaks?  Otherwise, this is complete nonsense.  Side note, Andrew AKA Romeo saw Georgia’s bruise on her face and threatened to kill her meth-head old man.  Please, oh please, let that lead to someone’s head in a blender!

If you were playing the drinking game, the scene where Tommy talks to the Sheriff in the hospital was amazing.  Between “Pop” and “Chloe” it’s like 8 sips.  Otherwise, it was merely more senseless babble.  To spice things up, Tommy confronted the Stivilletos about drugging Georgia, and got into a ninja fight with all of them.  Root Beer stood by and watched without helping.  Can’t freaking trust Root Beer to do anything, can ya?

BFFs Big Dave & Tommy

In case you were wondering why Big Dave’s pizza was so delicious and in high-demand, a random Stivilleto Brother revealed that the secret ingredient is New York City tap water.  Just another “normal” Happy Town conversation that was essential to the second half of the episode.

Back in the day, Tommy gave a speech in front of his entire high school.  When he froze mid-speech, Big Dave jumped up and recited a spontaneous poem (which they really should have included in the episode).  This backstory came just in time for Tommy’s loyalty to Big Dave to come into play.

Sadly, it was revealed that the baking powder on Jerry was not the same from the Angry Detective’s balls.  It contained fluoride that is only found in water from New York City (Mafia Juice, as I like to call it).  Lucky for us, we knew the secret ingredient in Big Dave’s pizza!  Guess those Stivilletos are good for something.

Another spectacular revelation was that Big Dave lives with his mother (Where’s the meatloaf, ma!).   Tommy was caught going through Big Dave’s secret stash of articles about the Magic Man abductions (a la Harper’s Island).  Didn’t take long for Big Dave to take responsibility for killing Pervy Jerry because he thought he was the Magic Man.  What a good Samaritan. I think the actor who plays Tommy (ya know, the dude from 7th Heaven) should get an Emmy for delivering the line, “You just killed an innocent man based on half-baked conclusions after doing some junior varsity detective work?” with a straight face.  Hilarious.  Supposedly Jerry told Dave where the bodies of the missing people are, to which Tommy punched Dave in the nose.  The man loves a good fight.  Lucky for Dave, he saved Tommy’s butt back in high school and so he covered for him.  Not to be rude, but I hope that means Big Dave is gonna die.

Chloe Meets The Birds

Henley/Chloe finally used her homemade key to enter the Forbidden Room, only to discover it’s some sort of aviary.  More importantly, she found what she has been looking for her entire life, a Pig-Headed hammer.  What a dream gift!

To celebrate her discovery, she went to a neighboring town to purchase a car.  She’ll need it to make a quick escape after she reveals herself as Chloe and Tommy tries to chop off her hand (his temper is a little out of control these days, so anything is possible). 

As she was driving her brand-new automobile—with Pig-Headed hammer in the passenger seat--back to Happy Town, “You’re so Vain” played in the background, which is a bad omen apparently.  As she was bee-boppin’ along, an insanely large vulture flew through her windshield (leaving only a perfectly circular hole), which made her crash into a tree.  Luckily for PETA, the bird flew away with no injuries.

At the end of the episode, Mystery Tapioca man came to the Sherriff’s station and introduced himself as a state policeman.  If that’s true, they’ve got some shady police tactics in Minnesota!

Quotes of the Week

“Probably because he ran out of things to clap for”—Stivilleto Brother answering why The Sheriff chopped his own hand off

“All of society’s ills could be quelled if everybody just had a little bit of pudding.”-Tapioca Man

Victim

“Jerry” --Pick & Hammer

MORE PEOPLE NEED TO KICK IT!

The Game

Happy Town:  The Drinking Game (Only play if you’re over 21!)

When any of these things occur drink the corresponding number of sips:

“Happy Town”: 1

The question mark with the halo: 1

Someone says “Chloe”: 1

Any reference to “Magic Man”: 1

TC calls the Sheriff “Pop”:  1

Scream:  1

Weapon:  1

Drinking:  1

Cheap Scare: 1

Horror movie cliché:  2

Sex:  3

Someone dies:  5

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