Holy Crap My Blog Stinks

Note to the reader: it helps if you yell the words while reading this - trust me.

Wait; can I say CRAP on Hub Pages? Hold on, let me check . . .


-PAUSE FOR AFFECT- (don't read this, do it)



Did you pause? if not, go back and do it again . . . Yes, as it turns out, I can. I put crap (the word not the stuff) in the search box and tons of hits came up. Whew! that was a close-one; don’t want to get kicked out on my first post. So, my bog stinks, there, I have admitted it to the world. Please, someone help me. I want to make lots of money blogging. To be a “SIX FIGURE” Internet mogul, reveal the secrets to me, I want to act now, there are only a few positions left, make me new and improved!

Must Have Read My Blog
Must Have Read My Blog

I have a dream but my blog stinks. WHAT IS MY DREAM: to sit around all day in my underwear watching the cash roll-in.

SIDE BAR: look at the title of this article and just pretend, for a moment, that it is that last page of Mad Magazine. Now, carefully, fold the pages at the arrows and you get “Crap Stinks!” Now, you gotta admit that’s funny. But I digress . . .

What is wrong with my blog? – help me please! I have no focus. I write about a lot of things, but it’s all boring. I need a message – the next message – the message folks what to hear (did I say folks? Who am I George W?). I also need lots of bells and whistles (that’s a figure of speech people). I need to “optimize” I need SEO . . . I don’t know what SEO is; how do I get some of this SEO. Do you know how many people want to tell me about SEO? Wait, I will check.


-HOLD ON, BE RIGHT BACK- (are you reading this? nuts!)

I’m back! Isn't it cool to be reading a live blog . . . I mean, it’s live!

Alright, I Googled SEO and got one billion, six hundred and thirty million results!! Let me repeat (now in a quiet voice: which serves two purposes – [1] it emphasizes a point and [2] it makes my article longer - ok now loud again) . . . ONE BILLION SIX HUNDRED AND THIRTY MILLION!!!! Which one do I choose? Who do I trust? Maybe number 239,407 or 789,451 or who knows?

SIDE BAR: did you know that SEO also stands for South East Ohio, Synthetic Engine Oil, Special Exemption Order (but only in the UK) and a couple of dozen other things. Wait, what was I talking about?

I don’t know if I would use that synthetic engine oil or not – heard it works pretty well, but I am undecided. What if I became an expert in SEO – Synthetic Engine Oil? I could write about it on my blog and people would come from far and wide to learn about Synthetic Engine Oil. I might get lots of guys looking for the blogging SEO – you know that optimizing thing and then they would realize my blog was about Synthetic Engine Oil – that would be funny. This could be it . . . Yes, Yes . . . No, I don’t think it will help my blog at all. I’d only get a few petro-chemical engineers and other nerdy types.

SEO - Synthetic Motor Oil - I Could be an Expert!
SEO - Synthetic Motor Oil - I Could be an Expert!

Do you see my problem? I got a lot of problems. If I could make a lot of money, I just know all my problems would melt away. I need help! This blogging is complicated. Not the writing part, that’s easy . . . unless you don’t know how to write or can’t type or have bad spelling or bad grammar, you know, or bombed your high school writing class. “When I think back at all the crap I leaned in High School.” Hey there’s that “crap” word again – great, now I’m going to have that song floating around in my head for a few days. Maybe the writing is hard? OK, I have some of those issues but I write anyway . . . it’s a free country, sort of. It’s the other stuff that’s really hard, like . . .

I need a mailing list and then if I have one, I need to send everyone a newsletter every once and a while – yikes. Then I need to write an E-BOOK! H- E- double hockey sticks (I don’t know if I can say that word?), I am already writing a blog, now I got a write newsletters and an e-book. Then I will need a launch page. What the heck is that? I got your launch page right here – if you know what I mean. I need to connect to Twitter (a place for Twits) and Face Book (a place for teenagers and, I guess, now, corporate America) and don't get me started on U-Tube . . . boil me in oil and get it over with already. Oh, yeah, I also need an RSS Feed.

My Mailing List - In Progress
My Mailing List - In Progress

SIDE BAR: did you know that RSS stands for over 250 things? Including: Root Sum Square, Reactor Safety Study (eeks) and Regional Spatial Strategy (but only in the UK) just to mention a few. How do I get this RSS feed? Sounds like something you give to the cows?

SIDE BAR: Wait, can I have two side bars in row – could be a major faux pas – that’s French you know – I’m not eating any freedom fries, I just want French fries, thank you very much. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah; according to the Urban Dictionary the work “eeks” is “often used by girls when surprised. Great! Now I’m girly (I don’t even know if that’s a word?).

I could go on all day about my plight but there is no time and I’m really sick of writing this – I bet you’re sick of reading it too – if you even made it this far. I need to start making money so I have time to sit back and take it easy, maybe contemplate life, my girliness, and other things. Can anyone out there help me? . . . please . . . as you can see, my blog, it's crap.


More by this Author


Comments 10 comments

Phillbert profile image

Phillbert 5 years ago from The Ozarks

Hilarious! A great read!


brblog profile image

brblog 5 years ago from Chicago, Illinois Author

Hey Phillbert, thanks; it was brave of you to comment on my crap. Your reward, I will follow you - but not over cliff.


ecomama profile image

ecomama 5 years ago from NC

Seriously your blog says it all!


brblog profile image

brblog 5 years ago from Chicago, Illinois Author

Thank you ecomama - I glad you’re being serious because my blog is very serious ... also, I like your "green" attitude!


Bob 5 years ago

Get Help!


brblog profile image

brblog 5 years ago from Chicago, Illinois Author

Bob,

I may be beyond help!!


D.Juris Stetser profile image

D.Juris Stetser 3 years ago from South Dakota

Enjoyed this! I have a writing blog, and a romance/poetry, and girly stuff blog...so Yes, you nailed it...my own blogs need focus, I have much to learn yet, and I am so far from a geek or techie I have a lot of guts even trying to blog! lol I look forward to reading more of your work have a super day and thanks for visiting my page too!


brblog profile image

brblog 3 years ago from Chicago, Illinois Author

D. Juris,

Thanks for reading, this is one of my old one's but also, I think one of my best . . . probably speaks for most of us since only a few blogs actually make it to the big time. Still, we keep on plugging away . . .


D.Juris Stetser profile image

D.Juris Stetser 3 years ago from South Dakota

http://artistrywithwords.wordpress.com/2013/09/26/...

This is one of my friends on Hub pages, and he has a blog that is just plain amazing. I think you'll enjoy and profit from many of his ideas, he is an accomplished writer and great communicator and well worth checking into...Not only for how he runs his blog, but even more so for the great information for writers. hope you like it as much as I do! And yes, you're right on target..we keep plugging away....lol hugs have a super day Dotti


brblog profile image

brblog 3 years ago from Chicago, Illinois Author

Thanks for the link, I will check it out . . .

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working